Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

“Why Am I Here?” This thought has crossed my mind so many times in the last year of my life with all the pain and struggles I have had to face every single day. The life I once lived now seems like it was someone else’s or a very distant memory.

Ten years ago I was still employed by the U.S. Government, earning $82,000 per year. I was about to sell my house and make a $200,000 profit which would be invested fully into a new bed and breakfast venture with my then partner of several years. I was soon to be owning a home and a business on a small island off the coast of Virginia. And I felt like I had finally arrived to a life that I was always meant to be living in.

Since then I lost my mother, then that partner, then that business, then all that money, than my health, then most of my friends, and finally my ability to be employed. There are days like today that it takes every ounce of courage and determination to keep moving forward with faith that God will deliver me out of this state which I have referred to lately as Hell. Religion speaks often to a fire and brimstone place that one’s soul goes to when they die a sinner. On days like today when pain wreaks havoc in various areas of my body and when depression fills my vessel, it often feels like I’m in that fiery pit now.

In the Bible, there was the story of Job who was tested for his faith as he endured great losses all around him and within him. For anyone who’s read the story, Job was able to maintain his faith even as he lost more and more. But eventually he would cry out in the end and plea to God to take his life because the pain was so great and because he had no answers as to why he was suffering. God finally did speak to Job after his plea. The chapter in the Bible concludes with God restoring Job on every level with even more than what he originally had lost. Unfortunately, there is no proof that Job’s story is even real. Some biblical scholars say it’s true. Other’s have said it’s a parable to provide hope for those going through great suffering. For me, I have often thought of myself on some level as Job, like on days like today, when I have cried out in my own anguish and wished God would take me from this life.

The memory of me having all that money, all those friends, and all those possessions so many years ago obviously wasn’t supposed to be the journey that I was meant to be on. Where my journey is heading, I don’t know. What I do know is that I have endured great pain and suffering for almost three years now, the last year of which has been more than not, unbearable.

I don’t understand God nor His plan for me. To a few people that I know, comparisons have been made to the life I’m now living as somewhat of a monk. Quite often, it’s extremely difficult for me to be around a lot of people. I spend most of my days and evenings alone now because I find it very hard to explain to everyone what I feel inside when what they see on the outside doesn’t quite line up. To some I’m sure the feeling is that I have some area of unconfessed sin that is driving all of this. Job’s three friends even tried to convince him of this, except Job’s suffering was due to Satan trying to prove that Job would denounce God when all of what he had was taken away. Rest assured, I have confessed everything that I am aware of in my life that wasn’t done in love and light. I’ve made amends wherever possible. I’ve done everything that I know I can do from a health and healing standpoint. I’ve been prayed for, prayed over, and anointed with oil. And I have removed everything from my life that would drive me away from living a completely spiritually God-centered life.

So far I still have no answers. I am told by my spiritual advisor and Shaman, by my closest friends, and by my partner, to remain patient. It’s really hard. And on some days, like how I feel right now, tears come to my eyes, and I silently ask God “Why?” I don’t know why I’m still going through all of this. I don’t know why I’m still even here. It’s even harder when I see people all around me getting away with behaviors that are filled with a lot of darkness and hate while I try to do the best I can to stay spiritually centered with God.

What I do know is that I am going to continue to do the best I can to keep going and trust that God will one day bring light to the darkness that I feel. That He will deliver me out of this pain and suffering I continue to endure. And that He will show me the next step on my path as to why I’m still here and how best I can serve His will.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Just over four years ago, I really believed I was flying high on life. My health was top notch. I was active in many different things including bowling leagues, golf and tennis outings, and game nights with a lot of people I knew in AA. I was living comfortably in the Boston area back then and my only debt was the bed and breakfast that I owned which I was a silent partner in. It was on the market to be sold and my hopes were that my $500K to $600K investment was going to be returned with a large profit.

Sadly, that never happened.

In January of 2010, my bed and breakfast had to be sold as a short sale. The housing market had dried up and people weren’t buying businesses. I lost every dollar that I had placed into the B&B venture and I walked away with just the shirt on my back. Suddenly, that feeling of flying became one of me crashing to the ground.

I think the word ‘shock’ best describes what I was feeling when the paperwork was signed and I truly realized I had lost everything. Unfortunately, the saying that ‘when it rains, it pours’ is true at times for some people. At the time when I lost my B&B, I was actively engaging in an extremely toxic but intimate relationship with a married man and it was destroying my soul. When I lost my bed and breakfast and all that money, I didn’t grieve, talk about it, or work through anything. I just submerged myself deeper into that toxic relationship. I distanced myself from everyone healthy, from AA, and even from myself. My depression began to grow deeper and my anxiety attacks began to get more frequent.

A few months passed with me in limbo where the only progress I had made in life was in teaching meditation. It was my goal to start my own business with teaching meditation at the center of it. By the time the calendar day became April 27th, 2010, I had turned into an extremely unstable individual and was suffering from regular bouts of anxiety and depression. That night I had been hired at a Yoga studio to lead about 30 students in a guided meditation. During it, pain was shooting down my leg and my low back was hurting quite severely. I got through the instruction and went home to bed earlier than I normally would hoping to awake in the morning free of pain. Instead, the opposite happened. I awoke to even more pain. As each day passed after April 27th, the pain grew more and more severe, until seven days later, a good portion of my left leg and left foot went numb. Over the course of the next few months, my Fibromyalgia returned, I developed Prostatitis, and my depression and anxiety became life disabling.

From the year 2000 until 2010, I had gone on a quest to remain free from doctors, medications, and medical testing. Prior to that, I had become hyper sensitive and was having severe side effects to many prescriptions that I had taken. I had also become addicted to seeing doctors because of my hypochondria and found myself going to their offices sometimes five days a week just to get reassurance in my life that I was going to be ok. So when all of this began after April 27th, 2010, I vowed I would heal from it naturally and not complicate it as I had done so many times before in my life. I spent the rest of 2010 isolating and tried on most days to just conjure up enough energy to make it through each day. I was barely functioning half the time and was grateful that I didn’t have a job as I knew there was no way I was going to be able to work given my state of mind and body. Thankfully I had a sister who was helping me financially get by and I had given myself a year to work through what I was going through without medical help. Unfortunately, it didn’t get better and instead grew worse.

2010 became 2011 and I spent the next year in and out of doctor’s offices, in and out of medical treatments, in and out of physical therapies, and in and out of having suicidal ideations. I finally broke down and decided that I needed to apply for Social Security Disability with my onset date of April 27, 2010. It didn’t appear that I’d be able to go back to work anytime soon and I knew my sister couldn’t keep going on and supporting me indefinitely. It took a lot for me to apply for disability as I have been told many times in my life that there’s always someone much worse than me. But I didn’t feel like I could get much worse as by the end of 2011, I had attempted suicide.

When I had received my first disapproval from Social Security around that time, I was given reassurance that most people get turned down from their first attempt. It wasn’t very reassuring though. The letter I received from them indicated that I didn’t have enough proof that I was disabled on or before December 31st, 2010. I appealed, but this time, I attached letters from my therapist and several practitioners indicating how severe my state of mind and body was and that I was incapable of working while I was trying to focus on my healing. A few months passed, and towards the end of winter 2012, I received my second letter from Social Security and had been turned down once again. I sought legal advice from a lawyer and was told that my best bet was to appeal again but this time I would be going to court. That was over a year ago.

I just received my court date a week ago in the mail. My hearing is going to be on May 7th, 2013. Currently, my lawyer is working pro bono and will only get paid if I win. I’m told that my case is weak because I don’t have enough evidence that I was disabled in 2010. In a nutshell, my decision to try to heal for the first year holistically and not see any MD has proven to be a major snafu in this whole process. What I never knew before was that Social Security is like having any type of insurance. When one pays into some type of insurance, there is a window of time that is covered. The last time I paid into my Social Security was December of 2004 when I was still employed in the corporate world. It’s window of coverage was until December 31st, 2010. Thus, I have to show proof of being disabled on or before that date. All of the doctors, hospital visits, medical testings, and rehabilitations I have gone to beginning in 2011 don’t seem to matter when it comes to this process of trying to show proof I’m disabled.

So I’m doing the best I can to bring as much evidence to the trial of my history of chronic pain, anxiety and depression. I’ve had to go back and contact therapists and psychologists from over a decade ago to ask for letters showing my mental health history. It’s possible my sister may even have to testify as she is one of the few people who really saw how disabled I was during 2010. I never thought that all that money I paid into Social Security for so many years would be so hard to get back when I really need it. Ironically, the path I’ve been on these past few years to get disability has been quite disabling. At times the stress has really overwhelmed me and caused my symptoms to get worse.

I’ve had to place this whole process into God’s hands. I continue to pray about it and turn it over to Him, sometimes even more than once a day. On days when my pain is so great like I wrote about yesterday, and even like I feel right now, I question if all of this work to get disability is in vain. Whatever the decision though, I’ll take it as God’s will and trust that I’ll be ok either way as I know I’m in His healing hands.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

There are days it’s really hard to keep going. Sometimes that pain I deal with in my body is unbearable, like today. On days like these, doubts cloud my judgment, reason is overrun by irrationality, and worries plague my every thoughts. Undertaking the process of clearing my system has been truly the most difficult thing I’ve ever attempted to do in this life. Sometimes I’m not even sure I understand what’s happening within me.

This story began about three years ago when I asked God in prayer to have me go through whatever I needed to go through to remove all the poison, blockages and resistances within me. At the time I was so deeply engaged in toxic living that I couldn’t stop my unhealthy behaviors. My life was a endless stream of highs and lows and a lot of drama. All I wanted was to reach a higher plane of spiritual existence and so I prayed for it. Never did I think that the prayer I made would have brought about what I’ve painfully endured these past three years.

I’ve come to understand that what may have felt great in my life when I was actively addicted in things such as getting drunk, gambling, hooking up, or getting high, what was being stored inside of my body, mind, and soul while I was engaging in them was not so glamorous. It’s like having a crystal glass of pure water and then dropping a grain of dirt in it for each act of seeking a quick high. Eventually after enough grains of dirt are placed in that crystal glass, the water dries up and only hardened mud remains. If that crystal glass is to ever hold pure water again, it must be fully emptied. Except it has to be removed the same way it went in, grain by grain. If too much of that hardened mud is pulled out all at once, it could shatter the crystal glass, rendering it useless.

This is what the clearing process is like. I am that crystal glass that was once filled with pure water. For each time I was active in my addictions, I added particles of dirt to my pure water within. Eventually, it all caught up with me and I became a mental and emotional mess. I believe that my prayer to God began that process of removing each grain of dirt out of me. Unfortunately, when each one leaves me, it isn’t quite so pleasant as it was when it was entering me. The range of symptoms I’ve dealt with during this clearing process has been mind boggling. I could write pages after pages of some of the things I’ve had to deal with, some of which have been seriously painful. I’m not exactly sure why it has to hurt so much as it leaves me. Maybe it’s to help me learn a lesson and prevent it from ever happening again? I can’t say for sure. What I do know though, is that for three years I’ve been going through this and some days, like today, my brain tries to tell me to quit, to give up, and to throw in the towel. Why I don’t is because of things like what happened eight months into this clearing process. I had gone to a holiday gathering where I partook in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Ironically, the gift I ended up with was a plaque that said this:

DON’T QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,

when you’re feeling low and the stress is high,

and you want to smile but you have to sigh,

when worries are getting you down a bit….

by all means pray – and don’t you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out,

God’s hidden gift in the clouds of doubt.

You never can tell how close you are – 

it may be near when it seems so far.

So trust in the Lord when you’re hardest hit…

It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit!

This plaque continues to inspire me and be a source of strength. On days like today, I read it again and again. I remind myself that it took a very long time for me to get as unhealthy as I did. I pray to God and just give thanks for the abundance of what I still have in my life. And I thank Him for all the healing He is sending me as I go through this process. Sometimes in these dark moments all I have to rely upon is blind faith the size of a mustard seed. It’s then that I try to draw closer to God trusting that He will deliver me from this and eventually fill me up once again with pure water. Because of this I vow to keep going and I won’t quit.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson