Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?” The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Bud. Wherever I go, Bud goes.” “I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken. “The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Bud could stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge,” whispered Mildred. “What?” said Marge. “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.” “What makes you think so?” asked Marge. “He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred. “Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.” “Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?””Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why’s the groom wearing black?”

Silly Joke #3

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.”Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old! What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.” The priest says, “What do you mean, almost? “The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest says, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, “I saw that, you didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The man replies, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that’s the same as putting it in.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Man: “Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
Priest: “My son, do you mean a choir?”
Man: “Fine Father! Do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Silly Joke #2

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo’s, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Ritz crackers, and a box of Godiva Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Silly Joke #3

A little boy walked up to home plate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand. As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, “I am the best ball player ever!” He swung with all his might, but missed. He did the same thing and missed again. He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said “I am the best ball player in the world!” Then he swung and missed again. “Wow!” he said. “I am the best pitcher ever on the planet!”

Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults Only)

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all? She asks, “What?” “SEX!!!” Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!” “I know,” Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard’s manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?!” Howard smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man came home one day and said to his wife: “Honey, what would you do if I said I’d won the lottery?”She sneered: “I’d take half and then leave you.” “Are you serious?!,” he replied. “Absolutely, in a heartbeat!” “Well I just hit 3 numbers and won $10. Here’s $5, pack your bags and get out!”

Silly Joke #2

Boss to the potential new employee: “We here are very keen on cleanliness! Did you happen to wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?”
Interviewee: “Yes, sir!”
Boss: “We here are also keen on truthfulness! There is no mat. I think we’re done here, thanks for coming.”

Silly Joke #3

Aaron: “My neighbor had the nerve to ring my doorbell at 3 am…3 AM! Can you believe it!?”
John: “Really, that’s so disrespectful! Did you answer it to figure out what they wanted?”
Aaron: “Heck no! I was in one of my best jam sessions on my drums at the time!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Lee wasn’t the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
“Say Lee, you seen Ben?”
“Ben who?”
“Ben’ down and kiss my a$$!”
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his friend Susie who said, “Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he’s seen Eileen. Rick will ask, ‘Eileen who?’, and you say, ‘I lean over and you kiss MY a$$.'”
Memorizing his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick. As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.
“Hey Rick,” he said, “have you seen Eileen?”
“No,” Rick answered, “she ran off with Ben.”
Lee frowned, “Ben who?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson