Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000-milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because … her friend was, well … blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision now and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

Silly Joke #2

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?’ ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.’

Silly Joke #3

A guy is dating three women and can’t decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The one with the biggest boobs.

Bonus Silly Joke

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor…..says. “Doc, I’m having problems hearing!”Doctor says “Lets check this out.” Looks into the man’s ear with his flash light and says, “There’s a foreign object in here.” Takes his tweezers and pulls it out…….Doc says to the old man, “It’s a suppository!!” The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, “Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

WHAT GOES THROUGH A CAT’S MIND DURING THEIR WEEK:

Monday – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

Wednesday – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan……

Friday – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called ‘shampoo.’ What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call ‘beer.’ More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of ‘allergies.’ Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

BONUS SILLY JOKE

Breaking News: A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway…Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!!!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” “Hey Joe, he yells out – I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal out of it,…it’s only an earring.” Says Joe sheepishly. “No really,” probes Morris, “How long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Silly Joke #2

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

Silly Joke #3

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!” Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!” The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.” She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.” The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music. Startled, she look back at the machine and said, “This is incredible! I’ve got to try it again! Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to break wind.” Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. “I’ve never broken wind in public in my whole life!” Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it one more time.” She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson