Silly Joke #1
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that’s hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Well, is THAT when you swore then?” asks the Mother Superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Ah, so THAT is when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. Because you see, as the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Well that must be when you swore THEN right?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball then fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole!”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”
Silly Joke #2
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
“Twice a day,” the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
“Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no.
“Twice a week?”
“Twice a month?”
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to “once a year” and continues grinning from ear to ear.
The therapist is angry now that his theory isn’t working, and asks the man, “What are you so happy about then?”
The man answers, “Because tonight’s the night man!”
Silly Joke #3 (Two quick jokes)
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He miserably says to his friend, “I’m a complete walking economy.” His friend replies, “And how’s that?” “Well, it’s like this — my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.”
The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there’s his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
The man says, “Absolutely!” And he closes the door.
Bonus Silly Joke (NSFW)
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!” “Heck, that’s nothing” she answered with a sarcastic grin, ripping open her blouse. “Look at these marks he left on my boobs!!!”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson