Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger or what?” Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far, I’ve made $20!”

Silly Joke #2

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny voice say: “Nice tie.” He looks around but sees no one. He takes another sip of his beer and hears the same tiny voice: “A nice shirt, too.” Again, he looks around and sees no one. He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he’s hearing voices talking to him… “Of course,” smiles the bartender. “It’s the peanuts — they’re complimentary.”

Silly Joke #3

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who had been far exceeding the speed limit. “But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain!” “Be quiet!” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, sir, I just wanted to say—” “I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail! “A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.” “I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. ‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks. ‘135,’ I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 feet 4 inches,’ I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5 feet 2 inches. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. ‘Of course, it’s high!’ I scream, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’ She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. ‘I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,’ he told the audience. ‘She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.’ At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up, looking a little embarrassed, and said, ‘Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.’

Silly Joke #2

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

Silly Joke #3

Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. “My dog ate it,” was his solemn response. “Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?” “It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it!

Bonus Silly Joke

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.” The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!” The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband’s examination, the doctor then said to him, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?””In fact, I do,” said the man. “After I have relations with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have relations with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting,” replied the doctor. “Let me do my examination with your wife and see if I can get to the root of this.” After examining the elderly wife next, the doctor said to her, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern for me today. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having relations the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh, that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Silly Joke #2

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Silly Joke #3

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da..aaad”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
five minutes later: “Daa….aaad…”
“WHAT!?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later..”Daaaa….aaaad! When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?”

Bonus Silly Joke

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” “No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson