Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

Today’s entry is a very personal one for me and it’s something I feel very compelled to write about given how much it’s been surfacing as of late. It’s about trusting in my body’s ability to heal itself. In other words, it’s about trusting in a part of me that I’ve never, ever, been good with for most of my life.

That all began when I was a kid. Take for example whenever I got something as simple as a cough. When I did, I’d always quickly be administered some type of medicine by my mother to handle it. The same would hold true for any other type of ailment that ever came up, as there was always some external analgesic she had to deal with it. But when all those over-the-counter remedies were exhausted and whatever the symptoms I was dealing with didn’t get better, I’d swiftly be taken to the doctors where I’d be given some type of prescription, most often being penicillin. In fact, my younger years were usually filled with all sorts of medicines to deal with various things that were perceived wrong with my mind and body. Never did I go through any pain or ailment by just trusting that my body could or would fix them on its own.

As I grew older and graduated from college, this pattern grew worse, especially as my life got pretty complicated when I came out of the closet and then endured my father’s suicide. I initially tried the medicine route to deal with all of it, because that’s all I knew, but it really didn’t work out very well. I got more complications from most of the medicines I took versus any tangible benefits and my life seemed to filled within nothing but serious side effects from them all. That’s when I began a holistic path, where for more than a decade, I relied solely on homeopathic and herbal remedies, along with everything from chiropractors to acupuncturists. I definitely received benefit from this course of treatment during all those years, yet the fact was I was still completely reliant on everyone and everything else, except myself for my health and healing.

A few years ago though my prayers and meditations began to lead me away from all this external healing reliance. Instead, I started going through all my health issues without any outside help and it’s been extremely difficult ever since. This has been such a challenge for me because on some level, I believe that my hypochondria originated out of all this external reliance. As I said already, the programming I created in my life from a little boy to just a few years ago was that whenever I’d feel sick, there was someone or something out there that I needed to find to help fix me.

Thus trying to trust in my own body’s natural ability to heal itself at the ripe age of 43 has been the most daunting task I’ve ever had to face in life. Every single day my fear factor has been through the roof with all the aches, pains, bumps, bruises, cuts, blemishes, etc. that surface. I know this might seem hard to understand for the majority of people reading this. But maybe if you can picture your most incredible phobia in life for moment, you might grasp how this is for me.

How do you deal with your phobia when it’s suddenly in front of you? If it’s of spiders or mice say for example and you see one close by, do you scream and run away or smash them as quick as possible? If it’s of heights, do you avoid going up ladders or ascending tall structures or do you just never look down when you are way up high? In my case, the only way I’ve ever dealt with my phobia, of me not trusting my own body to fix its health issues when they arise, is to immediately run to those doctors, holistic practitioners, and take those prescriptions or herbs.

But now I’m not doing that anymore. Now I’m allowing all these pains and ailments to surface, most of which seem to be things I’ve already dealt with in life before, which most likely just got suppressed through any one of those external means. And as they surface I glare at them with a racing heart and am doing my best to sit through all that uncomfortability without running to anyone or anything to take it away.

This truly is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do in life and on most days, I feel like my mind is screaming at me and telling me I’m falling apart. In all honesty, it’s downright scary going through this for me because I continue to wonder at times if I’m going to land in a hospital or a psych ward by staying on this path.

All in all though, the bottom line is that I want to overcome this fear and I am doing everything I can to get there. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being dependent on doctors and practitioners and medicine and remedies to fix me. So I’m relying quite heavily lately on God and the Spirit within me to help me overcome this by living one day at a time and continuing to face the biggest fear I’ve ever had to face in life. And I remain faithful in God that in doing so I will conquer this fear once and for all and gain something I’ve never had before in life, that being some trust in a part of myself that got lost long ago…

Peace, love, light, and joy

Andrew Arthur Dawson

About a week ago on a warm and sunny Friday afternoon, I decided to do something I haven’t done in a good long time, I went to a well-known basilica and national shrine named Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio, and spent about an hour there praying. Doing so was definitely a stretch though.

As most people who read my blogs already know, I don’t consider myself a religious person, so spending time praying in a church was well out of my normal comfort zone. And doing that in a cathedral that wasn’t even the denomination I grew up with was all the more challenging. But the reason why I chose to overcome these slight intimidations was solely because I had heard through several friends that this place had been a source of healing for many. Originally I had intended to go there with one of my good friends who ironically is a priest, but I decided against it at the last minute because I felt I needed to come to God alone.

When I finally arrived there after the hour and a half drive, I walked into the huge hall and immediately noticed it was entirely empty except for one man sitting in the first pew silently praying and contemplating whatever it was he was going through. I chose to give him some space by sitting much farther back, in the 16^th row of pews actually (yes I’m anal retentive like that).

As I sat down, I tried to think about all the things I wanted to say in my prayers, but found it somewhat hard to begin. So I decided to look around at the surroundings instead such as the ornate artwork, stained glass, glowing candles, and gold-leaf fixtures. It was rather stunning that’s for sure.

I then indiscreetly observed this only other sole worshipper there. Again and again he’d raise his head and stare at the altar and then lower it into prayer. I wondered more than once what it was he was dealing with. Another man soon entered the huge hall and begin to water all the plants. Obviously he was an employee and each time he passed by the alter he would kneel and bow. All the while, I continued to struggle with what to say to God until I found myself staring up at the mural directly over the alter. There a beautifully painted Jesus was looking out over the many rows of pews and that’s when it hit me.

Tears.

Lots of them.

As I sat there and wept, I began to talk to God, to Jesus, and frankly to whomever there might be listening to me. And for the next hour I did exactly as that other man seemed to be doing. I’d pray, I’d cry, I’d raise my head and just stare at the beauty in front of me, and then lower it doing it all over again. Eventually this other man left and I remained alone there in that church for some time, which felt kind of odd, but then again, maybe it didn’t, as the journey to our Higher Power always seems to end up being on a road travelled alone.

Nevertheless, I eventually went up to the alter itself and kneeled on the floor before it, as painful as that was for a guy like me who’s hurting all the time as of late. And there I cried some more as I asked for guidance and healing. It was quite humbling for me to do all this, especially given how outspoken I used to be about people who I ever saw do things just like this. But my ego has definitely been shattered over the past few years and frankly I can see know why people reach the point of humbling themselves like this.

Regardless, when I was done bowing before the alter, I then went and took the only dollar I had left in my pocket and placed it in this slot before lighting one of those small candles nearby. I chose one all by itself because somehow I felt it was symbolical to how I’ve been feeling in my healing journey these days. I once again asked for guidance and healing and then headed downstairs into the basement where I then kneeled before a wooden sculpted Jesus who was laying in a small tomb.

There I saw prayer requests folded in His hands, feet, and in a basket nearby. I must say I truly felt tempted to read some of that, but felt somehow that would be a violation of other people’s trust so I didn’t. Instead I wrote two of my own. One for my sister, who’s struggling so great in her life as well and one for me. I then placed both of them in the basket and touched Jesus’s hands. A few more tears left my eyes as I asked him once again for help.

I know all this might sound silly, but ultimately, if you knew how much I used to be against things just like this, you’d might understand arriving at this point was not an easy thing. But as I said already, my ego got shattered some time ago due to all the pain and suffering I’ve gone through, and through of all it, somehow it brought me to that very point, kneeling beside a wooden Jesus, silently shedding a few stray tears.

I left a short while later once I was done praying before the resting Jesus and was surprised at how fast an hour had gone by. Some part of me really didn’t want to go though, as there I had felt safer then I had been for some time, like I had been slightly closer to God somehow. And as I began that hour and a half drive back home, I reflected on my journey to Our Lady of Consolation.

While I may not have received a burning bush experience or a spontaneous healing there, I did receive something else, some humility and a small slice of peace. And truth be told, I honestly do believe that God did hear my prayers that day and I do believe that God is in the process of answering them.

So while my ego might not have gotten it’s wish to leave there miraculously healed, I’m still glad I went. Because at least for an hour, I felt closer to my Higher Power and found an ever greater appreciation for places like this. I think I’ll go back again one day, but hopefully when I do, it will be because I’m offering my thanks and joy for my healing prayers having been answered…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I honestly don’t know if Heaven exists and I truly can’t say I know what’s beyond this life. But what I do know is that I often long to go home, wherever home is beyond this plane of existence. Why?

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired of watching the world destroy itself. I’m tired of seeing people backstab each other. I’m tired of all the judgments. I’m tired of seeing so many people I know implode and lose their lives at their own hands. And I’m tired of the lack of unconditional love from human beings.

Why has our world become so selfish? Why have so many fallen into the rut of taking care of and worrying about themselves first while placing everyone else second?

Wouldn’t this world be so much of a better place if we placed everyone else’s needs, wants, and desires ahead of our own?

I should talk. I placed my own first and foremost for years. I was brought into this world by a family who used their money for happiness and I eventually did the same. I even lived with seven figures at one point and thought it would buy my happiness here. It didn’t. And I was miserable.

But in the past four years I’ve been going through some type of transformation where I see the world so differently. Take last night at a meeting I was at for example. There I learned from a friend that his partner has been suffering immensely with some serious health issues and is afraid. My old self wouldn’t have cared and instead just been relieved it wasn’t something I was going through. But as I said goodbye to him when the meeting ended, I felt something different inside of me. I felt tears well up my eyes and a pang in my heart, and somehow connected to my friend’s pain. So if there is one thing that’s transformed within me these past few years it’s that. It’s me thinking more about others and feeling compassion for what they’re going through. I only wish others were the same, especially when it comes to how they deal with me.

Most have no understanding of how much pain I’ve been going through for so long now. And everyone always wants to understand exactly what it is I’m dealing with and then offer me their advice, thinking they have the answer. But all I have ever wanted through any of this is to receive a warm embrace, to have others cry with me, and to hear how I’m loved and that they will be praying for me. Sadly, I don’t get that. Instead, I watch as people avoid me. I catch wind of rumors about me and some even go as far as unfriending me on social media. I’m sure that’s mostly because people in general don’t know how to handle someone who’s in great pain, especially for long periods of time.

I usually tell others now if they truly want to understand, they should read Job in the Bible. It’s a simple story really, about a man who went through incredible suffering that was not of his own doing. And while he may have not been perfect, he owned that and did everything he could to still serve God. Yet he kept suffering from loss. Loss of family. Loss of health. Loss of financial ability. Loss of his mental state. Loss.

Job eventually curses the day he was born and then his three closest friends visit him, where each try to convince him his suffering is because he must be doing something wrong, especially in the eyes of God. That there must be some area of his life he needs to change. All this does is cause Job even greater pain. Eventually God speaks to all of them and immediately rebukes what Job’s friends have been saying to him. He also reminds Job that Job can’t see the greater picture for what he went through. And then God ends Job’s suffering by returning him to an even greater state of being than Job ever had before.

I know it’s just a story in the Bible and I have no proof if it’s even something that ever happened. Yet it still gives me hope and faith for all of what I’ve been going through and it helps me to cling to the belief that my pain and suffering will end one day soon. Regardless, the only thing I long for until that happens is to be surrounded with unconditional love. To have people embrace me and not offer their advice. To have them not try to figure me out or tell me they think they know what I need to do. That’s all I really want and that’s what I feel this world is missing so much of.

Maybe I see this as clearly as I do because of all of what I’ve gone through and continue to. Nevertheless, even in the midst of my suffering, I still find a way to offer my love and compassion to everyone else, because that is what the power of God gives me.

So while I may long to be home with God, wherever that is, I also live with hope for not only my own healing, but for the rest of the world. Hopefully one day we all will see things a lot more clearly, where we have the desire to place another’s suffering in front of our own, and where we live by unconditional love and nothing less…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson