Holding Onto Hope And Faith As Another New Year Begins…

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around where 2018 went. I always remember hearing tons of adults say how fast the year seemed to go by when another New Year’s Eve and Day rolled around. Now, I’m actually one of those adults.

As a kid, I always wanted to speed life up. I couldn’t wait to get to my teenage years. I couldn’t wait to be old enough to drive. I couldn’t wait to be done with high school.  I couldn’t wait to become of age to drink legally. And I couldn’t wait to be done with college and out on my own making a living.

Now, I’m on the other side of the coin where I find myself as each new year begins, wishing I had a magic want that was able to slow life down or turn back time. Having spent the past eight years mostly on the sidelines with a ton of health issues has made me dread when each new year arrives.

While I set three primary goals at the beginning of 2018 of doing my best to serve God, doing my best to treat others with unconditional love, and remaining 100% sober from all former addictions, and actually kept to all three, I had a few other goals that continue to be passed on from one year to the next. That being to feel healthier in my physical body, to get back into the work force, and to actually take a real vacation again where my only obligation is to sit by a pool or a beach for a week. Unfortunately, I haven’t come close to meeting any of them yet and thus I begin another year of my life with the same feelings I did the last time another new year began, that being sadness and hope.

I have sadness that at the age of 46, I’ve actually been unemployed and unable to carry a job since the beginning of 2010. I have sadness that I can’t support my partner in most of his monthly expenditures. I have sadness that I haven’t been able to return to participating even recreationally in any type of sport. And I have sadness, that my partner and I haven’t been able to take an annual vacation together without having to go through mega stress over my health problems. Yet, even in light of all that sadness, as I said, I still remain hopeful, hopeful in God that is, which is the ONLY thing that has kept me going from one new year to the next thus far.

You see, without having hope in God, I have no faith that God is going to do anything good for me ever again. And without having faith that God will ever doing anything good for me ever again, I can assure you I won’t feel any purpose for me to live, as whenever I’ve been in that place, I’ve become suicidal and really don’t wish to experience that again.

So, as 2019 begins, I begin it with hope and faith once again. Hope and faith in a living out a much brighter life. Hope and faith that there is a greater plan for me. Hope and faith that all this suffering hasn’t been in vain. And hope and faith that my life is going to improve.

Who knows where I’ll be standing this time next year or what I’ll be writing about when another new year arrives in 2020. But at least with my hope and faith, I am starting 2019 on a more positive note by saying I trust in God with my entire life, enough to keep waiting on my goals, and enough to continue believing that God does have a greater plan for me and for all of you too…

May all of you be blessed and filled with much unconditional love and light in 2019!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Eight And A Half Year Storm…

Eight and a half years ago now, I was still deeply engaged in an adulterous relationship with a married man and was very spiritually sick, so much so, that my mental and emotional state had become completely unstable. On one particular afternoon, the pain had become so great that I humbled myself enough to finally ask God for help. I prayed to be freed from everything that separated me from Him. I prayed to have ALL my addictions removed and asked that I be brought through the healing as fast as I could handle it, so that I didn’t waste another day of my life living apart from Him. And I meant EVERY word of it, as torrents of tears fell from my face while I said those prayers. What I didn’t know was that two weeks later, a storm would begin in my life, one that I continue to believe is somehow the answer to all those prayers. But sadly, that storm still rages on in my life and has yet to depart.

There are many slogans, passages, and uplifting words out there in the world about the storms that fall upon us in our lives. I’ve been quoted many of them, often from the Bible, and various other religious text, as well as from my 12 Step recovery realms over the years, about how those storms always do pass. During the first few years of this, all of them were actually comforting and kept me going. But, as my health issues began to pile up, one after another, and my life fell apart more and more, my skies remained mostly grey with only a few moments of sunshine suddenly bursting through. Moments that never lasted more than a few hours to a day here and there. Moments that have only added up to about the number of days I can count on two hands.

This storm originally began somewhat small and was quite akin to a few passing rainstorms, one always following another. Eventually, those rainstorms turned into heavy downpours, yet I continued to endure, even when they didn’t let up. But, just when I thought those rains couldn’t get any stronger, they did, and my life now feels like it’s experiencing a Class 5 hurricane. And there I’ve sat in the midst of this crazy storm, as it ravages my life with so much physical pain and mental anguish, leaving me in in a place where I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to not live in a such a storm.

I honestly don’t remember what it’s like to experience blue skies, light breezy winds, and a hopeful horizon. All attempts on my part to clear these dark skies and send all these heavy winds and rains away, have been thwarted by things seemingly beyond my control. People have asked me many times, especially recently, if I regret saying those prayers now. While my ego says yes, my heart and soul continue to say no. Because in all reality, I despised the person I once was, before this storm first began.

Somehow, I’ve continued to find enough faith to keep going though, and to keep believing that this storm will eventually end, even as the skies around me have turned totally black as of late. As I face probably the darkest moments of my life now, the Devil, evil, or whatever dark forces that plague our world, beckon me constantly to take my life, to give up on God, and to pick back up any number of addictions that used to comfort me. I have resisted all those temptations thus far, but honestly, I’m out of energy. Frankly, I’m tired, exhausted really. I have nothing left to give, but my life itself, and yet I still employ that to God. Because science, medicine, natural healers, and all the things this world has to offer for healing, have been unable to clear this storm away, and if anything, have often led to it becoming even stronger.

So, when people ask me now what they can do for me to help, as this storm feels like it’s about to ultimately break me in two, I have only one thing left to say. Pray that I’m given enough strength to get to the other side of this storm. Pray that God will see me through to its very end. And pray that I have enough faith to not give up on God, or myself for that matter. Because I can only imagine how clear the skies will become and how close I’ll feel to my Maker, when this storm finally does end.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Having That “Stuck-Like” Feeling In Life?

Lately, I really have been having this “stuck-like” feeling in life, almost as if I’ve not been moving forward, like my life has been on pause for far too long, which in all honesty has felt like an eternity.

There have been many days in which my ego has pushed for me to take a step backwards because of this and engage in unhealthy behaviors that I once did with regularity just to numb myself from the doldrums of life. There have also been plenty of days in which my ego has wanted me to take a random step in what it feels is in a forward direction, by trying something random, just to see if somehow that might remove this “stuck-like” feeling.

Yet, in the midst of all this spiritual confusion, there has been this part of me that continues to tell me to remain still and wait because my past actions have shown that any step backwards only leads to a greater feeling of being stuck and any step forward that doesn’t come from my Higher Guidance only leads to more of the same as well.

So, I’ve been waiting, waiting for God’s guidance and direction to come, but it hasn’t thus far, which has left me feeling like I’m in this very “stuck-like” place, one that has been extremely painful and primarily devoid of any real peace and joy in life.

While I have done my best to get out and help another, as that seems to help a little, and while I have done my best too to remain busy doing constructive things like upkeep around the house and hobbies, neither have removed that “stuck-like” feeling, which has left me thinking.

Maybe, this is precisely where the Universe wants me? Maybe, I’m meant to be still and stop trying to guide my own path, stop trying to push myself in some direction I think I should be going in, and stop trying to control whatever destiny I think I’m supposed to have, as it’s quite obvious from my past, how far any of those actions ever got me, which was pretty much nowhere.

In light of that, maybe I’m just meant to sit with this “stuck-like” feeling because I’m not stuck at all. Maybe I’m really moving forward and it’s only my ego that keeps saying I’m not. And maybe, just maybe, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I’ll see just how very much I’m not stuck at all…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson