Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that’s hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Well, is THAT when you swore then?” asks the Mother Superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Ah, so THAT is when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. Because you see, as the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Well that must be when you swore THEN right?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball then fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole!”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”

Silly Joke #2

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
“Twice a day,” the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
“Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no.
“Twice a week?”
“No.”
“Twice a month?”
“No.”
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to “once a year” and continues grinning from ear to ear.
The therapist is angry now that his theory isn’t working, and asks the man, “What are you so happy about then?”
The man answers, “Because tonight’s the night man!”

Silly Joke #3 (Two quick jokes)

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He miserably says to his friend, “I’m a complete walking economy.” His friend replies, “And how’s that?” “Well, it’s like this — my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.”

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there’s his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
The man says, “Absolutely!” And he closes the door.

Bonus Silly Joke (NSFW)

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!” “Heck, that’s nothing” she answered with a sarcastic grin, ripping open her blouse. “Look at these marks he left on my boobs!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Quote #1

“If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account.” (Unknown)

Quote #2

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” (Unknown)

Quote #3

“What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.” (Unknown)

Bonus Quote

“Takers know how to put on a warm friendly exterior to hide their cold and calculated motives. Some even use sweetness and tantrums alternately, whichever works best.” (Vincenzo)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“I’ll Gladly Pay You Tuesday For A Hamburger Today!”

There once was a cartoon character that used to really get under my skin back in the day when I watched the show he was in. His name was Wimpy and he used to be on this cartoon called Popeye. He constantly said this totally annoying phrase that went as follows: “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!”  The worst part about this phrase was that everyone kept falling for it, time and time and time again, even though Wimpy rarely ever paid up! AARGH!

Why does this bother me so much? Because I’ve had far too many friends throughout my life who were just like Wimpy, who’d want something up front and always offer promises to repay the debt at some later date, only to never repay, unless you hounded them repeatedly, and even then, it still wasn’t a guarantee you’d ever see it get repaid.

Throughout my life in recovery from addiction, I’ve come to see this is very much of a regular character defect of those who are either deep in the throngs of some addiction or are sober but haven’t worked their 12 Step recovery programs well enough yet to see they’re still doing it.

Has any of the following “Wimpy-like” statements ever been said to you, where the debt was never repaid?

“If you can give me a ride to my appointment, I’ll give you a few bucks for gas (and/or) take you to lunch.”

“Could you spot me $10 bucks for some food, and I’ll pay you back when I get my next paycheck?” 

“Do you think there’s any way you could buy me a coffee (or my meal) and I’ll get the next one the next time we go out?”

“I really need to get this bill paid, but I don’t have the money to cover it right now. Is there any way you could cover it for me and I’ll pay you back and even give you a little extra in a week or so when I get some more money?

“Is there anyone who can spot me for “this” and I’ll make sure I have the money to pay you back the next time I see you?”

I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve fallen for these types of requests from a number of “Wimpy’s” in the world, where the debt was never repaid, where accountability and integrity were grossly lacking.

Accountability and integrity are big with me today. I set healthy boundaries now because I’ve seen how spiritually toxic it is to support this Wimpy type of behavior, both for the person doing it, and for myself.

This doesn’t mean I don’t help out someone anymore when they ask for something with a promise to repay the debt a little later, because I have. But I approach it far differently now. Sometimes I just give what’s being asked for as a gift when I know the person truly has a serious need and has done everything they can to rectify their situation themselves and are still coming up short. Other times, I give it as a gift simply because I feel my Spirit move me to do so. Occasionally though, I do take someone at their word, and provide what they’re asking for, typically if I don’t know them, just to give them the chance to become a person of accountability and integrity.

These type of qualities are so important to me today. I’ve worked hard in my own life to keep my promises because there was a time when this addict definitely was very much like Wimpy, making many promises for things that I received, never to repay those promises, always hoping they’d forget my debt.

But let me tell you, most people don’t forget. They might tell you they do, but they truly don’t. They simply overlook it for a time, that is until one too many failed promises to “pay on Tuesday for a hamburger today” end up making the person resentful enough to cut the other from their life. Sometimes though, that resentment arises in another way, when you see the person spending money on things for themselves that aren’t necessities while you continue to wait for their debt to be repaid. 

I don’t ever let it get this far anymore. I simply give a person ONE chance to remain accountable and live in integrity with me. If I have to ask repeatedly for their debt to be repaid, I know I can’t trust the person to be accountable and in integrity and I don’t help them out anymore. While this doesn’t mean I don’t remain their friend, I just don’t give them “any more hamburgers”, because in doing so, I’ll only eventually become resentful at their lack of accountability and integrity.

Nevertheless, I’ve done what I can in my own recovering life from addiction to go back and repay all my debts because that indeed is a very important step to a healthy recovery. Thankfully, I don’t see myself as Wimpy anymore and neither do those around me. I’m not a mooch, I’m not a user and I pray I never am again. But, for all those out there who might still be acting like Wimpy, hopefully one day you’ll see the toxicity of this behavior and do everything you can to eradicate it from your life. Because I can promise you that when you do, your friends and loved ones will respect you far more, and you’ll feel far better about yourself as well…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson