The Twelfth Step

Day 12, it’s time to return home to Toledo from Grand Cayman and as I type this, I’m actually on the last leg of my flight there. Originally, I was just going to end this series with yesterday’s entry, but the more I thought about it, the more I really felt it needed a proper conclusion.

Overall I must say that this was probably the most challenging vacation I’ve ever been on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically it was truly difficult to keep my sanity for most of this trip, given all that I went through inside. I know there are going to be some who read this who aren’t going to understand how a person can go to an exotic destination and feel the way I did. But I’ve come to learn in life that unless I’m walking in that person’s shoes I will never be able to understand what they’re going through.

Nevertheless, because of all the struggles I endured in Grand Cayman, my partner and I decided we’re not going to take any time away again until I start feeling better. In all honesty, I didn’t have much fun on this vacation and that’s hard for me to admit given how much I wanted to. In fact, I’ve been so down about it that I’ve even felt like I ruined my partner’s only vacation he gets for the year. He says I didn’t, but I know how much better the trip could have been if I hadn’t gone through so much turmoil inside. I know it’s not always going to be like this and I know there will be other vacations some day that I will enjoy again. It’s just a bummer that this one has now come and gone and most of my memories from it are the struggles I went through.

Regardless, when my day began this morning in Grand Cayman at 7:30am, it started out like all the others with me going down to the beach and soaking my feet, asking the ocean to help take some of my pain away and bring healing within me. I fully believe that the ocean is just an extension of God and somehow I’ve always felt closer to God when I do this. I then dug a small hole in the beach and mentally pictured all of my pains and ailments going into it. After burying it, I headed up to the room to do my morning spiritual routine, which was followed with a shower and breakfast. As I ate the last of the fruit, yogurt, and donut on the balcony, glancing out at the ocean, my heart felt so heavy. Heavy because I knew I would miss the ocean and the small bit of peace I had received from it. Soon after, everything was packed and ready to go, and we headed out of the room for the last time. Tears fell from my eyes as the door closed. I just couldn’t believe my trip was over, as on some level it never felt like it even got started for me.

Thankfully the drive to the airport was quick and both legs of our flights were on time as well. I also utilized the handicap assistance again today to make my travel home a little easier. Soon we’ll have landed and be on our way back to our humble home, most likely ordering a pizza since there’s no food in the house. There’s a part of me that feels so broken right now as I type these remaining words, because it’s days like today that I ultimately wonder why God has had me suffering for as long as I have.

While I may not understand You God, I still maintain my faith that You know what You’re doing within me. And while my trip to Grand Cayman may not have been what I had hoped for, I’m still going to do something that I promised myself I’d do to end this blog vacation series. I’m going to express my gratitude to You.

So I’m grateful to You God that I was even able to make it on this trip and have two eyes and two ears to see and hear the things I did. I’m grateful for experiencing so much of Your beautiful marine life from coral to sea turtles to stingrays to tropical fish. I’m grateful You brought a nice couple from Roanoke into our lives who embraced me with nothing but unconditional love. I’m grateful to You for each of those moments where I smiled and laughed and remembered what it’s like to experience Your peace and joy. I’m grateful that I remained clean and sober from all my former addictions throughout the entire time, even as pain-filled as I was. I’m grateful for all the wonderful meals You provided us, as well as the incredible accommodations You helped us to find. And last but certainly not the least, I’m grateful to You for placing my partner Chris in my life, as he has supported me through everything I’ve gone through, both on this trip, and on this healing journey I’ve been on to grow closer to You.

So thank You for all these things and all the others that remain silently upon my heart and know that I’m forever grateful for what I did experience in Grand Cayman, even in the midst of all my pains and struggles…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

 

Day 11, the final day of our vacation in Grand Cayman. To be perfectly honest, I’ve been pretty bummed out for most of the day. Not only because some heavy sinus pain and pressure resurfaced this morning after disappearing completely yesterday, but also because I just feel like I haven’t fully experienced the relaxing getaway I was hoping for.

I’ve been going through so much on this trip, mentally, emotionally and physically, that it’s been truly difficult for me to be present with almost everything. I did my best nevertheless to find some serenity today and went out for one last time of snorkeling. The seas were pretty rough though, which made it extremely difficult to see anything. But I must admit it made me very thankful for all the prior days where the conditions in the ocean were far better to see some pretty cool marine life! Oh, and I did see a huge lobster today, as well as a rather large barracuda!

Overall, the weather has been a little interesting these last few days here after that storm came in on Friday. It’s been quite cool, cloudy, and exceptionally windy ever since, except I’ll take a very cloudy and breezy 75-degree day, over the below freezing temperatures back home any day!

Yet as I type this second to last entry for my Grand Cayman trip, I’m feeling exceptionally sad. My partner had to endure a lot with me these past 10 days with all the health frustrations I continue to go through. What I really desired for this trip was to have him see a much healthier me, one that reminded him of the person he met a bunch of years ago when things were far less chaotic in my mind and body. I can’t do much about it though, as it ultimately is out of my hands and in my Higher Power’s control.

Anyway, our final dinner here was spent with our new friends from Roanoke again. We opted to go back to Tukka, the same Australian place we ate at for lunch earlier in the week. It was nice eating out on the water again at nighttime. But this time I tried the lionfish tacos and I was pleasantly surprised. The only downside of the meal was having some pepper fly into my eye due to the high winds. Ugh, it was painful. LOL.

Our final full day here concluded with us all watching the Oscars on ABC, which I was glad I was able to see them this year. The last two years we were on vacations where they weren’t being broadcast. While I enjoyed it, I’m not sure how I feel about Chris Rock’s routine with his whole “OscarsSoWhite” material. Regardless, I’m all for the Academy voting process being shook up somehow. Hopefully next year we might finally see a lot more minorities in the nominations.

Well that’s pretty much a wrap for my final full day here in Grand Cayman. In all honesty, I’m ready to go home. Given how challenging it’s been for me with my health since I’ve been here, I’m missing a lot of the comforts I can only get at home.

But as always, I want to end today’s recap with a little gratitude, because I feel that’s important. So God, I’m grateful to You for seeing a little more of your beauty today under the surface of the ocean, for bringing some new friends into our lives, and for helping me to find some serenity and peace this past week, even in the midst of all the pain I continue to endure…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson