The In-Between Place. I know today’s title sounds a lot like it’s taken straight from the pages of Netflix’s Stranger Things, except in that show it’s actually called The Upside-Down place, but I digress from what today’s article is ultimately about.
Here’s a question for all of you to kick the real purpose of today’s article off. Have you ever felt like you were stuck in some in-between place in life, where your past self no longer works, but your future self is one that’s still being written and extremely unclear? That’s what this In-Between Place feels like to me and precisely where I find myself living in presently. It’s like living in limbo, one that no matter what I’ve tried to do, I can’t seem to make it change.
I often compare this in-between place, this limbo, to that of being on a plane on a runway, waiting to take off. But for some reason, the plane just sits there for minutes that eventually turns into hours, where you can’t do anything but remain in your seat? I actually had this happen to me once, where I remained on a plane on a runway for 3 hours and couldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom! Thankfully, FAA laws have changed to prevent this from happening anymore, but once again I digress.
Ok, so here’s the thing. This plane I’m on can’t return to its gate because the person I was before I boarded it was one that relied upon countless lower vibrational patterns to exist, none of which work for me anymore. I see that so clearly now with the countless individuals I had been surrounding myself with, all who I relied upon to feel better and ended up becoming overly needy and dependent upon somewhere along the way. With each of them, the very thing I sought from them was never fulfilled, that being a desire to build a connection of the heart, where instead sexual innuendos and banter became my everyday language with them instead. I don’t want connections like this anymore. But, at the same time, now that my 10-year relationship is in shambles and nothing to keep me in this city I moved to solely for him, my plane feels like it’s readying for takeoff, but to where, I don’t know. What that translates to is a feeling like I’m on that plane, sitting on some random runaway, waiting.
I believe waiting is one of the most difficult places an individual will ever experience on a spiritual journey to find themselves. I now find myself in that very place, waiting on God for answers as to where this plane is heading next and it’s something that is requiring me to bear a lot of uncertainty and do a lot of prayer. My heart seems to ache all the time now bearing the brunt of this waiting, where loneliness feels like my constant companion. But I’m going through it this time with something different as compared to the last time I faced it, and that’s in how I’m handling it. Because what I’m doing now is that I’m not trying to numb myself from feeling any of it. I’m choosing to sit in all this emptiness instead of filling it with yet another aimless addiction. I’m simply allowing myself to feel it in all its entirety, which often feels so very painful and one I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
I don’t think there’s a single day over the past six weeks where I haven’t sobbed incredibly in whatever seat I’ve been sitting on in this plane. But, the fact remains, I’m allowing myself to remain on it, to wherever it’s heading, rather than trying to force it to head back to its former gate or busting through the pilot’s door to make it takeoff immediately to where I want. Instead, I’m fully trusting in God now, that my plane is headed to somewhere pretty amazing. I only have to wait a little longer.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson