Silly Joke Friday

Today’s Silly Joke Friday is TOTALLY dedicated to that mischievous Little Johnny who always seems to say the most inappropriate of things…

Silly Joke #1

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny!!! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network on my cable at home!”

Silly Joke #2

Little Johnny was loudly shouting his prayers. “Please God send me the new Playstation for my birthday!” His mother, overhearing him from downstairs heads upstairs and into his room, “Don’t shout dear, God isn’t deaf.” “No, but Grandad is, and he was downstairs with you!”, Little Johnny said with a grin.

Silly Joke #3

Teacher, “Ok class, today you will each share a recent event from your life.” Little Johnny shouts out first. “My father called Animal Welfare this past weekend because we found a suitcase while hiking in the woods and inside it were four kittens.” “That’s terrible!” the teacher replied, “Were they moving?” “Well, I’m not sure, to be honest,” I said, “but if they were that would explain the suitcase wouldn’t it?”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 for good measure!)

Little Johnny was now all grown up and working for a company in Florida. His boss has just walked into his office. “Congratulations Johnny! I’m promoting you to manage our new Montreal office!” Johnny responded disappointedly, “But sir! There’s nothing up there but cold weather and hockey players!” The boss responded quite irritated, “I’ll have you know Johnny that my mother is originally from Montreal!” “Really? No kidding? So, what hockey team did she play on?” Johnny said sarcastically.

Little Johnny had become an adult and been married for some time. He was sitting glumly on a barstool at the local bar near his home and calls his friend to come join him. “So, what’s up Johnny? Why are you at a bar by yourself on a Saturday night? Where’s your wife?” asked his friend. “Well, she suggested earlier this evening that we should play some sex games tonight to spice up our love lives.” “Yeah, so what was wrong with that man?” “Well, unfortunately my answer of ‘Guess who I shagged on the night of my bachelor party?’ wasn’t the game she was thinking of playing…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor yelled out “Tetanus!” with his patient. Then later he yelled “Measles!” with another. Soon after it was “Mumps!” with another patient. When he yelled out “Shingles!” with the last patient of the day, she asked the nurse who had been there a long while, “Why does he keep going on like that with each patient who needs a vaccine? ”Oh, that? He just likes to call the shots around here…”

Silly Joke #2

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“ Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Silly Joke #3

A man named John is feeling unwell, so he goes to see the doctor about it. The doctor tells him, “Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?” John replies, “Well, I only eat peas. I hate all other green foods.” The doctor looks at him and says, “Well, there’s your problem. All those peas are clogging up your system. You’ll have to give them up.” John asks the doctor, “How long should I give them up for? I mean, I really like eating peas.” The doctor replies, shaking his head, “Well, forever I’m afraid. If you don’t, you’ll get sick again.” John is shocked by the doctor’s suggestion, but he decides to give it a go. Sure enough, he starts feeling loads better after a couple of weeks and realizes that he’ll never eat peas again. Anyway, one night, years later, he’s sitting in a bar having a conversation with friends. One of them says, “I’d love a cigarette, because I haven’t had a smoke in four years. My wife persuaded me to give them up.” Another guy says, “I haven’t played a game of golf in three years, because it cost me my first marriage. So I gave it up.” Then John says, “That’s nothing. I haven’t had a pea in six years!” When a pretty blonde sitting at the bar nearby overheard this, she jumped up and yelled , “Oh my, that sounds dangerous! Where are you storing all that urine anyway?”  

Bonus Silly Joke

Little Johnny, always known for saying inappropriate things went out for a drive with his father one day. Upon returning home, Johnny’s mom asked, “What did you see, today honey?” Little Johnny replied, “3 idiots, 1 dumb fool, 4 morons, and 1 damn sexy fox that Daddy said I can never tell you about…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A religious education class was almost finished making their models of the nativity scene when the teacher noticed Little Johnny had actually done a lovely job. He had made some animals, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and the shepherds, each were all there. However, the teacher noticed an extra, rather overweight man in the scene as well.“Who is that person Little Johnny?” she asked.“Oh, that’s Round John Virgin!” said Little Johnny.

Silly Joke #2

A teacher barks at Little Johnny when she sees him blowing a bubble from a wad of chewing gum in his mouth. “Is that bubble gum I see in your mouth Johnny?!” Little Johnny nods. “In the trash can right now Johnny!” Little Johnny looks at the trash can, then back at the teacher, “With the bubble gum?”

Silly Joke #3

The new assistant priest was Little Johnny now all grown up. He was learning how to listen to confessions and an older priest says he’s going to listen in. Several confessions later, the older priest offers a few suggestions. “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?” Johnny tries out the words and gestures and the old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that’s a lot better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way! You did what?!!!”

Silly Joke #4

An old man goes into the local Social Security Office and fills out an application. He doesn’t have a birth certificate to prove his age which is needed for approval. So he opens his shirt and shows them the entire chest of gray hair. The young female clerk laughs and decides to accept that as proof, as it’s obvious to her anyway the man is well over the required age. The man then goes home to his wife, shows her the approval he received and explains to her how it happened. She replies, “Well maybe you can get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability?”

And here’s one more because I had to leave this super corny one for good measure…

The first time Moses actually went up on Mount Sinai, before God had a chance to say anything, Moses said, “God, I have a pounding headache!!! What do I do?” God responded, “Here, take these two tablets and we’ll talk about it in the morning.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A wife was watching a cooking program on television when her husband walked in.
Husband: “What are you watching that for? You can’t cook.”
Wife: “Well, I would say then that the same principle holds true with you watching all that porn!”

Silly Joke #2

A man’s beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when it got stolen from his office parking lot one day, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, he called the police. Their relief became short-lived, as within an hour an officer was on the phone. “We found the car less than a mile away,” he said, trying to restrain himself. “It had a note on it that read, ‘Thanks anyway, but I realized it was far better to walk!”

Silly Joke #3

An 80+ year old elderly gentleman went to his local drug store and asked his pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said “That’s no problem. How many would you like?” The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4 or so, because I am going to cut each one into 4 pieces to make them last longer.” The pharmacist responded, “Unfortunately, that won’t work as well if end up doing that to each pill.” The elderly gentleman responded, “That’s ok. I don’t need them to work that well as I don’t have sex anymore.” The pharmacist replied, “Well if you mind me asking, what do you plan to use them for then?” The elderly gentleman replied, “Oh, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my clothes and shoes anymore…”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A teacher asks all the kids in her 11th grade class one day what they plan to do when they officially become an adult in a few years and dreads when it comes around to Johnny’s turn who’s no longer Little Johnny but teenage Johnny, someone who’s always been known for giving the most inappropriate of responses to questions ever since he was a kid.
Teacher: “So, Johnny, what do you plan to do as an adult?”
Teenage Johnny: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then become a billionaire investor who is able to go to the most expensive private clubs where I’ll find the finest bitch and give her whatever she wants including a mansion in Paris, which we will travel to by my private jet, and once there, I’ll be banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane!”
While the class laughed hysterically, the teacher was completely embarrassed, shocked, and had no idea know what to say. But, rather than send Johnny to the Principal’s office like he was always being sent to, she simply decides not to acknowledge what he said at all and continues on with her lesson without skipping a beat.
Teacher: “And how about you, Sarah. What do you plan to do when you become an adult?’
Sarah: “I plan to be Larry’s bitch…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

About an hour before her favorite breakfast place was about to close, a beautiful blonde heads to it and after arriving takes a seat and orders her usual, the breakfast special, but instead of getting the coffee that comes with it, she decides she wants orange juice today. After she’s served it, she quickly devours the meal but doesn’t touch the carton of orange juice. The waiter checks in from time to time and ask if she needs anything, and she ignores him each time. Assuming she was just a rude person, he eventually returns when they are getting ready to close. She’s the last one in the place. “Ma’am, I’m not sure if you knew we are going to be closing in a few minutes?” “I can’t leave just yet!”, she responds without even looking at him. “And why not?” questions the waiter. “Because this annoying carton of orange juice you gave me said to concentrate!”

Silly Joke #2

What’s are a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist completely opposite?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of a 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

Silly Joke #3 (2 Little Johnny Jokes)

Little Johnny was on the subway with his mother. He noticed a man next to them had an open book in his hands and was crying, as the man’s eyes looked down at the pages. Little Johnny looked over at him and said, “It’s ok sir, I don’t know how to read yet either…”

Teacher (to the class): What are you grateful for?
Megan (raising her hand first): I’m grateful for the big man upstairs.
Little Johnny (blurting out): Not me, the big man upstairs always drives me nuts! He practices river dancing every night for a freaking hour!!!

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A grandson was soon to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex. His grandfather tells him, “When I first got married, I wanted it all the time, maybe several times a day. Later on, it maybe was once a week. But, as I got older, it was maybe once a month. And by the time I reached 70, I was lucky to have it once a year.” His grandson then asked, “And how about now with you and Grandma?” His grandfather replies, “Oh, we have oral sex regularly now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into the guest room. She yells, ‘F**k you,’ and I holler back, ‘F**k you, too!'”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (2 Little Johnny quick jokes)

Teacher: “Does everyone know what a headache is?”
Class (in unison): “Yesss!!”
Teacher: “Great. Now then, what does your mother do to make her headache go away?”
Little Johnny (blurting out his answer as always): “She sends me out to play!”

Teacher: “Okay, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”
Little Johnny (yelling out as always): “That’s obvious, it’s past tense!”

Silly Joke #2

A frustrated wife was talking to her blonde best friend. “I don’t know what’s wrong with my husband. He put a slice of cucumber up his nose, a piece of carrot in his left ear and a dab of banana in his right ear in our last few meals together. What do you think is wrong with him? The blonde replied calmly, “I think it’s pretty simple? He’s not eating properly…”

Silly Joke #3

Two young adult males were talking over a beer one night. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook a few weeks ago,” said the first, “but I wasn’t able to do anything with it.” “Way too complicated of recipes I bet right?” asked the second. “Nah. It was because each said you start by taking a clean dish….”

Bonus Silly Joke

A wealthy woman was sure that her wealthy husband was cheating on her with their live-in maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend after her husband had already gone upstairs for bed. When she turned in not too long later, the husband soon gave her the same old story. “Hon, I can’t sleep. I’m going to go downstairs and watch some tv for a little while. But first, I need to go to go to the bathroom.” As soon as he had left and went into the bathroom, with her assuming he was freshening up for the maid, she promptly ran into the maid’s bedroom and closed the door. She switched the lights off and got under the covers of the maid’s bed. The door to the maid’s room opened not too long after that. When he crawled in bed next to her and rolled on top of her she immediately screamed at him, “I knew it! You cheating louse of a husband!!!” She then switched on the light and saw their live-in gardener with his mouth gaping wide open in horror.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, they noticed a beautiful blonde looking out her kitchen window watching them as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The younger trainee took him up on his offer and they were off and running like bats out of hell. As they came running up to the truck neck to neck, they suddenly realized the blonde from that last house had just arrived behind them huffing and puffing. The senior training supervisor asked her if everything was ok. Gasping for breath, she replied, “Well, when I see two men from the gas company suddenly running as fast as you two were away after reading my meter, I figured I’d better run away as well!!!”

Silly Joke #2

An overly confident guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a very attractive woman. He immediately turns to her and begins to make his move. “You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger sitting next to you. So I’d like to chat if you would?” The woman, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “Sure, what would you like to talk about?”  “Oh, I don’t know, how about nuclear power?”, says the guy trying to over-inflate his ego. “Hmmm,” says the woman. “That could be an interesting topic. But first, let me ask you a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?” The ego-centric guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea?” “Well, if that’s the case…” says the woman, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you really don’t know shit?”

Silly Joke #3

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. I want to know exactly how many there were?” The husband replied, “Look hon, telling you that is only going to upset you. I really don’t want to do that because there were many. Can we just leave it alone?” The wife wouldn’t let it rest and finally, the husband gave in. “Well…” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine…”

Bonus Silly Joke

Voicemail Recording: “Hello there! It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now and I hope you are too. Please leave me a message don’t forget to be positive and share the love ok?”

Voicemail Left After The Message:  “Um….this is the clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your VD test is back. You may want to stop sharing the love for a while…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands. A few minutes later, the same man re-appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.” A few minutes later, the man circled back once more shuffling into the line. “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.” Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons later after everyone had left and asked if he knew the man. “Oh, don’t let him bother you,” said the deacon. “He has some diagnosed mental health issues. I was told that one of the things he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”

Silly Joke #2

An exasperated mother, whose son Little Johnny was always getting into a lot of mischief, finally asked him one day after he got himself into deep trouble, “Little Johnny, how do you expect to get into Heaven acting like this?” Little Johnny thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just keep running in and out and in and out and in and out slamming the door each time until St. Peter yells, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!!!’”

Silly Joke #3

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the blonde worker behind the counter, “Do these turkeys ever get any bigger than this?” The blonde replied, “No ma’am, unfortunately, they’re all dead.” 

Bonus Silly Joke

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first Amtrak ride heading to Washington, DC for a mini-vacation. At the snack bar on the train, she saw they were selling Pop Rocks, a candy she loved as a kid but one that she knew neither of her grandsons had ever seen or had before so she bought each a bag as a treat. Before they received it, she told them the story she heard as a kid about someone eating these and having soda along with it and it blowing up their stomach, but said it was all a silly rumor. She then gave them both their treat. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: “Well it didn’t blow up my stomach, but I still wouldn’t eat it if I were you.” “Why not?” replied the curious brother “Cuz, I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son Little Johnny standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, “Little Johnny’s now 5 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees soon. But, no need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask when he’s ready, and I’ll answer.” After everything was over, Little Johnny asks, “Daddy, how fast was that calf going to get lodged into the cow like that?”

Silly Joke #2

Maybe all those “Flat-Earthers” conspiracy theorists are right? Because despite what some people think, since the world is arguably 75% water, and none of it is carbonated…can’t one accurately deduct that the earth is technically flat?

Silly Joke #3

If the Lord came to a man named Noah in 2022…

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” He then gave Noah the blueprints in saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord saw Noah weeping in his yard and no ark present. “Noah! I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” said God. “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit and I’ve been arguing with the inspector about their need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I also have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations so I had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl, but I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the spotted owl, but they weren’t hearing it! And when I finally started gathering the animals, PETA sued me. They insisted I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Besides that, I’m also trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on the lack of minorities I had in my building crew while the trades unions say I can’t just use my sons. They insisted I had to hire Union workers with ark-building experience. “So, forgive me, Lord, but I think it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark given all these issues!” Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?” “No,” said the Lord. “I think it’s clear it’s already been destroyed…”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

Little Johnny’s mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when Little Johnny walks in. Mommy, where do babies come from? Well, honey…you see it’s like this. A mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and share intimacy and eventually a baby comes from that. “What’s intimacy Mommy?” responds Little Johnny. ”That means the daddy puts his male part in the mommy’s female part. That’s how a baby gets made honey.” “But what about the other night Mommy, when I came into your room late at night when I couldn’t sleep and saw and daddy’s male part in Mommy’s mouth? What do you get when you do that Mommy?” Johnny said not quite understanding. “Expensive jewelry, honey!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

My twin brother recently called me from prison.
He said, “Remember how we always said we were were so close we could finish each other’s sentences…?”
I hung up the phone after that…

Silly Joke #2

Two Mormons were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She had no desire to talk to them and went to slam the door except it suddenly bounced back open. Convinced one of the Mormons had their foot sticking in the door, she said, “Can’t you Mormons ever take a hint? I already have Jesus and spread a lot of Christ’s love in my life!” One of the Mormon’s then responded, “Ma’am if that is the case, you might want to show a little of that to your cat who got caught in your door when you tried to slam it in our face…”

Silly Joke #3

The new school year had just started. Ms. Davidson was not happy to see that she had Little Johnny in her class this year. She had been told by all his prior teachers that he was always shouting out extremely inappropriate things in class. As she began her first lesson feeling concerned, she wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer!  “Ok, class, what do I need to do to correct this sentence?” she said pointing to the blackboard. “Get laid?!” Little Johnny shouted back.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man was slowly driving up a steep, narrow mountain road enjoying the sunshine. He had taken his shirt off and had his top down on his convertible catching all the rays. A woman driving down the same road slowed down and opened her window. As they passed each other, she yelled, “PIG!!!” and drove on. The man immediately yelled back, “BITCH!!” As the man rounded the next corner angry at the woman judging him like that he suddenly crashes into a large pig standing in the middle of the road. If only men would just listen for once…things like this would never have to happen!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Employer: “We need someone responsible for this job.”
Blonde: “Sir your search for someone to fill this position can end here! You see, in my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible!!!”

Silly Joke #2

A very faith-based young lady came home from her date rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff just proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he was an atheist Mom! He doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, I’m sure we’ll eventually show him how wrong he is!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A college girl was given a challenging homework assignment for her Literature class. It was to write a story in as few words as possible that would still gain the readers attention and it needed to be about religion, sexuality and mystery. She ended up receiving the highest grade in the class all because she wrote…”Good God! I’m pregnant and I don’t know who did it!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A blonde decided not to name her dog “Rover” or “Boy” or “Duke” when she was young and had named it something she’d never forget, which was  “Sex”. Unfortunately it’s gotten her into trouble ever since…

Example 1: When she went one day to where you get a new dog license, she told the clerk she would like to have a license for Sex. He thought she was praying a prank and chuckled, “I’d sure like to have one of those too!” But when she responded, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 11 and never got a license for it!” The clerk said she should probably leave.

Example 2: When she got married and went on her honeymoon, she decided to take the dog with her. She told the hotel clerk while her husband and her dog were outside with their car that she wanted a room that had a special place for Sex. He thought she was making a joke and chuckled, “Every part of our rooms can be used in that way ma’am.” She didn’t quite get it and responded, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk tried to joke again, “Me too.” But when she responded, “Is it ok to have Sex anywhere in this hotel?” The clerk wasn’t joking anymore and said the hotel she was looking for was on the other side of town.

Example 3: When she entered Sex in a dog contest, Sex got away just before the competition began. Another contestant saw her looking around in one room after another and asked what she doing. She told him she had planned to have Sex in the contest. He joked and said, “You probably would have sold out tickets!” She didn’t quite get it and responded, “You don’t understand, I really hoped to have Sex on television.” He contacted the head of security after that.

Example 4: When she and her husband separated, her husband took the dog. She went to court to file for custody of it. In court, she said, “Your Honor, I’ve had Sex before I got married!” The judge joked, “Me too.” She didn’t quite get it and responded, “After I got married, Sex was never the same.” The judged joked again, “Me too.” But when she responded again, “I’d even be ok if I could give you Sex until you make the decision on this case!”, the judge immediately threw her case out.

Example 5: When her husband decided to finally return her dog, Sex ran off again the very first night. She spent hours looking around town for him. A policeman pulled up at one point and asked, “What are you doing in this part of town at 4 in the morning ma’am?” She said, “I’m hoping to find Sex officer! Can you help me?” The officer not in the mood began to arrest  her. She yelled, “I’m only looking for my dog named Sex, why is that a crime?” The officer realizing she was a blonde said, “You might want to change the name of your dog ma’am.” She didn’t quite understand why and the officer could tell, so he just said as he started to drive away…”Maybe you need to stop looking for Sex tonight and call it a night!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

God: “Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth.”
Angel: “Wow! So, what are you going to do now?”
God: “I guess I’m going to call it a day…”

Silly Joke #2

Person 1: Ya gotta love Easter you know?
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Because Easter is the only day we get to celebrate something so crazy as Jesus rising from the grave and then coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs!

Silly Joke #3

After a long, dry sermon, the Minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. “I think you misunderstood my announcement? This is a meeting for the board”, said the Minister. “I know!” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I was during your service, I’d like to meet them!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult humor)

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.” So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh really? You’re a lawyer?” He said, “Yes I am!” She was so excited she wanted to go back to his place. Soon, they were in bed, screwing, eventually he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny came downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter honey?” “Well, Dad was hanging pictures, and hit his thumb with a hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “Well, that doesn’t sound so serious or explain why you are crying so much?” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but this doesn’t really sound like something to cry about dear? Why don’t you just laugh it off? “I did Mommy, really hard, and Daddy ended up spanking me cuz of it!!!” sobbed Johnny.

Silly Joke #2

Anna: I’m in a big trouble!
Billy: Why is that?
Anna: I saw a mouse in my house!
Billy: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
Anna: I don’t have one.
Billy: Well then, buy one.
Anna: I can’t afford one.
Billy: I can give you one of mine if you want.
Anna: I’d like that. Thank you!
Billy: All you need is put some cheese in it to make the mouse come to the trap.
Anna: I don’t have any cheese.
Billy: Well, then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
Anna: I don’t have any oil.
Billy: Well, then, just put a small piece of bread on it, it should still work.
Anna: I don’t have any bread.
Billy: Why the hell then is a mouse doing at your house if you don’t have anything!

Silly Joke #3

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: Ok Doc, so what’s the cure?
Doctor: Well, that’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused on your health plan right now ok?

Silly Joke #4

It was Schneider’s birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.
“Telegram!”
He opened the door excitedly, “Is it a singing telegram?” Schneider asked the messenger boy.
“No Sir. No one does singing telegrams anymore.”
“I’ve always wanted a singing telegram though! Can’t you bend the rules and make an old man happy?”
“Sorry.”
“Please,” begged Schneider. “It’s my birthday!”
“Oh, fine!” said the boy,
“Dah-dah dee… dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A professor was giving a really difficult test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over each of the students handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “Here’s a dollar per point given to me…” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got back his test with a note and an envelope attached below it, “Here’s your results and your $64 change…”

Silly Joke #2

Billy Bob and Bubba were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Bubba, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.” Bubba asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?” Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me!”

Silly Joke #3 (3 quick ones)

Little Johnny – “Dad, what’s the difference between the word “confident” and “confidential?””
Little Jonny’s Dad – “Hmm. Well, you are my son, of that I am confident! But, your best friend Timmy is also my son, and that’s confidential!”

Nutritionist: You really should be limited your caloric intake to 1200 calories a day.
Me: Ok, that sounds pretty doable. But how many can I have at night?

Potential Boss: “So, do you have any other questions for me?”
Potential Employee: “Well, what exactly does “competitive salary” mean? 
Potential Boss: “It means your salary will be competing with your bills!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult humor)

An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time. They decide it’s finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work. They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asks, rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently,” replies the old lady. The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: “Is that one word or two?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders like yours require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”

Silly Joke #2

A wife was laying in bed one afternoon with her husband’s best friend while he was at work. She had been cheating with him for a good while now. Suddenly her phone rang and she answers it. “Yes… uh, huh… OK… yes… bye hun.” Her husband’s best friend says: “Who was that?” “That was my husband,” she replied. The man quickly jumped out of bed, and began to put on his clothes in a hurry expecting her husband to be coming home from work soon. “Relax,” said the wife. “He just called to tell me he was heading out to play golf with you…”

Silly Joke #3

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.The circus owner tells them: I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner can’t believe his eyes. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life,” He then turns to the young lad and asks, “Do you think you can top that?” The young man replies. “Sure, so long as she is ok with it?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him. The moral of this story: Never read between the lions.

Silly Joke #2

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. “Did you play sports in college,” his beautifully blonde wife then asked me. “Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.” “That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

Silly Joke #3

15 Things to do at Wal-mart to pass the time by and have some fun…

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor going into the rest room.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.
5. Ask the customer service desk if you could put some M&M’s on layaway.
6. Move a “CAUTION WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone!’
9. Look right into a security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where you can find some anti-depressants.
12. Grab some pajamas in the clothing department, put them on in the dressing room and walk around (although this one may not work well since you might find others there are already wearing pajamas too!)
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!’
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again!’
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud…..’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!’

Bonus Silly Joke

9 dangerous words in your relationship that your partner may say to you…

(1)  “Fine” – This is the word uses to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) “Five Minutes” – If they are getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to enjoy what you are doing before you have to help around the house.
(3) “Nothing” – This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with (1) being spoken.
(4) “Go Ahead” – This is a dare, not a permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) “Loud Sigh” – This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood. A loud sigh means they think you are an ass and wonder why they are wasting their time standing there and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to (3) for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) “That’s Okay” – This is one of the most dangerous statements made. That’s okay means they want to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) “Thanks” – You are actually being thanked! Do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (But if they say, “Thanks a lot” – that is pure sarcasm and they aren’t thanking you at all. In this case never say “You’re welcome”, as that will bring on (8).
(8) “Whatever” – This is just another way of saying, “Go to hell.”
(9) “Don’t worry about it, I got it” – This means they have asked you to do something several times but are now doing it themselves. It’s usually followed by silence later by them and if you ask them, ‘What’s wrong?’, refer to (3) as that is the answer you’ll get.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and had some skin rash all over, so she went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him, sounding very irritated, “Look, obviously I’m a doctor as well, being a veterinarian and all. I never need to ask my patients these kind of questions and can tell what’s wrong just by my examination.” She smugly added, “So, why can’t you?” The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “Here you go. Of course, if this doesn’t work for you, we’ll just have to have you put to sleep.”

Silly Joke #2 (3 quick ones)

A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So I hid her keys, head-butted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

I decided to go by the house I grew up in the other day. When I got there I asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face! Parents can be such jerks sometimes!

Silly Joke #3

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, “Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?” “Well … I guess I can.” “And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?””Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it’s going to be that much work, you can count me out!”

Bonus Silly Joke

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A gorgeous blonde was driving in her car on the highway. Eventually, she crashed into the car in front of her. When a policeman arrived on the scene and approached her, he asked, “Ma’am, are you ok?” She responded, “I’m fine Officer. This all happened because no matter where I turned there was a tree in my way! I went left and there it was and I went right and there it was again!” The officer leaned over and said, “Ma’am that was your air freshener…”

Silly Joke #2

Pam was talking to her friend Allie over a coffee at their favorite cafe. “It seems as if I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “Say thank you… Sit up straight… Use your napkin… Close your mouth when you chew… Don’t lean back in your chair…” And just when I finally got my husband squared away, my kids came along!!!

Silly Joke #3

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day the funeral was held and the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two newlyweds were riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, “Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.” “Good idea,” she says. “While you’re in there, pick me up some Dramamine (sea sickness medicine).” The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the gorgeous blonde clerk, “I’d like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.” “Yes sir, she says, “but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A native American went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like American Indians. The game warden ordered to the Indian to show his hunting license, and the Indian pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license?” The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?” The Indian reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?” Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Indian, “Just where the hell are you from anyway?” The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, expert…”

Silly Joke #2

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, “I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.” “That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut’.”

Silly Joke #3

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies. ‘Fred what?’ the officer asks. ‘Just Fred,’ the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and says he’ll give the biker a break and just give him a warning if he can give a good reason for only having a first name. The biker responds, “I used to have a last name but lost it. It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.  Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.” The officer then walked back way laughing uncontrollably giving him the warning as promised…

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.” The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Maybe so dear, but it was much harder!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

I hope you enjoy today’s Silly Joke Friday filled with all Little Johnny jokes, that mischievous young kid always getting into trouble and saying things that make everyone uncomfortable!!!

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny was making his first visit to the hospital where his father was about to have an operation. As he waited with his Mom next to his bed while the Doctor began to prepare his Dad for the procedure, he asks the Doctor what is being put into his arm. The doctor explained, “Why that’s an anesthetic son. After your father gets this he won’t know a thing.” “Save your time, Doc!” exclaimed Little Johnny. “Mom always says, he doesn’t know nothing now!”

Silly Joke #2

A minister delivered his sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was at least half the length of his usual sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate a big portion of today’s sermon which I was unable to deliver because of it.” After the service, Little Johnny, who was visiting his Grandparents for the weekend, shook hands with the minister as they left and asked, “Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, is there any way I can have one to give as a gift to the minister of my church?”

Silly Joke #3

After church on Sunday morning, Little Johnny suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?” “Well,” Little Johnny replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to always stand up, yell and talk for long periods, than to have to sit still, be quiet, and do nothing more than listen…”

Bonus Silly Joke

“It’s no use Mom. Art never listens to me,” said Little Johnny to his mother after praying for a new bike for the millionth time. “Art who?” asked Little Johnny’s mother. “You know Mom! You pray to him all the time too! Remember…our father, who is Art in heaven…hallowed be his name…? Geez Mom! Why are we even praying to this guy if you can’t even remember his name!” Little Johnny replied angrily.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000. What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen…

Silly Joke #2

One day, I found a strange-looking bottle and upon rubbing it, a genie appeared. The genie granted me one wish, so I immediately said without thinking, “I just want to be happy!” And now I’m living in a freaking tiny cottage with 6 other dwarves and working in a freaking mine of all things as well!

Silly Joke #3

After the christening of his baby brother little Mikey in church, little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and finally, little Johnny said sobbing, “That priest said he wanted Mikey and I brought up in a good Christian home, and I really want to still stay with you guys!”

Bonus Silly Joke

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar, and how Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar and do this four times.”Now, said the teacher, “Does anyone in the class know why the Lord wanted Elijah to pour that water over the steer?” Little Johnny in the back of the room raised his hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy!!!” came his enthusiastic reply.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (2 Quick Marriage Jokes)

“Oh God,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!” Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised: You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son…”

Silly Joke #2

This woman rushed to see the local urgent care, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off the doctor as soon as she is seen… “Look at me! Ever since I woke up this morning, I noticed my hair is extremely wiry and frazzled, my skin is overly wrinkled and pasty, my eyes are completely bloodshot and puffy, and I have this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor does a very thorough examination, then calmly says: “Would it help if I told you that you are in completely perfect health…?”

Silly Joke #3

Mr. and Mrs. Wilson entered an overly crowded elevator. As it descended, she became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be tightly pressed against a very gorgeous young woman. When the elevator stopped at the main floor, the gorgeous woman suddenly whirled around, slapped Mr. Wilson, and angrily yelled, “That will teach you to pinch total strangers! Men are such pigs!” Totally bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I… I… didn’t pinch that woman?” “Of course you didn’t,” said his wife, consolingly. “I did!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny’s teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for her new students. The appointed student was to describe their father’s profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line. Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, “My Daddy cuts people open.” Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher was grateful that Little Johnny didn’t raise his hand. Little Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, “My Daddy locks people up.” Again hands shot up…….but thankfully Little Johnny didn’t raise his hand. The game went on until all but Little Johnny was left. The teacher asked, “Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?” “Yeah” he said, and quickly bounded up to the front of the room. “My Daddy eats light bulbs!” The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, “He eats light bulbs? Can you explain please?” “Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, “Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A third grade teacher asked her students, one by one, to stand in front of the class and tell the class what their Daddy’s do. Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives” “That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?” “My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Little Jane. “Very good Jane. Ok Little Johnny, what does your daddy do?” “My daddy is dead” says Little Johnny. “Oh, I’m so very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he passed away?” Little Johnny responded, “He turned blue and then crapped on the carpet!”

Silly Joke #2

WIFE: “Honey, there’s trouble with our car. I think it has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? You don’t even know what a carburetor is!” Have you’ve been drinking?”
WIFE: “I’m telling you the car has water in the carburetor! And what does that matter if I’ve had a few drinks or not?”
HUSBAND: “Well, you sound a little drunk. Where’s the car now anyway?”
WIFE: “Ummm….in the neighbor’s in-ground pool.”

Silly Joke #3

LITTLE JOHNNY: “Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t lied, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really doing good! But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to do all those things and need your forgiveness and all ok? Thanks! Amen!”

Silly Joke #4 (Adult Humor)

Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, “Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?” The young priest timidly replied, “Yes Father.” And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed. “Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?” he blurted. Embarrassed for his mistake, he quickly left and ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened. The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. “And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?” he added. “Certainly!” the middle-aged priest replied, “I’ll be right back.” When he arrived at the booth, he said “I’d like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and could I have two nipples for a dime?” Embarrassed for what he mistakenly said, he abruptly left and ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened. The senior father was angry and said, “You two wait here, I’ll obviously have to get them myself!” He stormed off to the ticket booth and when he got to the beautiful young lady’s booth he said, “I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime.” “And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in public! Why….I’m sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!” Turning beet red at his mistake, he then swiftly ran away as well…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” 
“Eight,” Little Johnny replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
Little Johnny replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for my younger brother.”
The man replied, “Son, I’m not sure if you really understand what these are used for?”
Little Johnny replied, “Sure I do! It said on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike without any problems! And right now, my little brother can’t do either one!”

Silly Joke #2

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded, “When we were first married we came to an agreement — I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”

Silly Joke #3

A passenger train suddenly slows down and comes to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What the heck is going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track Ma’am!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it suddenly stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, “What the hell! I guess we happened to catch up to that cow again!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, “You know what? You’re not that great in bed anyways!” So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends…..He calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath….The doctor says, “What were you doing?” and she says, “l was in bed!” The doctor responds, “What were you doing in bed so late in the day?” The wife then curtly replied, “Getting a second opinion!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as “She” or “Her”. But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as “HE” because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as “SHE” because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Silly Joke #2

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Mr. Green, what makes you so smart?” “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Mr. Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re one my my best and faithful customers, I’ll let you in on my secret. It’s fish heads. If you eat enough of them, it will definitely increase your brilliance.” “Really? Do you sell them here?” the customer asks. “Yup, just $4 apiece,” says Mr. Green. The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough, you only had three if I remember correctly?” says Mr. Green. So, the customer decides to buy 20 more fish heads. A few weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry. “Hey, Mr. Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!” “You see?” says Green. “You’re getting smarter already!”

Silly Joke #3

Kathy, a beautiful blonde woman began her job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer. A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, “Okay, I guess so…” “Why are you standing here all alone?” asked Kathy. “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A college student picked up his new date at her parents home. He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?” “No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid, either.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The youngest of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, “Good morning son.” “Good morning Mr. Pastor” replied Little Johnny not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” he asked. “Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service”, replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30, because I usually go to your 10:30?!”

Silly Joke #2

A 92 year-old man that was hard of hearing went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The Doctor said, “Actually, I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!”

Silly Joke #3

A young American tourist goes on a self-guided tour of a creepy old European castle. Near the end of her tour, she sees a young girl looking around in the last room she’s looking in who asks her how she enjoyed her visit. The tourist admitted to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages. “Oh, don’t worry,” says the young girl, “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.” “How long is that?” asks the tourist. “About three hundred years…”

Bonus Silly Joke

Last summer blonde Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. “It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Blonde Ed said to his lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.” “Well, if we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied. “I’m really a hooker.” “I see,” Blonde Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, “Well, you know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and yelled, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up immediately. The husband said, “Who the heck was that???” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman asked if the coast was clear right when I picked up the phone!”

Silly Joke #2

A seriously drunk individual walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “You are a worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk you know that!” she screamed at him… “That’s funny,” he muttered, “because you even sound like her now too!”

Silly #3

An old man close to ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. “Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a beautiful 30-year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love and I’m still able to do that even at my age!!! In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love again!!! At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and we make love one final time!” The policeman looks at the old man and says, “With all that, why are you crying? You should be the happiest man in the world!” The old man responds, “I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”

Silly #4 (Adult Humor)

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. He takes his shirt off and flexes his hugely muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to get really excited. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose in his underwear, and says, “See these bulging thighs baby? That’s another 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to long for some steamy action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she quickly buttons herself back up, grabs her purse, and is heading towards the door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you suddenly in such a hurry to go?” She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a tiny fuse, well…I really thought you were going to explode before we even began…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings!” “Well, that’s wonderful news!!!” the artist exclaimed. “So, what’s the bad news?” “Umm, well the gentleman was your doctor…”

Silly Joke #2

Arizona was having its worst heat wave in the state’s history. Jack decided one stifling afternoon to take a shower to cool down. “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack to his wife as he stepped out of it 10 minutes later. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this today?” “Probably that I married you for your money dear…”, she said with a sigh.

Silly Joke #3

A mother was trying very hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle for her four-year-old daughter’s meal. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister of your family’s church, dear” the man said to the little girl on the other end. “Is your Mommy available?” “No, Mommy can’t come to the phone right now…” the daughter said. “Cuz, she’s hitting the bottle really hard right now…”

Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults Only)

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her very elderly Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk outside. Well, who should be walking down the street in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up here for dear?” Not wanting to upset her Grandma, the young girl said that the police were giving out free oranges today and that she was lining up for some.” Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. When a police officer made his way down the line, he got to the Grandma at the end of it and was totally bewildered. “Forgive me Ma’am but, you’re so old, how do you do it?” Grandma replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry.”

Peace, love, light, and, joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Patient: “Doctor, I think I’m a moth.”
Doctor: “It’s not a doctor you need, it’s a psychiatrist.”
Patient: “Well, I was actually on my way there when I saw your light on!”

Silly Joke #2

An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had not slept a wink. “Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked “I did, that is what got me into trouble” the accountant replied “I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until this morning to correct it.”

Silly Joke #3

Two old ladies were outside their assisted living home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. 

Lady 1: What’s that? 
Lady 2: A condom. 
Lady 1: Where and when did you get that? 
Lady 2: The drugstore the other day when they took us there… 

The next time the assisted living home took them to the drugstore, the first lady hobbled into it and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits a Camel.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?” Jeff admitted embarrassingly, “Well, yes I did.” She said “you can have it, but it will cost you $100.” After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?” Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you $100?” Sandy thought, ‘Oh God, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me $100.” “Good,” Dave says. “Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
“What’ll it be?” asks the bartender.
“I’ll have a………………………beer,” the bear says.
“Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know…” says the bear. “Maybe cuz I was born with them!”

Silly Joke #2

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 months to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The doctor suggested that he should get his “house in order”, make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. “What will you do for the last six months?” asked the doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “Honestly, I think I’ll have my wife and I just go and live at her annoying mother’s place!” Surprised by the answer and wanting to know why, the doctor asked, “Of all the people, why in the would you want to live with an annoying mother-in-law for your last six months of life???” “Because it’ll feel like the longest six months of my life Doc!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid $100,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $100,000. The Irish man replied, “It wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this… O o …and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge.  “And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s incredible! How did you manage to do that?!?”, “Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) o O Except, I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your a$$hole before prison and this one (pointing to the big circle) is your a$$hole after prison…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There’s a guy who’s one of those that just doesn’t like wearing a seatbelt when he drives, regardless of the risk. He was driving home from work one day when an officer sitting at a regular spot where people routinely run a stoplight noticed he didn’t have his seatbelt on. The driver was summed to pull over and got a ticket for it. Three days later, the same officer sitting at the same spot saw the same driver in the same car pull up to the light and didn’t have his seatbelt on again. He immediately put his lights on and summoned him to pull over. “So, I guess you didn’t learn anything from the last time I pulled you over?” asked the cop. “Well, actually, now I have sir,” I began. “I realize it’s time to find a new way home from work!”

Silly Joke #2

A big city 35-year-old lawyer decided to go duck hunting in a very rural area far from the city limits. His first shot hit and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the city and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes out here! We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take this old codger. He agreed to abide by the strange local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was now on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh pile of horse poop nearby. The lawyer was so angry now and immediately got to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn!” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. I never wanted the duck in the first place. I just wanted a chance to kick a lawyer’s ass for once after the last one took all my money!”

Silly Joke #3

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time…
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh my, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“Well, he died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck, how did that happen if you mind me asking?”
“Well, he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms…”

Bonus Silly Joke

A blond guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife, which happened to be on the night of his wild and crazy bachelor party, so he says, “I’m so embarrassed right now to ask this, but did you happen to be a stripper at one time and work a bachelor party years ago where celery was used as a flogging tool?” The woman looks noticeably upset now and says sternly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson