Loneliness, Neediness, And High Maintenance, 3 Unwanted Character Flaws That Have Plagued My Entire Life…

You would think that after experiencing a pristine weather day and two wonderful meals I was treated to on my 48th birthday by two wonderful people, that I’d be driving home at the end of it feeling quite happy and joyful, yet I wasn’t. Rather, I was feeling three unwanted character flaws that have plagued my entire life.

What are those three things?

Loneliness, neediness, and high maintenance.

As a kid, I always felt lonely and that I didn’t matter. My needs were often overlooked due to living in an alcoholic home with two mentally and emotionally imbalanced parents. Alcohol and drugs became my only solution to deal with it for my late teenage and early adult years until they got out of control and forced me to stop them both. Once I did, thus began an arduous two and a half decades of constantly feeling a level of loneliness that’s led to so much neediness and high maintenance-based behaviors with anyone who have grown close to me.

After spending my childhood with such loneliness and no real deep connections to speak of, I’d cling to anyone who liked me and became a friend or partner to me, always seeking and wanting signs of love and attention from them, two things I never got much of as a kid. It was almost as if I kept trying to make up for what I didn’t get back then. This persistent seeking of love and attention unfortunately showed up as neediness. And the more I became needy, the more I became high maintenance as well.

Over the past 25 years, I’ve tried to change that by removing these unwanted character flaws through one therapist after another, through diligent work in 12 Step recovery programs, through work in The Mankind Project (MKP), through countless self-help and spiritual empowerment books, through prayer and meditation, through loving myself unconditionally, and well, through a vast number of other things too. Yet, those flaws have remained, except for a few key moments in my life, the biggest being after I spent ten days on a silent retreat. For about six months after that retreat, I felt embraced by something so amazing that those negative traits seemed to have disappeared. Unfortunately, they came back when that feeling of being embraced so deeply, suddenly wore off one day, landing me right back into that perpetual state of loneliness, neediness, and high maintenance.

I tried to do that retreat again almost a year later in the hopes to regain that feeling of being embraced, but wasn’t successful. I tried plenty of other things as well in the years that have passed since then right up to the present, yet have continued to remain unsuccessful. So, at the tail end of my birthday, this is what I was feeling and it was totally brought on by the sadness I felt over a close friend not calling or texting me on my birthday. For as much as that shouldn’t have affected me so greatly, it did.

This has indeed become the most frustrating part of my life. Feeling lonely, needy, and high maintenance all the time hasn’t made for much of a positive space for others to stick around in my life. That’s why I’ve begged God to help me feel more of God’s presence, and have tried more than you could ever imagine or suggest might help to make this happen, even going so far as meditating for hours a day at one point until I passed out from holding my breath too long, which ended only in me bruising my skull!!!

While I’ve had some pretty incredible friendships and relationships in my life who have stuck by my side even with me carrying these unwanted flaws, and while I’ve also seen and done so many amazing things in this world too, none have ever been able to remove my feeling of loneliness and because of it, it’s left me in this constant state of neediness and high maintenance.

For as many paths as I’ve gone down to rectify this, for as hard of work I’ve placed in my life to be free of these defects of character, and for as much money as I’ve spent on each of the ways people have suggested may help, I continue to carry the burden from each of them.

The positive news is that I don’t buy into there being some person, place, or thing in this world anymore that will ever fully be able to take these character flaws away for good. Even the best sex in a new love relationship will only ever temporarily abate it because I’ve experienced even that.

In the end, I believe the only way I’ll ever become free from loneliness, neediness, and high maintenance, is to feel the true unconditional love of God within me, which for the life of me, I continue to pray for every, single, day…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

What If COVID-19 Was Caused By Our Own Utter Disregard For The Earth?

For as much as COVID-19 has caused so many negative issues to occur on the health front, the financial front, and even the domestic front in our very homes, there has been a noticeable blessing around the world that’s come from it as well. Our air has become cleaner and clearer and so has our bodies of water too, which are two things we absolutely need for survival in this world, and two things that up until this pandemic, have worsened year to year because of our utter disregard and neglect for the Earth.

I personally witnessed this COVID blessing recently with something I never thought I would at the Marblehead Lighthouse on Memorial Day in Marblehead, Ohio, when I walked over to the water and saw how blue it actually was, given every other time I’ve been there or at any other part of the Lake Erie Shores where it’s always been cloudy, murky, and generally dirty in appearance.

All around the world there have been plenty of reports of things just like this with cities that normally are filled with pollution having much fresher air. Views of mountains off in the distance that haven’t been visible for decades now in crystal clear view. Smog disappearing from cities that normally are quite clogged with it. And water qualities becoming translucent in places it never was or hasn’t been in a very long time.

You would think experiencing this would be a strong wake-up call for all of us to see how easily it could be for our planet to have better air and water quality in our lives. But I was grossly reminded of the ignorance of the human population in general when it comes to protecting nature with the amount of people I’ve seen during this pandemic throwing trash out their car doors and windows, including far too many of those protective masks people have been asked to wear when out in public. It’s sad to say, but watching people just throw their trash upon our Earth with no respect for it tells me that we haven’t learned our lesson yet. A lesson that has led me to believe that COVID-19 didn’t come from some lab, or some bat soup, or from 5G towers, or anything of the sort. Rather, I’ve often pondered whether it actually came from the Earth itself. Some may think I’m crazy for even suggesting that, but I have truly wondered if the Earth was trying to get our attention.

If it was, it feels like we still aren’t listening as a whole, because beyond the constant littering I keep seeing, people seem to be more worried about life resuming back to the normal we had, then thinking about these two key elements we need for survival, that being air and water, and how much better both have been in the past bunch of months all around the world. The fact is, why aren’t more of us focused on protecting these critical life staples instead of being mostly focused on our economy and money getting restored?

I mean seriously, purely hypothetically speaking because of course I have no proof, but what if all this pollution we put into our air and water over the years is precisely what did cause COVID-19 to occur? And what if COVID-19 could be just the beginning of the Earth getting our attention? Even worse, what if there was a COVID-20, or 21, or some another pandemic to follow only because we aren’t getting the message? The message that what’s most important in the world is the very nature we live off of, not the money that goes in our pockets or the things we purchase with it.

Here’s the simple reality of my argument here that so many of us seem to be forgetting. The more unclean our air gets and the dirtier our water becomes, the unhealthier our animals, plants, and vegetables get that require both for survival, and the unhealthier we get as a result as well, since each are the food we need for survival.

So, in light of that, maybe our focus shouldn’t be on life getting back to the “normal” we had before COVID-19. Maybe our focus needs to be more on what we are going to do to keep this beautifully cleaner air and water around for longer than just a stay-at-home life that brought it about. Because there might come a day where our air and waters are so polluted that there will be far worse pandemics than COVID-19 to ravage our planet as a result…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Dear Diary???

Every now and then I feel really compelled to write an entry that explains my blog and the writings I do for it because quite often people seem to question me surrounding it.

There’s a simple answer what this blog is at its very core.

It’s an online “Dear Diary” of sorts and nothing more.

Look, I don’t have that many creative talents, but if there is one thing I do feel I’m good at, it’s composing my thoughts in a clear manner on paper, or as in this case with my blog, digitally.

When my spiritual teacher suggested back in 2012 that I should start writing all the things I’ve gone through in life and continue to go through, by way of a diary or journal, I balked. I’ve never been the “Dear Diary” type. Although I was a small-town columnist in prior years for a few local newspapers writing inspirational stories for readers to digest, the idea of writing for myself about my life experiences in a diary and being told it could actually help heal myself, seemed a little absurd. It just didn’t quite make sense how this could do anything good for me, especially in some type of notebook with my handwriting always being so atrocious. So, when my spiritual teacher recommended that I start an online blog instead, which I learned was basically an online version of a “Dear Diary”, I decided the only thing I could do was at least try it out.

I officially wrote my first post for this blog on January 14th, 2013. It was nothing more than me stating an intention for myself to begin something new in my life. After that, I made a commitment to keep posting something every single day from then on out, in the hopes that it may indeed help myself spiritually heal and grow. I never thought that anything I wrote though would ultimately connect much with anyone else, that was until I began seeing people discover my blog on the Internet, and even sign up for the free subscription to it. As time moved forward, some suggested I repost the links to my articles on social media. I was a little hesitant at first, but eventually I did and soon found more were finding connection to my spiritual journey and musings via my blog’s words. But more importantly was that it did seem to be helping me somehow with my healing, as there were days I felt far better on the mental, emotional, and spiritual levels after composing my thoughts in an article. Unfortunately, along with all these benefits this online “Dear Diary” was bringing me, came some negative energy as well, or should I say a peanut gallery of people who felt the need to tear down and question my writing, rather than uplift and appreciate it. Dealing with that has probably been the only hard part of maintaining this online diary.

Nevertheless, this blog is still mainly for me and my healing. It began that way and will continue to remain that way. It’s a tool I use to express my truths in a way I understand. While they may not be anyone else’s truths and while others may not understand at times what I write either, I’ve begun to accept that’s ok because a blog in of itself is simply one person’s opinions and viewpoints in life, which in my case is a diary of my life, of all my ups and downs, my storms and sufferings, my triumphs and failures, and everything in between. The fact is, I write for me and only me, to help me go within, and to communicate to my inner self. While my words at times may indeed come off as preposterous to others, I accept that, because this is my “Dear Diary”, and is something meant to help me. If it helps others, I’m thankful to God for that, but ultimately, it’s still at its very core for me and my spiritual journey in life. While some may not like what I write and judge my content, I’m thankful I keep beating to my own drum by maintaining this because it’s been helping me heal and spiritually grow. And, if in the process, it helps any of you as well on your own spiritual journeys, I’m blessed to know that too.

So, “Dear Diary”, as I complete one more entry in you for one more day of my life, I credit the Spirit within me and the God of my understanding, for giving me such a strong drive to keep on doing something that has truly helped me on my spiritual journey, even when others may harshly judge me and my words from time to time.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson