Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

You know that guy named Paul who wrote a number of the chapters of the New Testament in the Bible? I’ve kind of been quite envious of him, especially in the past five years or so, and I want to explain why.

But first for those who don’t know Paul’s Biblical story, Paul was originally known as Saul. For years, it was said that Saul persecuted anyone who followed the teachings of Christ, sending many innocent souls to prison and even to their death. Then one day, on the road to this place named Damascus, he’s suddenly blinded by a piercing light at which point a profound voice comes out of nowhere and asks why Saul continues to persecute Him. Saul drops to his knees and asks who the voice is. The voice responds and says “I am Jesus, the one you continue to persecute.” Saul’s friends hear the voice as well and are speechless. Saul, on the other hand, asks what Jesus wants, who responds by telling him to go into the city of Damascus where he will receive further guidance. For the next three days, Paul remains without sight and chooses to not eat or drink because of it. Meanwhile in Damascus, one of Jesus’s followers, this guy named Ananias, is also approached by Christ, except this time it’s through some type of a dream or vision during which Ananias gets instructed to go to the house of a man named Judas, where Saul will be waiting and praying, and once there, he’s to lay his hands upon Saul.

When Saul eventually arrives in Damascus, he’s led to the home of Judas. Upon arrival, he too receives some type of dream or vision that shows Ananias coming to lay hands on him to restore his sight. When Ananias finally arrives at Judas’s home, he lays his hands upon Saul as instructed, and immediately something akin to scales fall from Saul’s eyes, restoring Saul’s vision. Saul is then baptized, takes on the name Paul, and from there goes on to spread the love of Christ to everyone he can for the rest of his life until his death, enduring great hardships, persecution, and some “thorn in his side” that’s never revealed what it is, along the way. But, through all of it, he constantly speaks of how much joy he has and how blessed he is, even in the midst all his pain and suffering, and even just before his life comes to an end through what many speculate to have been a beheading.

So, in a nutshell, Paul was once a terrible person doing terrible things to countless blameless individuals, who suddenly gets blessed, gets healed, and spends the rest of his life constantly feeling the awesome presence of God within him as he endures great pain and hardship from those he once worked alongside, until the day he dies.

So, why all the enviousness of this Biblical figure? Well, for several decades, I too did terrible things to countless blameless individuals too. And then in 2010, all that changed when I began to feel “blinded” through one health issue after another being piled upon me, none of which were to depart as each year passed into another. I still felt the presence of God though enough to keep going and enough to keep spreading joy in the midst of my pain. But then one day in early 2015, I no longer felt that presence, and it wasn’t because of anything I did either. Other than a few scarce days ever since, I haven’t felt the presence of anything Greater than me and instead been left with feelings of sorrow and despair on most days. Feelings that have left me feeling totally “blinded” from the presence of God. I have begged and pleaded God to remove my “blindness” year after year, to no avail. In the process, I’ve often thought of Paul and become envious. Envious that Paul hurt so many individuals in his life, yet only experienced a few days of “blindness” before it got restored. Restored to a level where he remained in touch with the incredible Grace of God, even as he experienced such pain and persecution up until the day he died.

So, what do I long for? I long to wake up and no longer feel “blinded”, “blinded” from feeling the presence of God’s joy, because I know it’s there, although I’ve been unable to feel it no matter what I do. All of which has left me with great envy at times of someone from long ago, a figure from the Bible, who, even in the midst of great pain, hardship, and persecution, still felt joy, joy from no longer being blinded from feeling God’s ultimate unconditional love, something I’ve come to accept over time will only come from God himself. So, I wait for that with hope, and continue to pray for my own Saul to Paul conversion…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Why is it that when we are going through great pain and suffering and choose to confide that in someone, that they often feel the need to give advice, provide guidance, and offer suggestions, instead of just listening?

Having gone through intense bouts of pain and suffering for years now, I’ve been on the receiving end of countless pieces of unsolicited advice, guidance, and suggestions. Regrettably, up until recently, I did the same with most who confided their trials and tribulations with me, always believing I was doing the right thing, that is until I realized not too long ago, due to how long I’ve personally been in pain and suffering, that people who share their sorrows and burdens in life with another are really only looking for one thing, an ear to listen. Yet, for whatever the reason, many of them tend to do the exact opposite of listening. The following is a top 10 list of the things that I, and plenty of others have experienced when sharing our pain and suffering with another, each of which has often made it worse for us than better…

1. Telling the sufferer that there are people out there going through greater pain and suffering than we are.
2. Telling the sufferer that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional (especially when they aren’t suffering in the same way, not suffering at all at the present time, or never suffered in the way we have).
3. Telling the sufferer that some doctor, practitioner, healing modality, medicine, guru, guide, healer, class, book, etc. will help (especially when they don’t even know all that we’ve tried already). This often comes via a sentence that starts out with “Have you tried…”
4. Telling the sufferer that maybe they’ve wronged God somehow and this is some sort of punishment, or that they haven’t done enough spiritual work yet to heal it, or haven’t prayed hard enough, or that their sin is preventing themselves from getting through it, or that their faith/beliefs need to be stronger.
5. Telling the sufferer that it’s all in their mind and they just need more will power to overcome it.
6. Telling the sufferer random clichés like “Everything happens for a reason!”, “Everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end!”, or “Acceptance is the answer to all our problems today…”
7. Telling the sufferer that things will be much better if they just get out and help another suffering individual (especially when the person may already be doing that or has limitations that prevent them from doing that).
8. Telling the sufferer that maybe it’s their karma to work out and they just need to see it through.
9. Telling the sufferer that they just need to not talk about it, get over it, and pretend it’s not there.
10. Telling the sufferer, “You just have to keep the faith…”, that God has a reason and a plan for our pain and suffering that’s beyond our understanding, and that the other side of this will be better than anything we could ever imagine (especially when not knowing the person’s spiritual background, level of faith, or belief system).

I’m sure there is plenty more I could list here that have been quite challenging for each of us who’ve been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, guidance, and suggestions after sharing our pain and suffering with another. The fact is, what we truly need the most is just a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand us, as healing often begins to happen the moment we feel heard.

So, please remember this the next time someone opens their heart and shares a little of the pain and suffering their going through with you.

JUST LISTEN.

And…if you do anything else, show a token of affection such as a hug, an arm around them, or holding their hand. While this may feel uncomfortable to you, know it’s only your ego that really is feeling that way. Because offering your own guidance, advice, or suggestions to any of what they share with you, especially when unsolicited, is more to feed your own ego than to help ease any of the pain and suffering they are going through…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I never thought 2020 was going to be the year it’s become thus far for all of us. Personally, when I began it, I had high hopes. My health seemed to be finally improving compared to previous years. My overall mood was vastly better on a day to day basis. I felt as if I was on the verge of ultimately achieving that which I set out to do a decade ago, that being to heal from within from a large amount of toxicity and spiritual imbalance. And then came COVID-19 and our socially distanced life.

At first, I maintained an air of positivity surrounding it all. I kept my volunteer work going, doing my best to keep up my part in helping others, even as all the uncertainty grew. But after things began totally shutting down, and the fear rapidly increasing, I started struggling with greater negativity brewing within me, especially after I no longer could attend recovery meetings in person and do my 12 Step volunteer commitments.

Somewhere along the way through all of that, my pain levels then started going up exponentially as well, leaving me in a mental state that I haven’t seen for years. What’s difficult for me now is all the unknowingness surrounding how long this is going to last. How long will we be avoiding being close to each other? How long will people not give hugs to each other? How long will we socially distance ourselves and our lives from each other?

Honestly, it feels as if I’ve spent most of my life being socially distanced from others already. My childhood was filled with vast numbers of people who kept their social distance from me because I wasn’t cool to them. Most of my early adulthood was socially distant from others as well, because I allowed my addictions to push everyone away from getting close to me. But, when I finally found 12 Step recovery, I did a lot of work to erase my socially distant life. I learned how to get out of myself and help others, to connect to other’s hearts, to offer hugs for comfort, and compassion through touch and speech. COVID-19 has changed all that now and left me feeling what I felt for the majority of my life all over again, that being socially distant from the world, something that had mostly gone away since living a very active 12 Step recovery life. That’s why I’m feeling so lost right now and lonely as heck, even with me being in a committed relationship.

The fact is, getting out of myself for the past eight years and helping one suffering human being after another in person has been the best thing that could ever happen to me. Not only did it change my overall perception of the world, it also changed my overall perception of myself, from one of negativity to one of positivity. But now, with the possibility of this virus having long-lasting socially distant ramifications for years to come, it feels as if much of that has reversed itself within me. I regularly wonder now when life will return to the normalcy I built for myself over the past bunch of years in my 12 Step recovery and I question my sanity quite a bit these days, sometimes even sadly wishing I could leave this COVID-19 world behind, than remain a part of it. While chronic physical pain alone has had a way of doing that already to me over the last decade, I’ve fought hard to overcome it by getting out of myself and growing close to others and their hearts in the process.

Although I continue my daily prayers and meditations, and keep up what 12 Step recovery work I can still do, I’m struggling with great difficulty with a COVID-19 socially distanced life and simply wanted to get honest about that with the rest of the world through my writing today.

The bottom line, well, I REALLY just miss being close to others. I REALLY miss being hugged and giving hugs. And I REALLY miss living in the world where I finally learned how to connect with others in a way where I didn’t feel so dam alone like I do so greatly now in this COVID-19 reality…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson