Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: “Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim.” The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave.”

Silly Joke #2

A couple return from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. “Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.” “Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend, “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!” The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change.”

Silly Joke #3

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . ”

Bonus Silly Joke

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.” The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?” The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.” Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California in 1999. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,”replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a brand new Cadillac DeVille.” “What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant. “Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.” “Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!” “How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver. “That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. “What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant. “That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver. “Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people have thought of everything!”

Silly joke #2

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Silly Joke #3

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.

Bonus Silly Jokes

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Here’s what the latest stock market report says, Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…

Silly Joke #2

During work Mike and John are chatting…
Mike: “I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.”
John: “Oh!”
Mike: “For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.”
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He is the author of “The 3 Musketeers”. If you took night courses you would know this.”
The next day, once again:
Mike: “And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He’s the author of “Confessions”, if you took night courses you would know this.”
Now this time John got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steven Turner is?”
Mike: “No.”
John: “He’s the guy sleeping with your wife! If you’d stop taking night classes you would know this!”

Silly Joke #3

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is way too dry and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he’s gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!” The Monkey looks down and says, “whoaaaaaaa dude!!!!…………How much water did you drink?!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. “I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” “I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The @$$hole is usually in charge.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson