Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.” After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as “Towards” and “Away”. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: ‘We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.” “Oh, my poor boy, that is just terrible!’ She said sobbing. ‘What a huge fish it must have been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.’ ‘Yes, it was dear…’ said her husband. ‘But it didn’t even compare to the one that got Away!’”

Silly Joke #2

Phil and Bob went to a restaurant for dinner and both ordered steaks. As soon as the waiter brought out the two steaks, Phil quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Bob wasn’t happy about that. “When are you going to learn to be polite?” he said angrily. “Well, if you had the chance to pick first, which one would you have picked?” said Phil. “The smaller piece, of course!” responded Bob humbly. “Well that, what are you complaining about? The smaller piece is what you got, right?”, Phil said smiling ear to ear.

Silly Joke #3

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown — with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude. Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music–anything he could think of to try and set a good example… Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming…Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said, “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs.” Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “But I need to ask one thing, what did the chicken do?”

Bonus Silly Joke

A cub reporter for a small-town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. “Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.” The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. “This is a family paper!!! We don’t use words like breasts around here!! Now go back and write something more appropriate!” The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally, he handed the Editor the following report. “Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o )”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.” The wife said, “It’s been seven weeks, not six!!!”

Silly Joke #2

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.” “Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.” “It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “We’re from pure Asian descent!” “Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?” The man seemed ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month. The doctor then responds confidently, “There you have it, it’s just rust!”

Silly Joke #3

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a really good blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.‘ Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times!’

Bonus Silly Joke

A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long!!” The doctor says, “Well, I’m going to go out a limb here and say I think it’s because you’re too tired…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.” Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.” The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks — let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?” The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!” Zappo! — the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So, he calls across again, “Frog, will you marry me?” The irritated frog yells back, “Look. How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! NO!!!”

Silly Joke #2

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:”The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she actually knows how to cook!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson