Why do people rarely seem to see the good in me around here? This is the main question I continue to wrestle with immensely the more I face the rejection I do here in this region of the world I reside in. And with each passing year, it only seems to grow worse. My only reprieve now are the mini trips I take away from this area where I don’t seem to face this rejection.
I recently faced this rejection with a local fraternity alumni association I’m part of here, where two members of it whom I’ve only spent about 2 hours of time with overall since I first met them made blanket statements about me. Blanket statements that weren’t favorable at all and filled with judgement, enough so that I’ve been told they aren’t sure they want to sit with me again in a meeting.
I have been struggling with this type of harsh response towards me in this area repeatedly. Never did I go through this prior to moving to this part of the country. How many times this continues to happen here where I’m treated unfairly and unlovingly, I’ve honestly lost track. Why people don’t focus on the positive work I am doing, I don’t know? While I do my best to look for the good in everyone, no matter what, as I do believe there is good in everyone, for whatever the reason, far too many here focus on all the negative qualities they perceive in me.
I have worked so hard to erase my selfish past, to be more unconditionally loving, and to give the shirt off my back for people in need. Yet, time and time and time again I have had one person after another here judge me repeatedly, some even viciously directly attacking me, while others talk quite harshly about me behind my back, never once focusing on any of my positive traits, or caring about the heart I have, stomping on it incredibly in the process. Frankly, it feels like I am continuously judged, tried, and executed here by a jury who never has been willing to truly hear my case.
Every, single, day I ask God to guide my life, to be unconditionally loving, and to help me overcome all my pain and health issues and character defects. I field plenty of phone calls for recovery daily doing my best to help whomever is on the other end with love and light. I meet with tons of hurting people all the time just because I want them to know they are loved and cared about. I run meetings with faith hoping it’s helping them somehow and do countless speaking engagements simply trying to pass on my experience, strength, and hope to those in attendance. Yet, I continue to be judged in a negative light regardless. The fact is, most here in this neck of the woods have never seemed to like me from the start. Even my partner’s family has unfairly judged me from the beginning.
Whenever I’ve asked individuals around here why they think this is, I’m told maybe I should try more of “this”, and so I try to do more of “this”, and they continue to not like me. Others say I should try more of “that”, and so I try to do more of “that”, and yet they still don’t like me. It hasn’t mattered whether I try to go up, or down, or left, or right, or jump, or sit still, as no matter what I’ve done to find acceptance here in the Midwest, it just hasn’t happened.
I know I’m a good person. I know I have a good heart. And I know I care about people…A LOT, even when they don’t like me or care about me one bit. Like one of my bordering neighbors, someone I helped restore her front yard over the past six years, never asking for anything in return, who suddenly decided to scream at me at the top of her lungs the other day, for all the neighbors to hear, over an issue that I was fully willing to talk peacefully about. She too has never liked me from the start and always has believed I had some hidden agenda doing all the work I did for free, when I never had any agenda at all other than to add beauty to the world. But even with her yelling at and hating me, I still care about her.
I wasn’t always this type of person though. I used to be such a terrible and selfish person who hated everybody, including myself. 12 Step recovery changed that. And so did my relationship with God. I know my best friend Cedric would support these statements and say how much I’ve become a far more selfless and unconditionally loving individual now. Why people around here never seem to focus on that, I frankly don’t know.
So, if you happen to be someone who is judging me, or labeling me negatively, or purposely avoiding me, or has a less opinion of me, know my heart grieves surrounding this because I try so hard to be a good person on this planet. Why you don’t see that, I don’t know. I still love you unconditionally nonetheless. Why? Because God opened my heart enough to see the good in you, even when you can’t or won’t and may never will see the good in me. And I’m ok with that because God knows I am a good person. I pray one day you’ll see that too…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson