Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.In the shop he meets a little old man who insists he is Swiss, yet has a noticeably heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?” Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'” The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

Silly Joke #2

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating sweets. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turns to the third Mom. “Your obsession is with alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother’s face suddenly turns red, but before the psychiatrist gets a chance to address her, she swiftly grabs her son’s hand and heads out the door, whispering to her son as she does, “Come on, Dick, it’s time to go!”

Silly Joke #3

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers,” she said. “That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes.”

A Bonus Silly Joke

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Excuse me, sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I couldn’t help admiring your faith….!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon intimate session with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began to shout out his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he yelled. “An ambulance just drove by.” Then a few moments passed.”Looks like the Andersons have company,” he continued. “Matt’s riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex.” Bill and Marla both gasped at the same time and immediately shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father hollered back. “Because their kid is standing out on the balcony too Dad!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Q: Why did Jeff decide to change his Facebook name to ‘No one’?

A: So, when he saw a stupid post from anyone from then on out, he could always click the like button and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

Silly Joke #3

A driver was racing down the road at a very high rate when suddenly he gets pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman said, “Sir, you were speeding. License and registration please.”
The driver responded, “I’d give my license to you but I don’t have one anymore.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responded, “I lost it because of getting caught four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is stunned. “I see. Well just hand me your vehicle registration then please.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that either.”
The policeman said, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer reacted, “Stole it???”
The man said, “Yes, and I killed the owner too.”
At that, the officer exclaimed in horror. “You did what?!!!”
“He’s in the trunk if you want to see.”
The officer, knowing the situation now required back up, told him to remain seated in his car and slowly backed away to his patrol car to call for it. Within minutes, five other patrol cars showed up and surrounded the car. A senior officer slowly approached the vehicle, clasping his half-drawn gun, and yelled, “Sir, step out of your vehicle now and place your hands on the car!”
The man immediately got out of his vehicle, placed his hands on the car, and said, “Is there a problem officer?”
“One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered its owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer sternly responded, “Yes and I’m going to need you to open the trunk of this car right now!”
The man swiftly walked to the back of the car and opened the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty area.
The officer said, “Is this your car???”
The man responded, “Yes” and after getting permission, reached into his vehicle and quickly handed over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, was quite stunned. “I was also told you don’t have a driving license???”
The man slowly dug into his pocket, pulled his wallet out, and handed it to the senior officer. When the senior officer opened it and examined its contents, he found a valid driver’s license for the man. He became very puzzled by that point. “Thank you, sir, I don’t understand though, as I was informed you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and murdered its owner.”
The man replied, “I have no idea why the officer would say any of that? Honestly, I’m just as shocked as you are right now. He probably told you I was speeding too?! May I please go now?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants! You might have gotten disability, too!’

Silly Joke #2

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to “God”. A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: “Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?” The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300. A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: “Next time, would you please send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200.”

Silly Joke #3

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk. “Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.” The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.”In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is just behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound… But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson