Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he angrily responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!” The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.” Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

Silly Joke #3

A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.” “Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.” “Well, then, we need a urine sample.” “I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.” “All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.” “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m drunk.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap…and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies…”You just happened to catch my eye…”

Silly Joke #2

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’ She said, ‘Sounds like you’re a real cowboy then! Well, I recently realized I’m a lesbian because I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women. After she got up and left, the cowboy remained there sipping his coffee in silence. A little while later, another man sat down next to him and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ Sounding quite concerned, he replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

Silly Joke #3

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.” She asks … “What the heck does that mean?” He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot”. She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?” He said, “I’m Just Kidding”

Bonus Silly Joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, “Well, I guess we answered THAT question!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly! “The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, Dumbo?” “No,” replied the trainee. “It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!” The trainee shouts back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!” “No,” replied the CEO indignantly. “Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Silly Joke #2

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

Silly Joke #3

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.””Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?” “Nope. I shut him up in no time,” said the Navy guy. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight beautiful,’…and he sat up all night watching me!”

BONUS SILLY JOKE

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?” The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, ” I have a better idea, just for tonight, let’s make pretend that we’re married.” The man says happily, “OK!” AWESOME!” The woman says, “GOOD….GET YOUR OWN DARN BLANKET!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson