Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

COVID-19 is like nothing I’ve ever battled before within me. No matter how healthy my normal day-to-day living was prior to getting it, didn’t seem to matter once I got it. While many have contracted COVID-19 by this point, I’m envious of the ones who were lucky enough to be asymptomatic or with minimum symptoms. Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them, as it was exceptionally hard upon my system. In light of that, I decided I wanted to share my story and battle with COVID-19 with all of you.

Look, I’ve had the flu before, a number of times in my life for that matter, and if there’s one thing I know with the flu that I can do is flush it out of me pretty rapidly. Anytime I’ve gotten the flu I simply drink tons and tons of water and usually within a few days I’m free of it. But, COVID-19 isn’t the flu even though many try to claim it’s just a really bad case of it. In fact, I wouldn’t even put it in the same category as the flu after going through this. Because no matter how much water I consumed, no matter how many healthy foods I ate, no matter how many hours of sleep I got, and no matter how much light household exercise I did, the virus kept its terrible grip upon me day after day after day after day for a long period of time.

My battle with it actually began on January 2^nd, 2021 in the late afternoon. For what started out as only some teeth pain, a light headache and a low-grade fever, quickly spiraled out of control into total debilitation of me lying in bed for almost 4 straight days with pounding pain and pressure in my skull, no appetite, non-stop low-grade fevers, coughing with phlegm, aches and soreness around my body, loss of smell and taste, and reduction in my ability to breathe deeply from my lungs.

My first bout of relief with this virus came towards the end of my fourth day of it when my fever broke. Given my knowledge of viruses prior, I assumed things would immediately improve from there on out. But remember, this isn’t a normal virus, it’s not a normal flu, and it’s a pandemic for a reason. Because one main characteristic of this virus is how it keeps coming back again and again and again, each time you think it’s over. I lost track of the number of times my fever broke and then would go right back up again. Beyond the sheer frustration of that, COVID-19 does affect everyone differently in regards to overall symptoms. The following is a detailed list of what I experienced:

1. My teeth hurt a lot in the first week, like I had braces again.
2. I developed several sties, especially in my left eye that swelled the entire upper and lower eyelid areas.
3. Bowel movements were minimal and high yellow in color when they did occur, fluctuating from painful to pass, to diarrhea-based.
4. While my body was feverish, parts of it like my hands, feet and nose remained ice-cold.
5. When I wasn’t feverish, I’d still break out in these cold sweats spontaneously.
6. I had head pain that ranged from what might feel like if you are in caffeine withdrawal, to a stabbing migraine where you can’t even move your head.
7. I felt tons of pressure in my forehead through it all and had all the symptoms of a head cold.
8. I had to urinate frequently throughout the day and night, sometimes even when I hadn’t consumed any liquids for a good while.
9. Even though my taste and smell were severely impaired, I occasionally would still smell something rancid in my nostrils and taste something metallic on my tongue.
10. Coughing was a huge frustration with massive quantities of phlegm being brought up each time I hacked away, always starting with this tickle in the back of my throat.
11. I always felt like I was stuffed up, but blowing my nose generally did nothing but bring out some flecks of blood and a little mucus.
12. I developed a severely itchy and painful fever rash that broke out on my chest and back and looked almost as if I had a case of the chicken pox.
13. My breathing felt restricted quite a bit, especially when taking deep breath, often causing tingling sensations in my hands and feet as if they weren’t getting enough oxygen to them.
14. I had no energy and no matter how many hours I slept, I remained feeling that way, leaving me with this hopelessness feeling overall.
15. I had chills even when I wasn’t feverish and always felt cold overall.

I do want to mention a few generalities I experienced in my battle with COVID as well. Nights were worse than days. All of my fever and symptom spikes came late at night usually. My mood fluctuated rapidly from sedate to angry. I questioned my sanity more than not given how long it lasted. My hypochondria became extreme because of how much it affected me and ultimately, I really longed for my deceased mother to be back alive solely to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok.

In the end, I came to learn the hard way that COVID-19 is not just a bad case of the flu. It’s not something to joke about. And it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly. I was one of those who initially believed life should just go back to normal and to let the virus run its course on our planet. How naïve and ignorant I was. Thankfully, I’m not anymore after experiencing this virus firsthand. I sincerely hope you don’t have to go through what I did to learn this though, especially being that it’s now 17 days into my battle with COVID and I’m still dealing with frustrating symptoms from it.

Nevertheless, if you are someone who has survived this virus after having a difficult case of it, then you probably have the one thing now that I gained from enduring it, and that’s compassion for those still suffering from it. I pray for everyone who’s dealt with COVID or still dealing with it, including the many losses of life it has caused. May God be with us all.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I can’t believe I’m finally going to admit this publicly to both myself and the world, but I realized the other day I’m still desperately trying to please my Mom and the worst part about that…she’s been dead for over 15 years now.

Growing up, I so wanted to make my mother proud, yet for some reason, I always felt like I fell far short of that in her eyes. Much of that I learned long after her death was due to her alcoholism and own mental health issues. But, this isn’t really about her, it’s about me, and the fact that lately, I’ve felt like a failure in life, all because I’ve carried the weight of what success always looked like in her eyes not my own.

I fully forgave my mother long ago for all the pain and hardship I went through in an alcoholic home and I don’t carry any anger towards her anymore. What’s left over though is the constant pressure I place on myself that I feel like should be something more than I am presently.

Having graduated Manga Cum Laude at Rochester Institute of Technology with a Bachelor’s Degree in Information Systems and having spent well over a decade using that degree to work in a number of high-profile, high-paying jobs was honestly, more about making her happy than myself. I really couldn’t stand that corporate computing life I lived in. When I took my first step away from it into the unknown by following a former partner’s dream of owning a bed and breakfast, my mother got so upset with me. She felt like it was a grave mistake to give up on all that business and financial success I had achieved. I can’t imagine what she would have said to me when that business venture went belly up four years after her death. But again, this isn’t about her, it’s about me and the thought that since that business ventured failed, the biggest claim to fame my brain regularly reminds me of is nothing more than remaining sober, helping people in recovery communities, and publishing and speaking my thoughts about it all in this blog and at various speaking engagements.

My therapist, my sponsor, my partner, and a few close friends would say I have a lot to be proud of with that. Yet, for some reason, 25 years of sobriety from alcohol and drugs, volunteering my time without any income for years now, writing in a blog I pay quite a bit to keep going, and struggling to garner much interest in any of my fiction or non-fiction writing has left me feeling like a complete disappointment to her. Putting myself down like this, feeling like a failure, and not being able to clearly see how amazing some of those achievements actually are, is all due to the weight of still carrying my mother’s pressure to be something more.

The worst part about this?

I’ve now migrated that pressure of being something more onto the God of my understanding, thinking that God also wants me to overachieve. So, when I screw up or when I don’t make a huge leap in achievements on a regular basis, I feel like I’m letting down now both my mother and God.

Yes, this is a terrible way to exist!

Somewhere within me though, deep within me, is a love that does exist that says I am a success. I see it from time to time when I do an hour lead somewhere in the recovery community. When it happens, I feel this incredible surge of energy from within that invigorates me and tells me “I am something” instead of “I’m nobody and nothing.” I just wish I could tap into that on a regular basis! Nevertheless, I tend to believe my mother and God are probably totally proud of me these days and that it’s only the faulty programming left behind within me from my upbringing that needs to be removed to see that for myself.

To begin that process, I’m declaring to all of you right now that I am something and so are all of you for that matter, even when our brains try to tell us otherwise. And, I believe we all are successes in our own ways too, so long as we don’t try to compare each of our individual successes to each other’s.

I’m a success because I am still sober 25+ years later from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, each of which almost killed me long ago. I’m a success for having remained long sober from a number of other toxic addictions that once wrecked my life as well. I’m a success for learning how to write both fiction and non-fiction quite well. I’m a success for learning how to speak publicly and motivationally about this crazy life I’ve lived. I’m a success for the number of people I’ve helped over the years find their own path to healing from addictions and more. And I’m a success because even in the midst of the darkness I continue to face over chronic physical pain, I’m still breathing, still taking life one day a time, still spiritually growing, which is a miracle in itself.

Yes, I’m a miracle Mom, even if I don’t have a job, even if I’m not a published writer, even if I’m not out there saving the world, I’m still a great person and a total success and I’m no longer going to tell myself anything otherwise. Because it’s time to finally move on and declare myself a winner no matter what, something I tried so hard for you to see but never found much success in. I don’t need to have you see that anymore though, because I am a winner and a success. It just may look differently than what you wanted to see for me and that’s ok. Regardless, I love you Mom, and I strive forward now with hope for a much healthier, brighter, and happier future knowing I’m success right now, just as I am.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

COVID-19 has drastically changed all of our lives, that’s for sure. It is said that a person dies from this virus every 107 seconds now, at least in the United States. Taken globally, that statistic becomes alarmingly much higher. I feel incredible sadness over each of those losses, wondering why the Higher Power I have, whom I choose to refer to as God, has allowed such a pandemic to continue to ravage our planet.

I often wonder why God allows any terrible thing like this to occur. So many tragedies in life, each always making me question the benevolence of my Higher Power. Pondering things like this tends to make me question why I keep placing my faith in a Supreme Being. With each painful thing I personally have had to go through, I’ve consistently questioned why God would allow such pain and suffering if He or She was supposedly to be so unconditionally loving. I’ve never conclusively arrived at some epiphany surrounding this, and if anything, my doubt has only led to more questions and an imbalanced faith.

Regardless, every painful thing I’ve gone through in life has most definitely helped me to have far greater compassion for others going through something similar. Interestingly enough, compassion is a trait an addict never has much of when active in any addiction. Thankfully, being clean and sober and on the recovery path now, I’ve developed a far more compassionate heart, something I truly once was so very devoid of. It’s definitely why I have compassion for any of those who have died from COVID-19, for all their loved ones who have been left behind, and for anyone else who has been affected gravely in some other way because of this virus.

This pandemic’s tragic effects have been far-reaching even beyond its alarming death rate. It’s caused massive unemployment, increased addiction, estranged relationships, financial woes, domestic abuse, mental and emotional health issues, and more. I read recently that 1 in every 3 people are going to suffer from PTSD by the time a vaccine rolls out or by the time the virus has fully run its course. I just pray that God will help me remain open, non-judgmental, and compassionate for anyone who may experience any pain and suffering from this pandemic.

Maybe this is precisely why God allows things like this to happen on our planet, as human beings tend to sway towards a life of selfishness and self-centeredness, that is until something major hits them to help them to see otherwise. Maybe it’s things like this pandemic that God doesn’t prevent or stop, solely to help us move into a life of greater selflessness, compassion, and unconditional love?

Ultimately, I don’t know if there’s any truth to that of course, but maybe indeed, pain and suffering, like from this pandemic, is simply meant to help us learn to love our neighbor more, to be there more for each other, than just for ourselves. If by any chance that is true, that God hasn’t stopped this pandemic because it’s meant to help us love our neighbors more, I fear we may be failing on this quest, as I continue to see people more concerned about their own state of being, than anyone else’s, which makes me sad.

Nevertheless, I know the best I can do is just to keep loving without judgment and with compassion and to at least remind people of one thing I learned in my life long ago that I know to be true. Pain is indeed the touchstone of all spiritual growth and while this pandemic is most certainly painful on plenty of levels, it can help us all move into a Higher state of being if we let it. All we need to do is simply open our hearts a little more towards each other, because once we do, it’s quite possible we’ll not only conquer this virus, we’ll begin experiencing far more peace within ourselves as well.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson