Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear: “Daddy, you don’t have to pay for me. I’m under five…”

Silly Joke #2

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The Texan lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The lady from Mississippi continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.” Again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman boasted, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” Yet again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” The Texas lady replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.” “Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?” The Texas lady responded, “So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit!” I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

Silly Joke #3

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even gratified himself and put it too into the concoction! He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop gratifying yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. “Bubba, where’d you git that purty truck?!?” “Tammie give it to me!” Bubba replied. “She gave it to ya? I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?” “Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,’Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck! ” “Bubba, you a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

Silly Joke #2

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was amazingly able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked. “Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.” Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?” “No, not yet,” said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?!” “No, not yet,”  replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby then?!” “When it cries,” she told them. “When it cries???!!!” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?” “Because, I forgot where I put it!”

Silly Joke #3

A blonde found herself very lonely when her husband went to work every day. So one day she decided to try a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind occupied. She lay all the pieces out on the table but she could not get any two pieces to fit together. A few hours later her husband come home to find her very upset and almost in tears. He asked her what was wrong and she replied- “I cant solve this stupid jigsaw puzzle! Its supposed to be a tiger but I cant even get two pieces to fit together!” The husband looked at the table, took a deep breath and said- “Why don’t i make us both a cup of coffee dear and we’ll sit down together and put all those Frosted Flakes back in the box ok?”

Bonus Silly Joke (Three short ones!)

Did you know I used to run a dating agency for chicken? It didn’t really work out though because I struggled to make hens meet!

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!

Wife: “Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do honey?”
Husband: “Hide it in his books dear. You know he’ll never touch them…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn’t want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, “The world’s strongest weight lifter,” and left it under his glass. When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said “Thanks for the treat!” It was signed, “The world’s fastest runner.”

Silly Joke #2

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn’t think that he could have made it without his rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, “Would you like to have a martini with me?” The Bishop said, “Yes, that would be nice.” The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, “Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?”

Silly Joke #3

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, “This is the worst book I’ve ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!” The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two factory workers, a guy and a blonde were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work.” said the man. “How do you think you will do that?” said the blonde. He proceeded to show her…by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? “I’m a light bulb!” answered the guy. “I really think you might need some time off. Why don’t you go home and take a few days for your mental health…” said the boss. So, the man immediately jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde suddenly began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? “Home. I can’t work in the dark!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Michigan Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”
Barney: “No sir. I ain’t got no money, but I do have me a 1928 Ford Car!”
Lawyer: “Well I’m sure you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”
Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”

Silly Joke #2

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says “What’s this?” She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.” He says, “Jeez…ohhh….I…” She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Silly Joke #3

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Bonus Silly Joke

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.” I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best present I ever got!” “That’s great,” said his uncle. “Have you learned how to play it then?” “Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!”

Silly Joke #2

John had just gotten back to work after taking a two-week vacation and was talking to one of his co-workers. “Did you know that the longest drum solo ever recorded was 10 hours and 26 minutes…?” said John. “Really? No, I didn’t know that. That’s a long time!” responded his co-worker. “Yeah, and it was performed by the child sitting behind me on my Delta flight 963 from Tokyo to LA!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says, “Give me all your money!” He replied, “Do you realize I am an high level member of congress?!” The robber said, “In that case, give me all my money!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you by telegram since we don’t get any cell signal out there, and let you know to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’” The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow.”

And just because I laughed so hard at this one, here’s one for some quick adult humor…

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by some chance, buy this cow in Illinois?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “Well, because, my wife is from Illinois.”

Silly Joke #2

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.” “No, it’s not that…” said the guy. “This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink the poison I just put in my drink!!!”

Silly Joke #3

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those quarter scales in the store that tells your fortune and weight. He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results while his wife rolls her eyes. “Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m 295 pounds, energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!” “Well,” his wife nodded, “at least it got your weight right…”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. “What’s this?” he asks.  “Cojones, senor,” the waiter replies. “What are cojones?” the man asks.  “Cojones,” the waiter explains, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.” At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller. “Senor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not lose every time.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students with him. As you can see, he says, the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?” The student responds quickly, “Well, I suppose I’d limp, too..”

Silly Joke #2

Little Johnny was asked what he wanted most for his birthday and he declared: “A baby sister.” “Daddy and I would like to give you a baby sister,” said her mom, “but there isn’t enough time before your birthday dear. Little Johnny looked sad and said, ”Well, why can’t you do like they do down at Daddy’s factory when they want something in a hurry and just put some more men on the job?

Silly Joke #3

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great! Some asshole’s got my pen!”

Bonus Silly Joke (3 quick ones!)

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

“Hey, did you know that statistics are now showing that people are choosing cremation over traditional burial more than ever before?” said the funeral director to his business partner. “Well, I guess then they are really starting to think outside the box!” responded his business partner.

“Someone broke into our garage last night and took a bunch of stuff Mom, including my limbo stick! Can you believe it?!” said Suzie to her mother. “Seriously? I mean how low can you go!” responded her mother.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (3 quick ones!)

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn’t talking to you!

A truck loaded with Vick’s Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

Silly Joke #2

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, ‘Didn’t you understand my joke?’
The guy replied, ‘Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.’

Silly Joke #3

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alain for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” The Fairy Godmother replied “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alain, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”. The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”. At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said “I wish you to transform Alain my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man”. Magically, Alain suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alain and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alain walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He then said, “Why, oh why Cinderella, did you have to neuter me!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 blond ones!)

A week after her marriage, a gorgeous blond paid a visit to her doctor.
“I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said the blond.” My husband’s testicles are turning blue.” “That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?” “Yes, I am,” she replied.” And what kind of jelly are you using with it?” “Grape.”

Jenny, a beautiful blond decided to finally check out a church for the first time. After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny’s voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. “Okay Simpson,” says the investigator, “you were near the scene, what happened?” “Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.” “He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long has he been with the company?” “About 20 years, sir” “20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.” “Sadly, it was, sir.”

Silly Joke #2

Patient 1: ‘Why did you run away from the operation table?’
Patient 2: ‘The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.’
Patient 1: ‘So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?’
Patient 2: ‘Because she was talking to the surgeon!’

Silly Joke #3

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, “What are you staring at dear?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Well, it must have fallen on your head then,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming and frantically swishing her hands through her hair.
The man says, “Hey hon, while you’re up, can you get me another beer?”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 for good measure!)

A literature teacher is explaining the power of poems and stories. “Have you ever read something that made you cry?” She said to her students. One of her students suddenly blurted out, “Yeah, when I saw the grade you gave me on my last paper!!!”

One day, Mom was cleaning junior’s room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, ” Well what should we do about this?” Dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think you should spank him.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny watched his mom rock her new baby son Joey in her arms for hours while Joey continued to scream on and off.
“Mommy, where did Joey come from?”
“Why, he came from heaven dear!” she responded lovingly.
“Well, I can see now why they threw him out!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Melanie, a 35-year old blond was asked by her young daughter to help her write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy. “Isn’t there a movie about that Mom that could help me write my report?” her daughter asked. Melanie knew there was, having seen it long ago, but couldn’t think of the name offhand.
Then suddenly after a long moment of silence she suddenly blurted out, “Oh, I remember now dear! It’s Finding Private Nemo!’”

Silly Joke #3

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it at all.” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Bonus Silly Joke (Two bonuses today because I couldn’t decide!!!)

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
“Trilingual”
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
“Bilingual”
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
“American”

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.””Wow!” said the one dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church …”  The twenty dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Patient: Doctor, I have a tendency to gain weight in certain places. What do you recommend?
Doctor: Well, I think you should stay out of those places!

Silly Joke #2

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. “Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, honey, it’s because you’re 25.”

Silly Joke #3

Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, “Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?” A few minutes later, Tony returned. “Well, is she all right?” asked the mother. “The good news is that she’s totally fine.” “What’s the bad news?” asked Tony’s mother. “Well, she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony. “At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?” Tony replied, “She told me to tell you it’s none of your business how old she is!”

Bonus Silly Joke

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, “What’s this?” “A horsy,” one child answers. “And this?” the teacher asks. “A piggy,” replies another youngster.” And now this one?” asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. “Come now, children,” she coaxes, “I’ll give you a little hint”. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? “I know! I know!!” says Little Johnny. “It’s a horny bastard!” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these strange cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Debbie a very quick examination, then turns to the mother and says, “C’mon Mrs. Jones, it’s obvious that Debbie is pregnant–about four months would be my guess!” The mother says angrily, “Pregnant?! There’s no way, my sweet innocent little girl, she has never been left alone with a man! Isn’t that right Debbie, tell him!” Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor suddenly walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother sounding very irritated said, “Well, are you just going to stand there and stare out the window in silence?!” The doctor said with a slight grin, “Well you seem Mrs. Jones, the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. So, I figured I wouldn’t want to miss such a thing right?!”

Silly Joke #2

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. “Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course you do Logan,” his mother insisted, “you know we always say a prayer before eating at our house to bless the food.” “That’s at our house Mom,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook, so I assumed we didn’t need to bless it.”

Silly Joke #3

A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…” The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes. The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult humor)

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes for him as well. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed with that. So, he thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and the answer seemed overly clear to him now which one he should marry, so he chose the one with the largest breasts.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Bill: Say, where’d ya get that nice gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race!
Bill: Oh yeah? How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

Silly Joke #2

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: ‘Rest in Peace.’ The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: ‘Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: ‘Congratulations on your new location!”

Silly Joke #3

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. “I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God’s work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.” When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, “I dare you to do it again.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?” “He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!” “That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.” “How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?” “Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, “Oops, gotta run!”

Silly Joke #2

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife… she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.” Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over… women like that are hard to find.”

Silly Joke #3

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?” He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own … so does she.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” “What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?” “Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that. But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower in the men’s locker room and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and found himself completely naked in the halls of the world’s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him. So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. “This must be my lucky day,” he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office where he had some spare clothes.  Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner and heard his General’s voice. There was no way he’d make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and suddenly found himself in the laboratory for research & development where the lead scientist there paused from working on one of her experiments with puzzled interest at the naked man in front of her. The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted. “I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device,” he said.  “I see,” the Head Scientist said. “But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly.”

Silly Joke #2

A very heavy snowstorm had closed all the schools in town for a few days. When the children of St. Mary’s Elementary returned to their school a few days later, one of the nuns asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively by talking to God more. “I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied. “I prayed several times everyday for a lot more snow!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Morris asks his 13-year-old son Michael one day if he knows anything about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” said Michael and suddenly burst into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. “Oh dad,” Michael sobbed, “at age six you gave me the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven it was the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! The last five years have been pretty good so if you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, is there anything really left to live for?!”

Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults Only)

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “God, he was really good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.” To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”

Silly Joke #2

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on. One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!” After gathering as much information as possible, he approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “The elderly lady over there says you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Is that true?” In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinate.” The teacher says, “No Brian, the proper use there is the word, ‘fascinating.’” Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinate.” The teacher says, “No Jennifer, the proper use there is the word, fascinated.’” So then Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest’s so big she could only fasten eight!”

Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults Only)

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Little Johnny what is your problem?” Little Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal’s office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher she would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of her questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. 

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” 
Little Johnny: “9!”. 

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” 
Little Johnny: “36!”. 

And so it went with every question the principal knew a third-grade should know. Little Johnny didn’t get a single one wrong. So, the principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “May I ask him some questions as well before we make the official decision?” The principal agreed.

The teacher then asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Little Johnny, after a moment, “Legs!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal felt a little shocked why she would ask such a question!
Little Johnny replied, “Pockets!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Little Johnny: “Pants!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?
The Principal starts to object to the question, but Johnny quickly answered.
Little Johnny: “Coconut!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
The principal was looking very stunned now.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal’s mouth suddenly drops open.
Little Johnny: “Bubblegum!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

At this point, the Principal was looking noticeably upset.

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do sometimes on three legs?
Little Johnny: “Shake hands!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?” Little Johnny nodded his head.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
The Principal looks visibly shaken now.
Little Johnny: “A Tent!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal closed her eyes and placed her hands over her face.
Little Johnny: “A Wedding Ring!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: “A Nose!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: “An Arrow!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.

The Principal at this point was really hoping this nightmare of questions would end.

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and brings about a lot of excitement with all the noise it causes?
Little Johnny: “A Firetruck!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher. “Great job Johnny! That’s all I have to ask. I guess you really should be in the 3rd grade!”

The principal then breathed a huge sigh of relief that the questions were finally over. She quickly ushered Little Johnny to the outer office and then closed her door. Talking to the teacher, “I think it’s best we put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade actually, as I couldn’t even answer the last ten questions correctly. But, off the record, it’s pretty apparent by the answers I had to all the ones I got wrong that I’m either a sex addict, have a really dirty mind, not being fulfilled enough by my partner, or all of the above!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A mother was preparing chocolate chip pancakes for her two twin five year old sons, Noah, and Jacob. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'” Noah turned to his brother and said, “Jacob, it’s ok if you want to be Jesus!”

Silly Joke #2

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’ 

Silly Joke #3

A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he’s so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub still in his hospital gown. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth. As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, “I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got.” The barman gasps in alarm, “Oh my, what have you got?!” To which the hospital patient replies, “I’ve got no money.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t actually have that, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Peace, love, light and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place. They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!” Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Silly Joke #2

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead but didn’t know it. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get to setting one!”

Silly Joke #3

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will. ‘To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,’ the attorney reads. ‘To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.’ ‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!’

Bonus Silly Joke

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. “Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked. “Not very likely,” his wife said. “It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!” “No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.” The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. “They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, ‘Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?’ The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, ‘Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.’ So the farmer says, ‘Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.’ The trooper says, ‘Oh,’ and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, ‘Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?’ The farmer says, ‘Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.’ The trooper says, ‘Well, that’s a good thing,’ and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, ‘Hard to fool them flies though…’

Silly Joke #2

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. “Didn’t you say, ‘I’m fine’, at the scene of the accident?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for a long, drawn-out story,” the lawyer interrupted,”just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!” Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.” He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I decided it was best to shoot her. How are you feeling?'” “So, maybe now you can see why I said ‘I’m fine’ at that moment!” exasperated the farmer.

Silly Joke #3

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. “Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up and the phone was already ringing non-stop. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing and getting me more than a bit annoyed. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. You can imagine the stench of that mixed up perfume overload! Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her exactly that!”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 quick ones!)

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table over there and write ‘I will not run a red light ‘five hundred times’” and then I’ll dismiss your ticket.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and finally, the boy sobbed, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, and I really want to stay with you guys!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, “A round of drinks for me and my friends.” They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, “To 51 days!” and they drink. The “head blonde” asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, the blondes toast “To 51 days!” and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means. The head blonde says, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, “two to four years” and we finished it in 51 days”.

Silly Joke #2

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem!” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied, “The rest are for your father.”

Silly Joke #3

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman. The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!” The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.” “All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.” Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.” “I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.” “She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.” “In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.” “She devoured it in seconds.” “Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.” “While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.” “I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.” “I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.” The husband took a deep breath and continued… “She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…” “You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

Bonus Silly Joke (3 Quick Ones!)

My 5 year old: “Do trees poop?”
Me: “Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.”

I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, “see those two old drunks sitting there…that’s going to be us in ten years.” I looked and him and said, “that’s a mirror stupid!”

John: Did you know I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years? I found out she was a communist…
Mike: Say what???
John: Yeah, I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. “RUFUS!!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!” “CLARENCE!!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!” This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning the feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough. “Rufus!” she yells, one day. “I can’t take no more!! Every day for 20 years, you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, there’s the bridge…have at it!” Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!” He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up….TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!! “Rufus!” cried the misses. “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!” “I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered. “Rufus!” cried the misses. “What in tarnation is the matter?” “Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I went to the bridge…I stepped up on the bridge…walked halfway over the bridge…looked up…” “And?” she asked, breathless with suspense. “And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said, “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” He ain’t never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!”

Silly Joke #2

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. ‘So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?’ The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, ‘Ehhhh .. 22!’ The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ‘And can you tell us your height, please?’ The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, ‘Five foot two!’ This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. ‘And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?’ The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, ‘Mandy!’ The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, ‘Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?’ ‘Ohh that!’ replies the blonde, ‘That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”

Silly Joke #3

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame. “Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.” Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that long!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.” So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?” “Well, you did say to imagine you were out of town now didn’t you?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn’t going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have “Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!” “Why are you going to have that?” asked his friend. “Well”, said Thomas, “When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see…”Here lies the body of an honest lawyer” they will say “Oh…that’s Strange”.

Silly Joke #2

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Morman Church and I had to quit drinking.” “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.” 

Silly Joke #3

Sometimes women can be overly suspicious of their husbands like when Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged. “You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth!”  The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.  “What do you think you’re doing?!” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs!” said Eve.

Bonus Silly Joke (4 quick ones)

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it…He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in!

You know, it seems like one minute you’re young and fun…and the next minute you’re turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better!

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. Thats it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine — because I got her an Xbox.

Silence is golden…
Unless you have children…
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny was in the store with his Dad when he suddenly walks by the section that has all the condoms for sale. “Dad, what are condoms used for?” Little Johnny asks innocently. “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one!” His father quickly responded.

Silly Joke #2

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, “Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?” All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation and I’d like the same doctor that did yours!”

Silly Joke #3

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. “Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike. Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.” “Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.” “Why, what’s in the paper?” “Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!” “Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?” “Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!” “All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?” “Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.” “Why? What’s that story on?” “Brad, just read the story on the bottom of the column already!” “OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!” The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues… Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where exactly are you calling me from right now?”

Bonus Silly Joke

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, “Good morning, ladies,” and the novices replied, “Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you.” But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, “I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, “I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, “It looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Mother Superior was floored. “Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me.” Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. “Oh dear, don’t take it personally. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers..”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny was back in school. The teacher was asking everyone what they did over the summer. When it came to Little Johnny’s turn, he said, “On my family trip this summer, we visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.” The teacher asked, “Good Johnny! Now, can you tell the class how you spell that?” Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

Silly Joke #2

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read “Best Deals”. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading “Lowest Prices”.  The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read… “Main Entrance”.

Silly Joke #3

One day a man called the church office and said, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?” The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, “I’m sorry, who? The caller repeated, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?” She said, “Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as ‘Pastor,’ or ‘Brother,’ but I prefer that you not refer to him as the ‘head hog at the trough’!” To this, the man replied, “Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . .” To this, the secretary quickly responded, “Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!”

Bonus Silly Joke

There was a blonde who had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop. The blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety….so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the stirrup! She was now at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious…. the manager of Walmart walked out and turned the horse off!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVERYONE!!!

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”

Silly Joke #2

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a nature history lesson. “Worker ants,” she told them, “can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?” One child was ready with the answer, “They don’t have a union?”

Silly Joke #3

While carpenters were working outside the ornate house an elderly woman had just bought, she busied herself with some indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, she looked at his muddy boots and then to her newly-scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” she said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down some newspapers for you ok?” “Look lady,” he responded. “I’m already potty trained!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Four Quick One-Liners!)

Q: You know what really makes me smile?
A: Facial muscles!!!

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.

Q: What is a committee?
A: A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ”I can’t find a cause for your complaint Bob. Frankly, I think it might be due to drinking.” ”In that case,” said Bob, ”I’ll come back when you’re sober!!!'”

Silly Joke #2

Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth. “It looks real enough to talk,” says one. “Lets try,” says the other and turning to the statue he asks it its name. No answer. “How old are you?” No answer. Finally. one shouts out, “What is the square root of 64?” Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts its hand on its chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, “Eight.” “Of course!!!!” says the scientist, “… It only stands to reason!”

Silly Joke #3

A Cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night in the Old West. He recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’‘ Will that make me a better gunslinger?’ asked the young man. ‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow-tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot.. ‘Got any more tips for me?’ ‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw’ ‘Will that make me a better gunslinger?’ asked the young man. ‘You bet it will, ‘ said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot the cufflink right off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m definitely learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’ The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’The young man quickly went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all! ‘Wait, how is doing this going to help me become a better gunslinger?’ asked the young man. ‘It won’t.’ said the old-timer, ‘But when the piano player finishes playin’, I’m pretty sure he’s gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much!”

Bonus Silly Joke

“In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?” a guy asks. The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy (clearly offended) says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?! Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?! Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?! Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?! Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”! The clerk says, “Well, no, I probably wouldn’t!” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish after asking where I can find the Polish sausage?!” The clerk replied, “Well sir, it’s because you’re in Home Depot.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Silly Joke #2

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. So, she undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. “Darn it woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?!”

Silly Joke #3

A blond went to a casino for the first time in her life and noticed a sign that said: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.” Shortly after that she began playing blackjack and quickly dialed the number. When they answered she asked, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

Bonus Silly Jokes!

John: It’s my wife’s birthday today and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
Jerry: So what did you get her?
John: Well, she’ll be happy to know I got the hint because I got her a magazine rack!

Q: Why do Dasher and Dancer enjoy coffee so much?
A: Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!

On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the man at the end of the row, “Sir, did I step on your foot a few minutes ago when I left to go get some food?” Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did!” Sandra nodded, “Oh, good. Then this is definitely my row then!” as she passed by him and sat down.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.  ‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. ‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. ‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up’, said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’ ‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’ 

Silly Joke #2

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask “Why do we have to learn this stuff?!” “To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So, how does physics save lives?!” he persisted. “It keeps the idiots out of medical school!” replied the professor.

Silly Joke #3

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!” The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A mother and her 5-year old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?” The mother couldn’t think of an easy answer decided to pass it off onto someone else and told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was extremely busy at the time, politely smiled and said, “Did your Mom tell you to ask me?” The boy said, “yes she did.” “Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time and then have your Mom explain that to you ok hon?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home. “Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother. “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

Silly Joke #2

A blonde, out for a walk, comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, “You ARE on the other side silly!”

Silly Joke #3

Johnny: When my parents got divorced when I was a kid, it was kind of cool!

Adam: How can parents getting divorced be cool, especially as a kid?

Johnny: Well, we got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We we all excited for her. My dad only got some luggage though. But at least he got a prize right?

Bonus Silly Joke

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t stop. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase. The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”  That didn’t work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”  Still no success. Then he said, “Look. Let’s both get on top and try.” At that point the parrot quickly pulled away the towel with his beak and said, “Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An angry wife calling her husband on the phone: “Where the hell are you?!”

Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and now blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband: “Well, I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

Silly Joke #2

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?”

He replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise…'”

Silly Joke #3

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be another 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared again. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. A few days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee when the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” That’s when the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He suddenly turned to Joan, “Crap, what am I going to do now, Joan?!” Joan replied, “Well, Joe, you could just leave the car in the darned garage today!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (*sigh*). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again (…???…) On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty that the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.” So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A guy goes to an interview for a government job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?” The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.” “Good,” says the interviewer, “that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?” The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled… but it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.” “Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we’ll get you started.” The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”  “Well, here in the government offices, we don’t do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point you coming in for that.”

Silly Joke #2

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.” “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board.” “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.” “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!” “Speaking,” said the farmer.

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.” Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn’t do my homework last night.”

Bonus Silly Joke

The whole neighborhood knew it was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to them. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ “The breakfast was my idea.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson