My Writing Dilemma

Three times I began writing this article for today and three times I realized it was something I’ve already written about sometime in the past. With 2,225 entries thus far, over six years of writing, and not missing a single day ever since this blog’s inception, I find myself now facing a writing dilemma, as I’m beginning to feel like I’ve run out of things to say and am questioning where to go with it from here.

All of this began back on January 14th, 2013 when I posted my very first blog, which was nothing more than basically a “Hello World” type of entry. Ever since, I’ve written about everything in my life, fully exposing every single facet of myself, sometimes to the point where I even surprised myself at how open and honest I was being.

With all the gossipy judgments and criticism that seem to be plaguing our world these days, it’s probably a good thing that neither my blog, nor I, have gained any type of notoriety over the years. The general public would most likely have a field day with me and find plenty of things to crucify me with from my past. Believe me when I say I definitely have a tainted past, yet one I’ve still fully laid out for the rest of the world to see nonetheless.

I know I have some loyal readers who have stuck by my side ever since the beginning and I’m very thankful for them. Frankly, sometimes I think I continue to write solely because of them. At the same time though, I also think about not wanting to bore any of them either with yet another article about something they’ve probably read about time and time again.

Honestly, I wish somehow my life would move out of this pause mode that God seems to have me still on. I’ve been waiting on God for so long now for guidance and direction with my life that I’ve forgotten what having any type of normal life feels like.

My health issues have kept me in this pause mode, and left me writing about a lot of the same subjects, with me often repeating many of my same viewpoints, which is most likely the very reason why I don’t garner much in the line of increasing readership.

I’m quite sure my spiritual teacher would gently remind me though that I’m not writing for any of them, that I’m writing for myself, and that even having one reader is a gift in itself. But, truthfully, I’m bored with writing anyway, because I don’t have hardly anything new happening in my life anymore to muse about.

My health issues have kept me mostly sidelined from achieving any of my dreams, aspirations, goals, and the like and all of my prayers surrounding them and my health have been answered by God with mostly silence. And so, I’ve waited. I’ve waited on God and in the process, written about the same things again and again and again, and now I find myself struggling to keep on doing it.

I truly wish that God would end my long-standing health crisis, so that I had enough energy to take on some new tasks in life, tasks that I know would absolutely lead to plenty of more things to write about. Yet, “be still” is the only thing that continues to present itself to me, as anytime I’ve attempted to control this process or my life, has been met with dire results.

So, yes, I’m facing a dilemma with my writing, with this blog, and with my life in general. As I struggle to even make it through most of the basic of life’s tasks nowadays, I continue to write, but with ever depleting hope. I’ve never faced such a long dark night of my soul, one that seems to never have any end in sight. Yet, I still faithfully wait upon God for dawn to come, for the sun to rise within me again, for joy to return, and for His promise to be made true, as I know when it does, that an endless inspiration to write will return…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Holding Onto Hope And Faith As Another New Year Begins…

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around where 2018 went. I always remember hearing tons of adults say how fast the year seemed to go by when another New Year’s Eve and Day rolled around. Now, I’m actually one of those adults.

As a kid, I always wanted to speed life up. I couldn’t wait to get to my teenage years. I couldn’t wait to be old enough to drive. I couldn’t wait to be done with high school.  I couldn’t wait to become of age to drink legally. And I couldn’t wait to be done with college and out on my own making a living.

Now, I’m on the other side of the coin where I find myself as each new year begins, wishing I had a magic want that was able to slow life down or turn back time. Having spent the past eight years mostly on the sidelines with a ton of health issues has made me dread when each new year arrives.

While I set three primary goals at the beginning of 2018 of doing my best to serve God, doing my best to treat others with unconditional love, and remaining 100% sober from all former addictions, and actually kept to all three, I had a few other goals that continue to be passed on from one year to the next. That being to feel healthier in my physical body, to get back into the work force, and to actually take a real vacation again where my only obligation is to sit by a pool or a beach for a week. Unfortunately, I haven’t come close to meeting any of them yet and thus I begin another year of my life with the same feelings I did the last time another new year began, that being sadness and hope.

I have sadness that at the age of 46, I’ve actually been unemployed and unable to carry a job since the beginning of 2010. I have sadness that I can’t support my partner in most of his monthly expenditures. I have sadness that I haven’t been able to return to participating even recreationally in any type of sport. And I have sadness, that my partner and I haven’t been able to take an annual vacation together without having to go through mega stress over my health problems. Yet, even in light of all that sadness, as I said, I still remain hopeful, hopeful in God that is, which is the ONLY thing that has kept me going from one new year to the next thus far.

You see, without having hope in God, I have no faith that God is going to do anything good for me ever again. And without having faith that God will ever doing anything good for me ever again, I can assure you I won’t feel any purpose for me to live, as whenever I’ve been in that place, I’ve become suicidal and really don’t wish to experience that again.

So, as 2019 begins, I begin it with hope and faith once again. Hope and faith in a living out a much brighter life. Hope and faith that there is a greater plan for me. Hope and faith that all this suffering hasn’t been in vain. And hope and faith that my life is going to improve.

Who knows where I’ll be standing this time next year or what I’ll be writing about when another new year arrives in 2020. But at least with my hope and faith, I am starting 2019 on a more positive note by saying I trust in God with my entire life, enough to keep waiting on my goals, and enough to continue believing that God does have a greater plan for me and for all of you too…

May all of you be blessed and filled with much unconditional love and light in 2019!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Eight And A Half Year Storm…

Eight and a half years ago now, I was still deeply engaged in an adulterous relationship with a married man and was very spiritually sick, so much so, that my mental and emotional state had become completely unstable. On one particular afternoon, the pain had become so great that I humbled myself enough to finally ask God for help. I prayed to be freed from everything that separated me from Him. I prayed to have ALL my addictions removed and asked that I be brought through the healing as fast as I could handle it, so that I didn’t waste another day of my life living apart from Him. And I meant EVERY word of it, as torrents of tears fell from my face while I said those prayers. What I didn’t know was that two weeks later, a storm would begin in my life, one that I continue to believe is somehow the answer to all those prayers. But sadly, that storm still rages on in my life and has yet to depart.

There are many slogans, passages, and uplifting words out there in the world about the storms that fall upon us in our lives. I’ve been quoted many of them, often from the Bible, and various other religious text, as well as from my 12 Step recovery realms over the years, about how those storms always do pass. During the first few years of this, all of them were actually comforting and kept me going. But, as my health issues began to pile up, one after another, and my life fell apart more and more, my skies remained mostly grey with only a few moments of sunshine suddenly bursting through. Moments that never lasted more than a few hours to a day here and there. Moments that have only added up to about the number of days I can count on two hands.

This storm originally began somewhat small and was quite akin to a few passing rainstorms, one always following another. Eventually, those rainstorms turned into heavy downpours, yet I continued to endure, even when they didn’t let up. But, just when I thought those rains couldn’t get any stronger, they did, and my life now feels like it’s experiencing a Class 5 hurricane. And there I’ve sat in the midst of this crazy storm, as it ravages my life with so much physical pain and mental anguish, leaving me in in a place where I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to not live in a such a storm.

I honestly don’t remember what it’s like to experience blue skies, light breezy winds, and a hopeful horizon. All attempts on my part to clear these dark skies and send all these heavy winds and rains away, have been thwarted by things seemingly beyond my control. People have asked me many times, especially recently, if I regret saying those prayers now. While my ego says yes, my heart and soul continue to say no. Because in all reality, I despised the person I once was, before this storm first began.

Somehow, I’ve continued to find enough faith to keep going though, and to keep believing that this storm will eventually end, even as the skies around me have turned totally black as of late. As I face probably the darkest moments of my life now, the Devil, evil, or whatever dark forces that plague our world, beckon me constantly to take my life, to give up on God, and to pick back up any number of addictions that used to comfort me. I have resisted all those temptations thus far, but honestly, I’m out of energy. Frankly, I’m tired, exhausted really. I have nothing left to give, but my life itself, and yet I still employ that to God. Because science, medicine, natural healers, and all the things this world has to offer for healing, have been unable to clear this storm away, and if anything, have often led to it becoming even stronger.

So, when people ask me now what they can do for me to help, as this storm feels like it’s about to ultimately break me in two, I have only one thing left to say. Pray that I’m given enough strength to get to the other side of this storm. Pray that God will see me through to its very end. And pray that I have enough faith to not give up on God, or myself for that matter. Because I can only imagine how clear the skies will become and how close I’ll feel to my Maker, when this storm finally does end.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson