Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
“What’ll it be?” asks the bartender.
“I’ll have a………………………beer,” the bear says.
“Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know…” says the bear. “Maybe cuz I was born with them!”

Silly Joke #2

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 months to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The doctor suggested that he should get his “house in order”, make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. “What will you do for the last six months?” asked the doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “Honestly, I think I’ll have my wife and I just go and live at her annoying mother’s place!” Surprised by the answer and wanting to know why, the doctor asked, “Of all the people, why in the would you want to live with an annoying mother-in-law for your last six months of life???” “Because it’ll feel like the longest six months of my life Doc!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid $100,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $100,000. The Irish man replied, “It wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this… O o …and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge.  “And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s incredible! How did you manage to do that?!?”, “Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) o O Except, I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your a$$hole before prison and this one (pointing to the big circle) is your a$$hole after prison…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There’s a guy who’s one of those that just doesn’t like wearing a seatbelt when he drives, regardless of the risk. He was driving home from work one day when an officer sitting at a regular spot where people routinely run a stoplight noticed he didn’t have his seatbelt on. The driver was summed to pull over and got a ticket for it. Three days later, the same officer sitting at the same spot saw the same driver in the same car pull up to the light and didn’t have his seatbelt on again. He immediately put his lights on and summoned him to pull over. “So, I guess you didn’t learn anything from the last time I pulled you over?” asked the cop. “Well, actually, now I have sir,” I began. “I realize it’s time to find a new way home from work!”

Silly Joke #2

A big city 35-year-old lawyer decided to go duck hunting in a very rural area far from the city limits. His first shot hit and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the city and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes out here! We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take this old codger. He agreed to abide by the strange local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was now on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh pile of horse poop nearby. The lawyer was so angry now and immediately got to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn!” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. I never wanted the duck in the first place. I just wanted a chance to kick a lawyer’s ass for once after the last one took all my money!”

Silly Joke #3

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time…
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh my, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“Well, he died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck, how did that happen if you mind me asking?”
“Well, he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms…”

Bonus Silly Joke

A blond guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife, which happened to be on the night of his wild and crazy bachelor party, so he says, “I’m so embarrassed right now to ask this, but did you happen to be a stripper at one time and work a bachelor party years ago where celery was used as a flogging tool?” The woman looks noticeably upset now and says sternly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

After writing a math equation on the board, the teacher asked if anyone could solve the problem. Little Johnny walked up to the board, completely erased it and wrote, “Problem Solved!”

Silly Joke #2

Having been married for twenty years and still living in an apartment, a wife often complained about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny and never getting her “dream home”. Trying to placate her, the husband finally found a new home within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. “Dear,” she said, “I don’t like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors next door can see me every time I take a bath.” “Don’t worry.” replied her husband. “If the neighbors do see you, they’ll buy curtains….”

Silly Joke #3

The elderly Dean of an-all women’s university was introducing the new students to the college in the auditorium and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality: “In moments of sexual temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” At the end of the orientation, she asked if there were any questions. One of the freshman girls timidly raised her hand and said: “Could you please tell us ma’am how you make it last one hour?”

Bonus Silly Joke

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.” “Well, please forgive me then,” responded the underclassman. “As I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers in his private room alone with them. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

Silly Joke #2

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discovered that this is the first job you’ve ever had.” “Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you did say you wanted somebody with imagination right?!” 

Silly Joke #3

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about his Mommy’s new baby. “Oh, yes!” the little tyke says. Having overheard some of his parents’ private conversations, he adds, “And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call it Mary, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it Quits!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor on staff took each one into his office separately one day to try and talk them out of it. He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks. She told the doctor that she didn’t care. The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina. “I know!” he said. “I peeked.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Silly Joke #2

The President’s Chief Of Staff suggested the President do some much-needed public relations to boost his ratings. It’s decided to do that at a local nursing home in the Washington D.C. vicinity. The President begins his “tour” down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn’t seem to notice him. Sensing this, the President backtracks to the resident and asks, “Do you know who I am?” The little old man looks up from his walker and says, “No, but if you go to the front desk, they can tell you your name.”

Silly Joke #3

A single blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: “For Men Only”. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” says the bartender. “We only serve men in this place.” “That’s perfect!” says the blonde. “I’ll take one please!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

At my granddaughter’s wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?” I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'” The DJ then looked at my husband and said, “What do you think?” He said, “She’s probably right.”

Silly Joke #2

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium — he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.” “Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?” “No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Silly Joke #3

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore. “The more I get older, the more he doesn’t bother to look at me much anymore!” Mary cries. “I’m so sorry for you. I can’t say the same because the older I get, the more my husband stares at me and says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jane. Mary immediately exclaims, “Well of course! That’s because your husband’s an antique dealer!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Jane and Ted got married at only 18 years old and went on to have 7 children. When Ted died of heart disease, Jane married again, and she and Bob had 6 more children. When Bob died suddenly after being killed in a car accident Jane remarried again and this time had 5 more children. When Jane finally died, after having 18 children, standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked Jane’s best friend, Margaret. “Margaret, do you think he means Jane’s 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?” Margaret said, “Actually, I think he means her legs, Ethel.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Billy Bob and his wife and son from waaaay out in the sticks finally decide go to the “big city” to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin’ care of “the paper work,” Billy Bob and his son walk around the lobby looking at the amazing things there. One thing that catches both of their eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack down the middle. Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button next to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top. They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely beautiful young lady, incredibly dressed, sashays out, walking by the man and his son both of whom’s jaws drop as she passes by. Billy Bob says the man to his son… “Son, go get your mother immediately!”

Silly Joke #2

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.” The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!” The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!” “You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted. Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!” She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?” The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Silly Joke #3

A gorgeous blonde named Sally had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor’s office alone. Her appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive male nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, “Sally, let’s go get a room.” “Honestly, I appreciate the offer,” she said, “but I’ve been waiting so long now, I’d hate to lose my spot!”

Bonus Silly Joke (NSFW: For Adults only)

Three couples go camping and one couple forgot to bring their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other. In the middle of the night while Larry was sound asleep, John whispered, “Bob, look at this bloody erection I’ve got. It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to get my wife and go into the woods.” Bob whispered back, “You want me to come with you?” John whispered somewhat angrily, “Why the hell would I want you to come with me?!” Bob says, “Because that’s my cock your holding.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go ‘I still remember that time when you…'”

Silly Joke #2

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “But, I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are being exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. But, I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Silly Joke #3

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ….. smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”. We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR. My wife gave me another healthy jab and said, “WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ………. You could learn a lot from him”. We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,”That’s once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one”. I looked at her and said sarcastically, “Oh, yeah? Well, why don’t you go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?”

Bonus Silly Joke

Ron, an elderly man had owned a large farm in the country for several years. He had a large pond at the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he excitedly saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. One of the women suddenly noticed he was staring at them from behind a tree and shouted, “You old pervert! We’re not coming out until you leave!” Ron frowned, “I’m not a pervert nor am I here to see a bunch of naked ladies in my pond!” Holding his bucket up, Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.” The next-door neighbor protested, “What?! Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children!” The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

Silly Joke #2

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base in Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what other form of punishment do you have in mind from this hell I’m already living in?!”

Silly Joke #3

One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. “Put this cross in the room where your family argues most,” he advised. “When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching.” When the parishioners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, “I’ll take five.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother. “It’s because he thinks a lot honey…” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness. That was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair then?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke 1

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old nephew Little Johnny was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. “Wow,” the lady said, “I must have worn these when I was 185.” Little Johnny looked totally puzzled and then asked, “Wait, how old are you now then?!”

Silly Joke #2

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was nodding off accidentally, when a frantic little old lady came running towards her, screaming. “Please come to my room quickly,” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!” The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked anyway, you can only see him from the waist up?” “The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “You get a much better view hone you stand on this dresser!”

Silly Joke #3

A husband comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinals are gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Tom did like he always did over the last thirty years of marriage, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. “What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? …… and who are you?” he asked. “This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are now in heaven.” “WHAT!!? I died in my sleep!? I don’t want to die yet!” said Tom. “Please send me back immediately!”  “It’s not that easy”, said St. Peter, “As you can only return as a dog or a hen. Your choice.”  Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog just too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad. “I’ll return as a hen.” Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow …….. then along came the rooster. “Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.” he said. “How does it feel?” “Well, it’s OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.”  “Oh that!” said the rooster. “That’s only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.” Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘Plop’ and an egg was on the ground.  “Wow” Tom said “that felt really good!” So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: “Tom, for Pete’s sake!!! Wake up … you’re crapping all over the bed again!!!” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

On his first day of school, Little Johnny handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read…”The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Silly Joke #2

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins. She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. “Can any of you tell me what it is?” she asked. From the back of the room Little Johnny suddenly shouted, “Tails!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.” Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!” Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?” Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A friend and I were just finished golfing one day when this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us the next time we play. I tell him, “Well, if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o’clock.” He said, “Great! I’ll be here at 8 o’clock, maybe 8:05…” So next day he shows up at 8 o’clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us again. He said, “Great! I’ll be here at 8 o’clock, maybe 8:05…” So the next day he shows up at 8 o’clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I’m a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, “You’re a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?” He said, “Well…when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed.” So out of sheer curiosity I ask, “What if your wife is lying on her back when you wake up?” “Well, that’s when I get here at 8:05…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Four priests board a train for an overnight journey to an annual church council conference. They are all sharing a private room together. Shortly into the trip, one priest says, “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another’s worst sin we struggle with the most. I suggest we do a confession right now.” They look nervously at each other but all nod OK. The first priest says, “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind to get it out of my system.” The other three look at each other nervously as the next priest slowly says, “Well……with me, it’s gambling. Once a year, I take my collar off and remove a considerable amount of money from the collections. I then head to the casino and typically spend it all on the blackjack tables to get it out of my system.” The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says, “This is really difficult, as I think my sin is worse than both of yours. I take off my collar once a year and hire a prostitute. I usually spend all night with her to get it out of my system.” They all look at the fourth priest now who hasn’t gone yet. He doesn’t say anything. The first speaks, “Come now, we’ve all told our worst sin, now it’s your turn.” The fourth priest then looks at the others and starts hesitantly, “Well, once a year, I take off my collar and totally gossip about the juiciest confession I’ve heard and well, honestly, I can’t wait to get off this train!”

Silly Joke #2

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?” “I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.” “Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!” “That’s right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

Silly Joke #3

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three other doctors are there on the scene already!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he eventually finds a house and silently breaks into it, hoping to find money or guns, but only finds a young couple asleep in their bed. He immediately orders the guy out of the bed and ties him up in a chair. He then ties the girl up on the bed, after which he leans in and kisses her on the neck, then quickly gets up, and immediately goes to the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Honey, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. I don’t want him to get angry because he’ll probably kill us both if he does. Be strong, honey. We’ll make it through this! I love you!” The wife then responds, “Dear, he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, We will make it through this! And I love you, too!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny came running out of the bathroom in tears. “What’s the matter?” asked his father. “I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet…” Little Johnny said teary-eyed. “Okay, don’t worry, but we’d better throw it out…” his father responded lovingly. So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush. “Isn’t that my toothbrush?” the father said. “Yes,” said Little Johnny, “I think we’d better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago!”

Silly Joke #2

Two men were down at the pub talking. The first man said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible !” The second man says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!” The “first man then said, “She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?” The second man then smiles and says, “Well, every night I come home after work and sit down at the table where she places a burnt offering before me!”

Silly Joke #3

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Sir, what’s your name?” The enraged student then pulled up his pant legs and said, “Well, why don’t you tell me buddy!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o’clock that night. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he’d been. The man replied, “I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.” The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, “I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (2 quick ones)

A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish. The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium. She replied, ‘I really don’t care what sign it is.’

A husband was angrily throwing darts at his wife’s photo tacked to his dart board in the basement. He hadn’t successfully hit it yet when suddenly his wife called to him downstairs.
Wife:  “Honey, what are you doing down there?”
Husband: “MISSING YOU, DEAR!”

Silly Joke #2

Store Manager: “I saw you arguing with that customer who just left. I told you before that the customer is always right!!! Do you understand me?!”
Salesclerk: “Yes, sir. The customer is always right.”
Store Manager: “That’s better. Now what were you arguing with the customer about?”
Salesclerk: “Well, sir, he said you were an idiot…”

Silly Joke #3

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.” When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question anyway?” The little girl replied, “Well, mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of secs.”

Bonus Silly Joke

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon who had a terrible sense of humor walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, “We don’t know what to do with this baby.” So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “I think we might need to put him in the mental ward.” “Why would ever say such a thing?” asked the head nurse shocked he’d say such a thing. “Well…” replied the chief surgeon, “Take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A young pastor was sitting in his favorite restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed another meal at his favorite place to dine, the beggar tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The beggar replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one!”

Silly Joke #2

A man in his late 30’s rushes into the hotel lobby after exiting the elevator. He had flown in last night for a very important meeting this morning, which he was now running late for. He sprints up to the front desk and hammers on the bell. “Good morning, sir”, says the blonde receptionist who suddenly appeared from the office situated behind the front desk. “I’m in a hurry ma’am, could you check me out, please?” The blonde clerk stares at him, looks him up and down and immediately says, “Not bad, not bad at all!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man at the pond there, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies where his lure wasn’t even fully in the water. “Tch Tch!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is never going to catch anything! I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?” “Fishin’, sir.” “Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?” The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to a bar nearby. He then ordered a large glass of beer. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?” The old fellow took a big gulp from his tasty beer and replied, “You are the sixth today, my friend!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question: “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with a gun, how many would be left ?” “None.”, replied Johnny. “’cause the rest would fly off.” “The correct answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you think.” Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ? “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I’ll guess it’s the one sucking her cone?” “Nope,” said Little Johnny, “It’s the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Today’s batch is dedicated entirely to one mischievous Little Johnny…you’ll see…

Silly Joke #1

A father asked his son Little Johnny if he knew how a person gets saved. “We’ll be saved by going to our church every Sunday,” Little Johnny said without hesitation. His father explained that going to their church each week would not save them. “Well, then, I think we better start looking for another church Dad!!!” replied Little Johnny.

Silly Joke #2

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will finally do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked. Little Johnny replied, “Daddy told Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

Silly Joke #3

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah’s Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. “I’m going to describe something to you. Let’s see if you can guess what it is. First: I’m furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees.” The children looked at her blankly. “I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns.” No response. This wasn’t going well at all the teacher thought. Finally Little Johnny volunteered: “Well, since I’ve been coming here to this church, the answer is always Jesus for everything!!! But it sure sounds like you are talking about a squirrel…”

Bonus Silly Joke

One day a father and his 10-year-old son Little Johnny were on a bus, when Little Johnny noticed a redhead with huge breasts…” Hey Dad,” the son cried, “look at those boobs!” The father, a religious man decided shortly after that day to send his son to an all male military academy for an entire school year in the hope Little Johnny would learn some appropriate manners. When the school year ended and Little Johnny came home, the father decided to take him on another bus ride. When another woman with very large breasts sat across from them, to see if his son had learned any manners while away at the military academy, the father exclaimed, “Look at the boobs on that redhead!” “Forget that Dad!” the boy replied with a smile, “did you see the a** on that blonde bus driver!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. “The best thing for you to do,” the M.D. said, “is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.” “Doc, I don’t deserve the best,” said the patient. “What’s second best?”

Silly Joke #2

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith’s 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with 40. Miss Sandy Smith helped them with four more by giving them some clues. Not impressed at all, Mr. Jones told them that in his day every student knew the names of all 50 states. From the back of the room Little Johnny suddenly yelled, “Yeah, but in those days there were only 13 states!”

Silly Joke #3 (2 short ones)

A husband was speaking to my wife one evening when he said, “You know dear, your underwear fits way too tight and is a little too revealing,” She responded, “Well, maybe you should finally start wearing your own then?!”

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said in frustration, “Why do I always have to pay you to be good? I wish you could just be good for nothing like your dad…”

Bonus Silly Joke

I had barely sat down in an airport stall when I suddenly heard a voice in the next stall over say, ‘Hi, how are you?’ While I’m not the type of guy to ever start a conversation in any men’s restroom, I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, albeit somewhat embarrassed, ‘Doin’ just fine!’ The other guy responded, ‘So, what are you up to?’ What kind of question was that I thought? At that point, I’m thinking this is getting a little weird, so I responded back, ‘Ummm, like you, I’m just traveling.’  I’m now trying to finish my business as fast as I could, when he asked, ‘Hey, would you like some company over there?’ Ok, now I was totally freaked out, so I immediately responded back quite sternly, ‘Look…… buddy, I think you got the wrong idea here.’ Then quite abruptly, he said nervously… ‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s some creepy guy in the stall next to mine who keeps answering all my questions!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Charlie’s wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before!” The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

Silly Joke #2

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started yelling in excitement repeatedly, “Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!!” The passengers are getting disturbed and even the Pilot in the cock-pit hears the commotion. Annoyed by the goings on, the frustrated Pilot comes out and heads to her seat and says rather loudly, “Please Ma’am, be silent!” There was now pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the frustrated Pilot. She stares at the pilot in silence for a moment, then concentrates really hard, and all of a sudden starts shouting, “Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!”

Silly Joke #3

NASA had been interviewing professionals to select one candidate to go on a mission to Mars, except they wouldn’t ever be returning to Earth, as it was a one way trip. They were down to the last three candidates in a room together and were planning on choosing one of them. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much they wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I would donate it all to my alma mater — Harvard University.” The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked them the same question. “Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give one million to my charity and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he said, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults)

Three couples went in to see the minister of a very conservative church about becoming new members. The minister said that they would all have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. “A can of PAINT!!!” exclaimed the minister. “Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then, well, lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome at his church. “That’s okay,” said the newlywed man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot anymore either…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. And it ended up being the right year too. Not only that, but he also knew what time he would die that day as well, and he ended being right about that too.” 
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all that? Was he psychic or something?” 
Fellow 1 : “Naw, his judge told him.”

Silly Joke #2

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards to all her friends and loved ones. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, “What denomination?” The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Ok, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

Silly Joke #3

Two very negative businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. One of them, suddenly says to the other, ‘You know what I can’t stand?” “What’s that?” His business partner responded, “That we’re always getting interrupted by someone looking in our store window, then pounding on our door and asking what type of store this is.” “I agree!” No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked up to the window, took a peek, and then pounded on the door. When the irritated business partner opened it, the individual asked, “So, what are you selling here?” The businessman who had just brought this up answered sarcastically, “We’re selling assh*les buddy…” while his business partner laughed cynically. The senior citizen responded, “Well from the looks of it, it’s a success, as there’s only two left!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A physician had just finished up a successful colonoscopy where there were no negative findings and was now meeting with the patient post-procedure letting him know. 
Physician: “So, all is looking great! Do you have any more questions for me?” 
Patient: “Just one Doctor, is there any way you could you write a note for my wife?” 
Physician: “What ever for?” 
Patient: “I need you to tell her that my head really isn’t up there ok?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. “This place,” the guide told them, “is 600 years old. The owners have never had a single stone in it touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years…” “Wow,” said one of the American tourists dryly, “they must have the same landlord I have!”

Silly Joke #2

A Canadian customer not too proficient with computers was calling the Microsoft Office help desk to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.”
Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?”
Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.”
Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.”
Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?”
Caller: “Yes, I sure do.”
Agent: “OK, now press Control-A.”
Caller: “I am, but nothing happens.”
Agent: “The text isn’t highlighted?”
Caller: “No, there’s no change at all.”
Agent: “That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.”
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): “Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?”

Silly Joke #3

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight-saving operation on the wife of the country’s most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor’s usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor’s waiting room. The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: “Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?” “Honest to God, to tell the truth…” the physician replied, “my first thought was, thank goodness I’m not a proctologist!”

Bonus Silly Joke

The marriage between the aging farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, especially in the bedroom, so they consulted a specialist for advice. “The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don’t wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house,” said the doctor. “I already tried that,” said the farmer, “But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it’s no use.” The doctor thought for a minute, “Ok, well, take your shotgun with you then when you leave the house in the morning and if you’re feeling that urge if you know what I mean, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are.” A few weeks later the aging farmer sees the specialist while in town getting supplies. “How did it work out?” asked the doctor. “It was great the first three days,” said the farmer, “But then hunting season opened and I haven’t seen her since!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

On the way to kindergarten, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it. “Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor. “My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!” Then his little girl spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s! May I take your order?”

Silly Joke #2

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, “Ya know since summer started, I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away. The second Pastor then said “Yup, me too. I’ve got tons of them living in the basement of my church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still aren’t going away.” With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptized them all and made them members of the church and I haven’t seen one back since!!!”

Silly Joke #3

“I think I need a new doctor!” said Lauren to her girlfriend Karen. “Why?” said Karen. “Well, I went to my doctor recently and he said to me during my checkup, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” “What’s wrong with that advice? Karen responded feeling confused. “Because after that I said, “What, like bacon and burgers? and he said, “No, I mean you, Fatty, don’t eat anything!”

Bonus Silly Joke

An Ohio family of Buckeye football supporters head out one Saturday to an outlet mall to do some tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop Little Johnny picks up a Michigan jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Wolverines fan and I would like to wear this to school”. His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”. Off goes the little lad with the Michigan jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Michigan fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!” Off he goes with the Michigan jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Michigan fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,”No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!” About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” Little Johnny says, “Yes, Dad, I have.” “Good son, what is it?” To which the son replies, “I’ve only been a Michigan Wolverines fan for an hour and already I hate you Ohio State Buckeye bastards.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

It was Palm Sunday and Little Johnny had a sore throat so he stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked them what they were. “People held them over Jesus’ head as He walked by,” his father told him.“Wouldn’t you know it!!!” Little Johnny fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and Jesus finally shows up.”

Silly Joke #2

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him. The young man felt sorry for them and asked “I’m sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don’t have to split your food?” The old gentleman said, “Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we’ve been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50.” The young man said, “Wow! That’s commendable.” He then turned to the wife and asked, “Aren’t you going to eat your share?”  The wife replied “Not yet. It’s his turn to use the teeth.”

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?” “Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.” “Oh,” said Little Johnny. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked. “Oh, the stork brought us too.” “Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted. “Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the recliner. Several days later, Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the only sentence on it: “This paper was impossible to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations!”

Bonus Silly Joke

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, “Hey son, what you got there?” to which the boy replies, “It’s duct tape, I’m gonna go catch me some ducks.” The old man laughs and he calls out, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can’t believe his eyes. The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he’s got this time, the boy replies, “It’s a spool of chicken wire, I’m going to catch some chickens in it.” Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” The boy laughs himself, and says back, “That’s what you said about the duct tape,” and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can’t believe his eyes again. The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, “Hey son, what you go there today?” The boy responds, “It’s a pussy willow.” The man then replies, “Hang on son, I’ll get my hat!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up and scratching their heads. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts at the base, and laid the pole easily down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb woman! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

Silly Joke #2 (2 Little Johnny jokes)

Little Johnny was attending his first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, Little Johnny leaned over to his mom and whispered, “Can’t he hurry up and just pick one?! Geez!!!”

It was the end of the day when a patrol officer parked his car in front of the station. As he gathered up his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking. Just then Little Johnny walked by and said, “Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?” he asked. “It sure is,” the officer replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

Silly Joke #3

A blonde called and asked the pharmacist, “My doctor ordered this prescription of ninety cholesterol pills for me, which I got filled at your pharmacy. As I was reaching towards the end of bottle a packet dropped out. It instructed ‘Do Not Eat’. Well that was three days ago, can you tell me when I can start eating again? Because I’m really starving!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A man was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) and asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied. He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.” Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.”Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.” The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!” “Simple”, replied the Priest… “It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!” The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?” Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”. The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?” The Private didn’t agree, but the private being just a private responded, “Sir, Yes Sir!” The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.” The Private, who wasn’t a big fan of dogs, glanced down at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”  The General continued, “I just got this dog for my wife actually!” The Private finally in agreement with the General simply said, “Good trade Sir!”

Silly Joke #2

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshippers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.” Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!” As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean when you said last week that I must be smarter than Einstein?” The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you!”

Silly Joke #3

An old couple is having breakfast on their anniversary when the old woman says to her husband, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years today!” “Yes,” he replies. “Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds.” “Well,” the old woman snickers, “should we get naked again for old time’s sake?” So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. “You know,” the old woman says breathlessly, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.” “Well, I’m not surprised,” replies the old man. “One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal!”

Two Bonus Silly Jokes

Two old guys were chatting…..One said to the other: “My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV!”. The other guy responded, “Wow, that’s an amazing gift, an SUV!!! Just incredible!” The first guy said, “Yup !!! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature”. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it? She thought for some time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

It has been reported that veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew he was kneaded”. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and… one in the oven.

Silly Joke #2

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the local golf course, and I was visualizing my upcoming shot at the first hole, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men’s Tee, please!!” I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement–“Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S Tee kindly back up to the Men’s Tee.” I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, “Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!”

Silly Joke #3

Last year a blonde replaced several windows in her house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. One day, she suddenly got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and she had yet to pay for them. She got really upset and proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves!!! There was a very long silence on the other end of the line after that, so she just hung up and was grateful that she had set him straight.

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult humor)

A very well know rich man, but not all too attractive man meets a woman at a bar and asks her, “Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?” Without skipping a beat she screams “Oh God, yes!” The man then asks, “Well, what about for $20?” She looks at him angrily and says,” What do you think I am, a whore?” The man says “Well, we’ve already established that you are, so now we’re just negotiating…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear: “Daddy, you don’t have to pay for me. I’m under five…”

Silly Joke #2

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The Texan lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The lady from Mississippi continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.” Again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman boasted, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” Yet again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” The Texas lady replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.” “Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?” The Texas lady responded, “So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit!” I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

Silly Joke #3

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even gratified himself and put it too into the concoction! He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop gratifying yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. “Bubba, where’d you git that purty truck?!?” “Tammie give it to me!” Bubba replied. “She gave it to ya? I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?” “Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,’Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck! ” “Bubba, you a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

Silly Joke #2

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was amazingly able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked. “Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.” Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?” “No, not yet,” said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?!” “No, not yet,”  replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby then?!” “When it cries,” she told them. “When it cries???!!!” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?” “Because, I forgot where I put it!”

Silly Joke #3

A blonde found herself very lonely when her husband went to work every day. So one day she decided to try a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind occupied. She lay all the pieces out on the table but she could not get any two pieces to fit together. A few hours later her husband come home to find her very upset and almost in tears. He asked her what was wrong and she replied- “I cant solve this stupid jigsaw puzzle! Its supposed to be a tiger but I cant even get two pieces to fit together!” The husband looked at the table, took a deep breath and said- “Why don’t i make us both a cup of coffee dear and we’ll sit down together and put all those Frosted Flakes back in the box ok?”

Bonus Silly Joke (Three short ones!)

Did you know I used to run a dating agency for chicken? It didn’t really work out though because I struggled to make hens meet!

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!

Wife: “Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do honey?”
Husband: “Hide it in his books dear. You know he’ll never touch them…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn’t want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, “The world’s strongest weight lifter,” and left it under his glass. When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said “Thanks for the treat!” It was signed, “The world’s fastest runner.”

Silly Joke #2

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn’t think that he could have made it without his rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, “Would you like to have a martini with me?” The Bishop said, “Yes, that would be nice.” The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, “Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?”

Silly Joke #3

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, “This is the worst book I’ve ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!” The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two factory workers, a guy and a blonde were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work.” said the man. “How do you think you will do that?” said the blonde. He proceeded to show her…by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? “I’m a light bulb!” answered the guy. “I really think you might need some time off. Why don’t you go home and take a few days for your mental health…” said the boss. So, the man immediately jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde suddenly began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? “Home. I can’t work in the dark!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Michigan Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”
Barney: “No sir. I ain’t got no money, but I do have me a 1928 Ford Car!”
Lawyer: “Well I’m sure you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”
Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”

Silly Joke #2

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says “What’s this?” She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.” He says, “Jeez…ohhh….I…” She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Silly Joke #3

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Bonus Silly Joke

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.” I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best present I ever got!” “That’s great,” said his uncle. “Have you learned how to play it then?” “Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!”

Silly Joke #2

John had just gotten back to work after taking a two-week vacation and was talking to one of his co-workers. “Did you know that the longest drum solo ever recorded was 10 hours and 26 minutes…?” said John. “Really? No, I didn’t know that. That’s a long time!” responded his co-worker. “Yeah, and it was performed by the child sitting behind me on my Delta flight 963 from Tokyo to LA!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says, “Give me all your money!” He replied, “Do you realize I am an high level member of congress?!” The robber said, “In that case, give me all my money!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you by telegram since we don’t get any cell signal out there, and let you know to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’” The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow.”

And just because I laughed so hard at this one, here’s one for some quick adult humor…

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by some chance, buy this cow in Illinois?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “Well, because, my wife is from Illinois.”

Silly Joke #2

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.” “No, it’s not that…” said the guy. “This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink the poison I just put in my drink!!!”

Silly Joke #3

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those quarter scales in the store that tells your fortune and weight. He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results while his wife rolls her eyes. “Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m 295 pounds, energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!” “Well,” his wife nodded, “at least it got your weight right…”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. “What’s this?” he asks.  “Cojones, senor,” the waiter replies. “What are cojones?” the man asks.  “Cojones,” the waiter explains, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.” At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller. “Senor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not lose every time.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson