Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

In just under a week, I have plans to be in Atlanta, Georgia for the 2015 International AA Convention with my recovery friend Kim from Falmouth, Massachusetts. While I am excited to see her and be a part of a recovery event that happens only once every five years, I’m actually feeling very fearful about the trip for two reasons, one that deals with my health and one that deals with the closest friend I’ve ever had. In either case, I’ve determined the only thing I can do for each is to keep turning them over to my Higher Power, which is God.

The first fear is about something that if you’ve been reading most of my blogs, you’re already going to know a lot about it. Having a mind and body that isn’t functioning at a comfortable level is difficult enough. But travelling by plane to a city and a convention where I will be around tens of thousands of people at any given time doesn’t seem all that alluring to me at the present moment. In fact, I’ve enjoyed spending most of my free time lately being by myself where I don’t have to entertain the constant frustrating comments from far too many people who really don’t understand what and how long I’ve been going through. Regardless, I know I’m doing my absolute best to stay in the healthiest state I can, but even so, my heath issues have made me think about cancelling this trip quite a bit actually in recent weeks. I haven’t though because I have no idea what God has in store for me nor do I have any idea how I will ultimately feel there. In fact, my whole healing process has been a constant rollercoaster, with plenty of ups and downs. But the fact remains that I’m doing everything I possibly can to heal and I know the rest remains in God’s hands. Ironically, I also have just as much concern over my other fear with going to this convention.

This other fear deals with someone I’ve written about before as well, but not for some time. It deals with the friend I originally planned this trip with. Eighteen years ago, we became friends because of AA and while we had plenty of ups and downs throughout all those years, many because of my character defects and sex and love addiction, we somehow always made it through, growing closer than ever. But my move last year to Toledo, away from where he still lives in Massachusetts, triggered something in him, prompting him to pull back from corresponding with me as often and then eventually cancelling his plans to spend the convention with me as well. During our last conversation, which was in late September, I became less and less understanding of the distance he was placing between us and of the actions he was taking, which prompted the decision for him to take some further time to think about things. The last thing he said before we hung up the phone was that he’d be in touch very soon and that we’d work through this like we always have. Nine months have now passed without any contact and my last correspondence to him through an amends letter in the mail was never responded to. While you may think the feelings I have inside about this friend may be of anger and resentment, let me clarify they’re not. What I hold within is sadness and a longing for a friend that understood me better than anyone ever has. The idea of still going to this convention and seeing him there with the friends he chose to be with instead, brings great sorrow within me. And even though I know the odds of running into him isn’t that high given the amount of people that are going to be there, my mind has still run rampant of what I’d say and do if I possibly did.

Both of these fears have reminded me of what someone once told me long ago. They said that whenever we face a choice in life, the one with the greatest fear is the one we’re meant to take, because it’s on that one that God has the greatest chance to demonstrate a miracle. For the past few months, I’ve continued to do just that, by staying with my plan to go to Atlanta for this upcoming AA convention. Sure, I could easily take my will back by cancelling the trip and playing it completely safe, but that’s an awful lot like how I’ve always done things. So I’ve decided that if my health is poor while there, I can always stay by the pool at the hotel and reach out to my partner for love and support. And as for my friend, if the powers may be align our paths while there, I plan to give him a hug and tell him I love him because I know that’s what God would want me to do. In the meantime, I’m going to continue praying about this upcoming trip for God’s will and for God to dispel both of these fears…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

If you’ve been reading any of my blog entries in recent months, I’ve had some serious struggles maintaining hope for a better life, solely due to all the health issues I’ve been enduring for what seems like an eternity now. But another interesting thing happened lately, similar to my story of the sparrow, that I really feel is connected somehow to all of what I’ve been going through and oddly enough this time it deals with a car accident.

It all started late one Thursday afternoon when I found myself feeling overly frustrated and full of despair, almost how I feel right now as I type this actually. I had decided it was best for me to get to a recovery meeting at that point, given how they usually seem to lift my spirits more than not. I immediately headed from home in my car towards the highway choosing to leave my radio off and refraining from making any phone calls, instead opting to have a deep conversation with God on the way. I tend to do this quite a bit in my vehicle, especially on days like then and today where I find myself questioning my existence and ability to maintain my faith and belief that God is healing me.

Soon I approached the interstate and saw cars backing down the on-ramp and others not moving at all on the highway itself, so I elected to take an alternative route to get to my meeting on time. That’s when I began to drive down some side roads, all the while asking God why I have been suffering so much and how come I can’t just have some direct communication to let me know I’m going to be ok. In other words, I was praying that God send me a strong sign of hope, one that I couldn’t refute.

WHAM!

My car suddenly jolted to the left slightly, completely startling me out of my prayer session. As I quickly looked over my right shoulder, I saw that a woman had tried to turn into my lane not knowing I had been directly next to her already. After stopping and making sure she was ok, we pulled to the side of the road and I proceeded to call the police. For the next 45 minutes, I sat and pondered why this even happened, especially given the timing of it all having been just after I had asked God for a sign.

But how could a car accident be a sign God???

As I asked myself this question over and over again, no answer came, only more frustration. And even when the police deemed the woman at fault for the accident, it didn’t bring me much relief, only because I was still deep in thought about whether this car accident was really an answer to my prayers in some strange way.

When the police finally said it ok for me to go, I headed home, as the recovery meeting was more than halfway over by that point in time. Over the next day I continued to think about the accident, still feeling like it was connected somehow to my prayer. After speaking to my partner, my AA sponsor, as well as my spiritual teacher about it, I started seeing a correlation.

What if the damage to my car was actually a metaphor to the damage I’ve continued to feel within me?

As I pursed that line of thinking, I was reminded from each of those I consulted about the accident that the damages to my car were repairable. That as long as I took the necessary steps with the insurance company and the body shop, that the rest was out of my control, but my car would get fixed. So if God truly was trying to show me a parallel through this to my health, then maybe all the damage I feel within me IS being fixed and that all I need to do is keep on doing what I’m already doing.

It is often said that God can communicate to us in strange ways, so maybe my car accident was another one of those? I’m choosing to believe it was, and that it was God’s odd way of getting my attention while praying late that Thursday afternoon in my vehicle. While the right side of my automobile’s body was pretty awful to look at after it was hit, the fact remains there is a team of people who are going to restore it to like new. So I’m doing my best to believe now there is also a team of people working on my own body, even as I type this feeling as much pain and despair as I do. And that just as my car will soon be fixed, so will I eventually too…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

It’s been a long while since I had an entirely great day, where my body wasn’t hurting, and where I felt truly happy to be alive. Living day to day with chronic pain has made it extremely difficult to remain positive, especially because I honestly can’t remember when that last day was from beginning to end where I felt amazing and blessed to be alive. But on a random day recently when I went to a local spiritual store, the owner of the shop listened to my ongoing sadness over my health and had some great advice for me, as she too has been battling her own forms of chronic pain. She suggested I start looking for those moments of happiness throughout the day and dwelling on them, rather than looking at how one more day passed mostly riddled with agony.

As I sat there and listened to her explain that sometimes she only finds moments here and there where she feels at peace, I completely understood. Living with chronic pain has made it extremely difficult for me to smile, to laugh, and to really feel a part of God’s world, no matter how beautiful something has been going on around me. I understood the owner of this shop even more when she said that sometimes the only serenity she finds for a complete 24 hours is when she is sitting in her backyard spending time alone observing nature or reading a book. She further explained to me that it’s helped her at day’s end to reflect back on those serene moments from the day, instead of getting upset at the fact that the overall day was mostly arduous.

Since visiting this woman’s shop that day, I have been practicing this very technique. It has helped me some, because there definitely are plenty of serene moments I have here and there during one whole day. Sometimes they come during a meditation, sometimes they come in my own backyard watching the birds, sometimes they come during an enjoyable meal, and sometimes they come in doing something so simple as just holding my partner’s hand.

But all in all, living with chronic pain and waiting for it to pass, has without a doubt been the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face in life. Thus, I’m very grateful to have met someone who gave me a new way of looking at my present situation, because life has been a little better since I began looking for those moments of happiness. So I think I’m going to keep on practicing this, because eventually in doing so, those moments will begin to expand more and more until I do have an entire day of peace and serenity once again…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson