Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

I have been asked quite a few times lately whether I’m suicidal due to how I’ve been writing and sharing about my life on social media and in my blog. Having had both my parents end their lives in that way, with many who know me or have read my writings over the past 10 years already knowledgeable of this painful part of my past, I get the concern. This is why today’s article is about this difficult subject, one in which I choose to discuss precisely how I feel about ending my life in this way.

Are there days lately that I find myself crying out to God that I wish to die? I’d be lying if I said there weren’t. Are there days that I have pondered at moments various ways to check out of this plane of existence? I’d be lying if I said there weren’t. And are there days that I have let the feelings of being so alone and unloved in one romantic relationship after another get the best of me, where I start thinking life would be far better dead than alive? I’d be lying if I said there weren’t.

Having had two parents end their lives by their own hands makes it very easy to ponder questions like this, especially when my raw emotions and the physical pain I continue to endure at heightened levels get the best of me. What’s even worse is remembering this psychiatrist who once told me ages ago that I had a 60 percent chance of following in my parent’s shoes because of the way they both ended their lives. I think about that psychiatrist’s words a lot lately. And I do mean A LOT. But does that mean I am thinking about taking my life? The answer is no.

Let me be clear in saying that people who talk about suicide, who threaten suicide, or discuss it openly are far less at risk for actually taking their lives than those who don’t talk about it. Typically, those who talk about it are feeling mostly void of having unconditional love in their lives and are seeking greater connection to someone who may be able to offer it.

Personally, what I long the most in life is to be unconditionally loved by one single romantic companion because I have endured a lifetime of feeling unloved ever since beginning it with two parents who never knew how to give love freely. And because of that, I recreated my childhood codependency in one relationship after another where I unconditionally loved the person I fell in love with far more than any love I ever got back. While I eventually learned how to give that type of love to myself, that has never taken away my longing to still be loved unconditionally by someone who will embrace my heart and never let go. I don’t believe any of us are meant to go through life without experiencing this, never having someone to enjoy this type of deep romantic love with. And never having experienced this after so many failed relationships, I often find myself thinking that death would be far better than life, except that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to take my life.

I can’t say the same though for those who hurt equally as bad or worse and think about taking their lives but never talk about it at all. It’s people like this who are most at risk. My parents never talked about any of their pain and both ended their lives by their own hands leaving two kids to pick up the pieces that remained, trying to find some type of unconditional love for themselves to keep going.

Sometimes I think my sister and I have never fully recovered from the blow of our parent’s tragic deaths, given how incredibly painful each were for us. While we’ve both done a tremendous amount of healing work to keep going, it still hasn’t taken away the void left behind from the lack of unconditional love we never got from them, especially in the way their lives ended, as suicide is a very unloving act. Add in the lifetime of never receiving that type of love in each of our romantic relationships, where it’s constantly showed up more in the form of a carrot dangling at the end of a stick, always just out of reach, it’s made for a very difficult existence. I’m thankful though to have witnessed many beautiful couples who have expressed this type of love to each other, like my friend Melissa and her dearly departed husband Ken, as they showed me true unconditional love does exist.

So, while I’ve often pondered death not ever knowing that type of love in any of my relationships, I know I still have a great calling on this planet and won’t give darkness the satisfaction of me checking out prematurely. I trudge on and keep one deep hope alive, and that is to have one single soul, one being, by my side, to unconditionally love me in a way I’ve never been, not once, in my entire life, except what I learned to give myself. I deserve that type of love from another, and I know God would say I do as well. And although I haven’t gotten that yet and often think lately of just giving up on life altogether, I’m NOT going to take my life. I’m just choosing to share the depth of my pain and my truth with the world, something God has helped me learn to do so transparently, and something my parents never did. And I know in doing so, I won’t let happen to me, what happened to them…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

It’s New Year’s Eve and 2022 will soon become nothing more than a memory. Of all the years in my life, 2022 has by far been the hardest upon my heart. I’ve experienced such a massive onslaught to it since it began that it’s never gotten a chance to recover. So, as 2023 begins, I have only one hope for it, but before I say what that is, I want to share all that my heart actually went through this year.

2022 began with several individuals whom I felt were good friends, walking out of my life without ever explaining why or ever even giving me a chance to talk through whatever their reasons were. Each would ghost me, one building upon the next, until my life became a blur from what seemed like a mass exodus happening. While you can say it’s their loss, or share some bible phrases or other sayings people often used during times of great loss, or even offer that universal quote, “when one door closes, another opens”, I’ve found that none of that really helps heal a broken heart when too many doors close all at once.

With each of those doors closing in heartache, by the time my birthday arrived in June, I began enduring hurtful words from a partner I still loved immensely. When you hear things like, “I hate you” or “I can’t wait till you go on your vacation, so I have some peace and quiet around here…”, even if they get said in the heat of the moment, it still felt like a sledgehammer bashing my heart each time. Eventually, my heart couldn’t take it anymore and I gave up. It was then I realized I had been the only one carrying the torch when he’d admit he hadn’t been in love for some time, the heartache of which became unfathomable for me.

Then the came the hard realization that I had nowhere to go due to my financial situation and health issues, both established long before I ever moved to Toledo, and something that didn’t matter back then to either of us because of being in love. While thankfully I was still promised I had a home to stay in until another path opens up for me, having to continue to watch the cats who share the home still get all the coo’s and cuddle’s I once got, I’d silently cry within each time.

When I tried to seek solace from all this with my best friend, it only brought about greater heartache as he suggested that maybe the demise of my relationship and all those that ended in my life prior were only because I’ve been sinning against God for a long time by being in gay partnerships. To hear this from my best friend who helped me out of the closet ages ago, who helped me find God and reminded me again and again that God loves me no matter what, who helped me find true recovery from addiction, and who taught me all about how to love everyone unconditionally, hit my heart so hard I thought it was going to explode from the pain. I’ve never felt that God disapproved of any of my relationships, because I’ve always loved so fully from every bit of my heart, which is precisely what God is, unconditional love. So, when you’re seeking your best friend’s shoulder to cry on over so much heartbreak but instead given religious creed that feels shame-filled and guilt-ridden, it was like putting a set of nails into my heart no different than Jesus getting nailed to a cross.

In the midst of all this, I’d also learn of my sister’s marriage crumbling after 22 years, and as it did, she’d grow distant, our calls became less, and our connection waned. While I understood she was hurting too, I still desperately needed someone to talk to about all I was going through. Unfortunately, she didn’t have that energy to give, which led to her cancelling her holiday trip to see me. That in turn caused even further heartbreak, and even more so when I learned I couldn’t visit her over the holidays either, all because of someone in her life who’s never learned to love me even when I’ve desperately tried to offer them unconditional love time and time again.

And just when I thought my heart couldn’t take any more in 2022, the one diamond in all the rough from this year, the one true gem that glowed so brightly above them all, and someone who seemed to truly understand me in every one of our calls that would last for hours on end but felt as if only mere seconds passed by, who somehow also found a way to help my heart repair a little more each time we connected, suddenly exited my life as well, with nothing more than a text that made no sense compared to the depth of the connection we had built, and someone I continue to miss every, single, day, as if a part of me is missing now.

So, while I wish I had a hopeful message to offer of what I learned this past calendar year like I have done in years’ past, what I do have to offer is my truth as to why I hurt as bad as I do in my heart right now. In light of that, as 2023 begins, I place my one and only hope out there for God, the Universe, Source, or Whatever you may choose to call it. Please return to me the one person who will unconditionally love me and never let go, to embrace my fragile heart and spend the rest of this lifetime with, always putting unconditional love first before anything else, as I do the same with them. Truly, it’s my heart’s only remaining desire…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

It’s no secret anymore that my 10-year relationship with Chris that brought me to Toledo is now at its end. The next chapter between us is still being written and one that has been painfully uncomfortable for me on every level, with tons of tears being shed on most days, often even in public, even at Starbucks where I spend much of them drowning my sorrows in an extra-large vanilla cold foam mocha cold brew.

Being that my heart is usually more open than not, and my emotions worn more on my sleeve than hidden, I’ve allowed myself to remain raw no matter where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. I’ve even posted a picture or two on social media with exactly how I’ve been feeling, even if it’s not painted me in the best light, because I’d rather be more real than fake when it comes to this type of thing. Recently, when I posted one of those, I was extremely appreciative of the outpouring of support I received from those who have gone through similar or who simply just wanted me to know they cared, all except one individual who said, ”Move on”.

While I knew those words said a lot more about the character of the individual who wrote them than they did of me, they still stung. Ending a 10-year relationship hasn’t been easy, especially when you truly were in love throughout it all. Like any death, leaving a relationship is no different in that one will go through each of those grieving stages. The only problem in my case is that I can’t appropriately grieve given I’m still living with Chris because I don’t have the financial means to do what I did last time my last long-term relationship ended, which was to migrate my way to an entirely new state and area for me to fully heal my heart and start again.

When I came to Toledo eight years ago, it was under that pretense that I would spend my life with Chris. It was also a known factor that I would be financially dependent on him more than not, which he accepted given the love he said he had for me. I built a life here with him ever since and every single memory and every single thing both in this house and in this area was built surrounding my life with him. Point blank, I was only here in Toledo for him. Now, I don’t know how to heal my broken heart living in the same household nor do I know how to continue living in a city that reminds me of him wherever I go. I feel trapped, shut down, and stuck on so many levels and pray to God daily for help and guidance to get out of here.

In light of my grieving dilemma, having someone say something so impersonal and so hurtful during this time of incredible grief hit my heart immensely, making it feel even worse. It would have been no different receiving those same words after my father had committed suicide or my mother had drunkenly fallen down the stairs to her death. Going through grief, no matter what it’s about, is a spiritual healing journey in itself, and one that often requires a tremendous amount of unconditional love and support both from ourselves and from others to make it through. Why this individual said such painful words to me when I most needed that type of love and support I don’t know.

Maybe the individual has never been loved by anyone to understand what this feels like? Maybe they were loved for as long as I was or longer and it ended painfully and they’re still angry? Or maybe they are just a broken individual who for whatever their reason fulfilled that saying, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Honestly, whatever their reason doesn’t matter because it wasn’t truly about me.

The fact is, I didn’t put a picture of me with a solemn facial expression because I needed likes or increased social media status. I simply wanted people to know how bad I’ve been hurting and still am. Life right now feels like it’s never going to be good again and I don’t know how it can be so long as I remain living with someone I will always love but can’t in the way I once did and who doesn’t look at me anymore in the way they once did.

What I know I need right now beyond a path that brings me far away from Toledo, Ohio is simply one thing and that’s unconditional love and support and nothing more. And I pray that if you have anything to say that doesn’t come from that deep place of heart and soul, then please, I only ask you keep it to yourself…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson