Life Lessons for Andrew Arthur Dawson

Today’s entry is somewhat different. My spiritual advisor gave me a homework assigned to write in a third person about what I have learned so far in this lifetime. So I’ve placed that assignment’s result below that I produced.

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A long time ago, Andrew spent much of his life living in addictions and obsessions chasing after money, power, men, relationships, possessions, and quick highs. Each of these things was believed to bring happiness but over time they brought nothing but temporary satisfaction to a gnawing hunger for something deeper.

In the first chapter of Andrew’s life, he experienced the lack of unconditional love and kindness in his own family and how that manifests into conditional love based actions. He also experienced what it was like to be robbed of his sacred sexuality when an adult violated him. The first chapter ended of Andrew’s life at the age of 17 when Andrew decided that being alone and unloved externally was too painful.

In the second chapter of Andrew’s life, he learned how to numb himself from pain of the lower vibrations of life using sex, alcohol, drugs, and anything else that provided quick stimulation. Using people, manipulating, lying, being deceiving, lusting, becoming filled with greed, Andrew’s only source of happiness was in what he could gain with money or people outside of his own self. A light showed into Andrew’s darkness in his second chapter of life when he met Susan. Susan provided a temporary beacon to show what was possible when Andrew was able to connect to Source energies. For a brief period that lasted approximately six months, Andrew saw what was possible if he was living in more of his Divine Self serving Source’s needs and wants on this planet. The lower vibrations unfortunately took over for Andrew and he fell back into the veil of illusion for many more years. The second chapter of Andrew’s life ended on April 27th, 2010 as Andrew was soon to be turning the age of 38. Andrew had prayed to God in a moment of great mental and emotional pain just prior to this date to release him from the bondage of the addiction based life he had been living. Having committed many acts of lust and conditional based love centered relationships; Andrew had found himself dependently attached to a married man who was an active alcoholic. Andrew soon realized that he was in relationship with the energy of his parents who he had been unloved in so many ways from the beginning of his life.

And so the third chapter of Andrew’s life began with the letting go process. On April 27th, 2010, Andrew’s body began to manifest physical limitations and uncomfortable sensations that slowed his life down immediately. From that night to the present day, Andrew has gone through major releases in his life. For two more years after that night when the physical manifestation began, Andrew went through two more toxic relationships to learn that no human being can make him happy, no human being can fix him, and no human being can save him. Andrew also learned that each of the toxic relationships that he had in his life stemmed from the way he was brought up in his own family. As the awareness increased, Andrew cut the cords to all of the unhealthy people in his life especially all those that came into his life from 2007 forward until that date in 2010, each of which were teachers on some level to show him how sick he was. For over nine months now Andrew has been free from toxic friendships and relationships. Andrew has stayed clear of those that might re-animate those connections. And Andrew has done his best to keep his body, mind and soul clear of all unhealthy behaviors including what he says, thinks, eats, and does.

The following are a list of just some of the lessons that Andrew has learned in this life.

1. Andrew lived many lives of adulterous lust based relationships. God brings into Andrew’s life those relationships that are healthy. Those that Andrew finds a quick drive towards, are always from his ego and self-will.

2. Andrew learned that caffeine, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, lust based sex, and any other stimulant producing thing that induced a quick high was counteracting any ability for him to serve Source.

3. Andrew learned that teachers will appear when the student is ready and many of the teachers were just mirrors for showing actions and behaviors that Andrew was guilty of doing himself but pointing the finger instead at those teachers.

4. Andrew learned that what energy necessarily might have felt great when doing or performing certain things in his life, the release process of that same energy generally is quite painful if that initial energy was done out of toxicity.

5. Andrew learned that the healing process begins on the spiritual level and works its way from spiritual to mental to emotional and finally to physical of which he is patiently waiting for now in his journey.

6. Andrew learned that most people in his life left because they were manifestations of his lower self and as he began to remove his lower self, those people no longer fit in his spiritual journey.

7. Andrew learned that controlling things might get one ahead in life, but when a spiritual journey truly begins, it starts back to just before the control had started in life. In other words, the spiritual journey begins back when the student abandoned himself and looked outside of himself for happiness.

8.  Andrew learned that a truly centered spiritual person doesn’t always have to speak and when he does speak, his words match his actions when he’s not speaking. He learned at the same rate that many people may sound wonderful when they are speaking but it is only their ego driving them and that who they are when not in public view is not aligned with who they are when they are speaking.

9. Andrew learned that lust has dominated most of his life from just around the age of when he was molested at 12 until the age of 39 and that lust is not love and that love is not conditional and that true love is not about having to perform sexually or give certain things to someone. True love loves someone no matter where they are in life, no matter what they do, and no matter what they are able to offer.

10. And finally, Andrew learned that to be happy in life, it was never about how many people were in his life that wanted to spend time with him, it wasn’t about how many things he could buy, it wasn’t having the best looking partner, it wasn’t about how much money he could earn, it was always about going back to that wounded child and spending time loving that child with God holding his hand and driving the healing process. And even more importantly, that Andrew can achieve true healing and a spiritually centered life only if God remains at the center of his journey.

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I believe I’m still currently in my third chapter in life. And, I believe there is still one more chapter in my life beyond this one and that chapter will be the one where I am teaching to others that which I’ve learned in this life. But for right now, I’m still in the healing aspects of my life repairing the damages that I’ve done to myself in this life and in previous lives. I am grateful to Source for getting me this far.

Peace, Love, Light, and Joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Little Engine That Could

It’s amazing how my brain tells me I can’t do something quite often. And it’s even more amazing that when I can get out of my brain and into my heart and soul, I’m able to do just the things it says I can’t.

Last night, as I was attempting to get myself to sleep, my brain continued to tell me that there was no way I was going to be able to make a 12 to 13 hour drive I would be attempting to make the next morning to visit my partner (we currently live apart). Normally I would fly but with financial issues looming, I opted to drive for the first time. Even more interesting is that he doesn’t even know I’m visiting, it’s a surprise for our anniversary which is February 25th.

So as I lay there reciting mantra after mantra, doing breath work and trying to get myself to fall asleep five hours sooner than my normal bed time, I drifted in and out of an anxiety based state. If you’ve read any of my previous postings you’ll know by now that I handle day to day chronic pain currently in my life. Sitting or standing for extended periods is quite a challenge.  The anxiety finally got the best of me this morning bringing me fully awake at 4:00am. After my morning prayer, mantras, and chakra balance, I was on the road with the clock reading 5:20am. The clock hadn’t passed a complete hour before I had already thought many times about turning around. But, there was a thought that was more silent and more subtle. It was one telling me that this was a lesson in my life to learn.

I’ve been going through chronic pain now since April 20th, 2010 and have been healing slowly. I have chosen to heal holistically which is a much longer process than taking prescription drugs and having invasive medical procedures done. For the last few years I have battled the same feelings about this healing like I was about the drive this morning. I have wanted to give up, to pop some pills, to go back to my old addictions, or have surgery done to see if maybe it might help somehow with any of what I feel every day. It’s almost been three years now since that day it all began to manifest on a physical level.  The progress I have made to change my way of living and become healthier on every level has been arduous but fulfilling. And I’m still moving forward, one day at a time. Really, one moment at a time. And I haven’t chosen to go back to any of my old behaviors or go get that surgery doctors aren’t even confident will help.

So back to my drive and how this all relates. Within that first hour of my drive as some of my pain kicked in and the doubt crept in, I made a decision. I made a commitment. I’m not going to go back. Not in this. Not in my healing. Not in anything that is going to bring me closer to becoming a spiritual warrior for God. I’m tired of giving up. My father and mother gave up and cut their lives short by their own actions. Their parents gave up as well suffering tragic endings too. I’ve seen a lot of tragedy in my family with a lot of throwing in the towel. I made a decision in my life that I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. My decision today to go through with this drive, and my decision to keep healing holistically, is all part of a bigger plan. One where God can one day use me as an inspiration for others who are going through trials and tribulations. Giving up on my drive, giving up on my healing, and giving up on my life, would prevent that dream from happening.

Incidentally, I’m writing this now in a Starbucks at my destination. Along the way, I made several stops to get out and stretch when I started to feel overwhelmed. I followed within the speed limit and actually arrived three hours sooner than I was supposed to.

I feel pretty amazing right now. Regardless of the pain, I’ve had a smile on my face and thanked God for giving me the strength to get here. My partner has no idea yet that I’m here. He’s in school right now and because I arrived early, I have time to kill that I didn’t expect I would have. It’s funny how these things happen. It’s funny how when I shut the old tapes off and made a decision from my spirit, what I can accomplish.

While the drive may seem like a small thing, it’s really not. It represents a small victory in the bigger picture of my life. One that I am going to win with God at the center of it. I am healing holistically. It has taken awhile, and I know there is never an end to the generic healing process one goes through in life to getting closer to Source. But what I do know is that there will be an end to these short term chronic pain issues that I’ve been dealing with as long as I keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and telling myself just like the little red engine did, that I can do it too.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Pointing The Fingers

It’s real easy to point a finger at something my brain says doesn’t seem right in this world. There are lots of things around me everyday that I notice don’t seem to add up in a fair sense.

Here are just a few of them:

1. People speeding up rather than letting a car in that’s trying to emerge

2. People whispering at meetings about things they heard about someone else

3. Seeing on the news another shooting and more talk about gun control

4. So many blaming the president for the woes of our nation

5. Noticing yet another reality show that highlights the craziness of yet another family

6. Watching person after person go by a homeless person who’s hand is outstretched and receiving nothing

7. Hearing about how it’s unfair that athletes earn so much money

8. People saying one thing to the masses and then doing another

9. Churches stating they are all-welcoming but rejecting people from various backgrounds

10. Criminals get away with light sentences for serious crimes because they have money to get a good lawyer

The list really could go on and on. Here’s the reality. With just about every judgement that I place out there and every finger that I point at the ills of this world, I am guilty on some level of doing those same exact things.

Let me get back to the list but answer them from my deepest truths.

1. Many times I’ve sped up on the highway when I saw someone merging in to “beat them out” or to “be first” because “I was there first”.

2. I lost track of the number of times that I have gossiped to someone else about a person that relapsed on their addiction or that was doing such and such behavior.

3. I’ve been to a gun range and been friends with people who loved to sport their guns and gun licenses.

4. I’ve shouted at the TV or to a friend many times about how the president was crappy and causing this problem and that problem.

5. I’ve thought about how a reality show on my life would be better than what I see being put in the airwaves.

6. I’ve ignored homeless people when I had a dollar in my public judging that that would just spend it on alcohol or drugs.

7. I earned large sums of money in jobs years ago where I wasn’t really doing much of anything except dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s.

8. I’ve stood up on a podium in meetings and spoken about how wonderful my life was and how good I was to everything and everyone and outside of those meetings, was swearing often, lying regularly, and living in other addictions day to day.

9. I’ve been a member of different types of groups such as my fraternity that rejected people for the way they looked, the way they acted, their lifestyle, and more.

10. I was arrested for stealing a long time ago and because my father had money and was able to afford a good lawyer, “it went away”.

The truth is that it’s easy for me to look at the misfortunes of society and comment negatively on any of it. It’s easy to do it because on some level I’m guilty of what I’m condemning.

I look at all these things now. When I find myself judging someone or something, I look in the mirror and ask myself where have I been guilty of this. I’m a firm believer that anytime I feel negative towards something outside of me or anytime I point the finger at someone else that I think is living sideways, I need to look within and see what is it about myself that I don’t like or that I haven’t dealt with.

All of those things I listed above I work on today and ask God for guidance on. Here’s that list one last time.

1. I drive much slower on the highway or on any road today and I try to allow a car to merge in when I see them attempting to do so.

2. I stay away from gossip as best as I’m capable. I stay away from people that live in that mode.

3. I stay away from guns, I don’t support guns, and I don’t have any friends who have guns or carry guns. I don’t even play games that are “shoot ’em up” type games. I’m even beginning to not like going to the movies and seeing over the top gun based violence movies.

4. The President is a figure head. There are many people that are part of how laws and legislation get passed. Because the nation is a certain way, trickles down all the way to me and I know that any woes of the nation is due to all of us and not just one person. I admire any president for standing firm in all of that attack they get daily from people angry with the state of the nation.

5. I don’t watch any of those reality shows anymore about any family. I don’t expose myself to those types of programs that highlight the things some might find as silly or crazy. My life is crazy enough sometimes and it’s a reality show just to live it. I don’t find a need to see it on TV too.

6. If I have a dollar bill in my wallet, I will give it to a homeless person. If I have some loose change, I’ll give it to a homeless person. I could be that homeless person one day. How they spend that dollar or whatever sum I was to give them, is between themselves and God.

7. I learned that the more money I earn, the more I seem to spend and the more I seem to spend the more I need more money. All I felt towards athletes was jealously that I no longer had large sums of money that they are earning. Truthfully, I don’t watch sports anymore on TV and I traditionally don’t go to sporting events. Money isn’t ruling my life currently like it used to.

8. What I say at a meeting today is the exact way that I live my life outside of a meeting. I do not live two separate lives anymore.

9. Anything that I am a member of now or any group that I take part in, I am open about my lifestyle and I am open that I accept everyone equally. If there is any hesitancy to accepting that or me, I do not go to those places.

10. I haven’t committed a crime since my drinking and drugging days for starters. And, I also realized that I don’t know all the truths to any crime that I see on the news or in the papers. I’m just hearing the news’s side of things. So anything I may say is just my own judgement of what’s being presented to me.

The bottom line is that for every finger I’ve pointed at someone or something else that I didn’t like in my life, I need to point that same finger if not all of my fingers back at myself. The more that I work through my judgements and negativity, and the more that I look within and ask God for guidance, the more I find myself accepting all of these things.

It really is true that when I point a finger, I’m guilty of something related to that within myself. By asking God for guidance on revealing those things, I have seen a much greater level of peace in my life towards everything and everyone.

 

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur

A Testing of Faith

Faith is a strange thing. It’s easy to say that I’m faithful when everything is going great in my life. When I’m on the top of the world earning great money, where my health is awesome, where I have a great relationship, and where my social calendar seems quite full, sure it would be easy for me to say that life is grand and that I have faith in God’s plan for me.

How about the reverse? Where is my faith when I’m unable to work and am earning no money?Where is my faith when my health is filled daily with chronic pain? Where is my faith when most of my friendships have disappeared and where my weekend nights are spent alone? I’ve been pondering these questions a lot lately as I continue to deal with a shift that I’ve been praying is an energetic one to raise my spiritual vibration.

First, what is the definition of faith in God (or a Higher Power). It is when one makes the Words of God (or Higher Power) the main determining factor for every action you take, and remaining at peace whether you know the outcome or not.

Not too long ago I remember feeling like I was living on top of the world. I was earning $82,000 a year, had a partnership with a person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, had all the latest and greatest gadgets, owned a nice single family home, had two cars, and a nice retirement building up. Back then the excitement of my life consisted of living in the indulges of what this world had to offer. Traveling often, dining out frequently, engaging in multiple sports leagues, shopping for whatever I wanted and thought I needed, and often being driven sexually either with my partner or on the web with images and chatrooms.

I went to church at that time in my life. I did weekly bible studies too. I even was serving communion and had become a Deacon. And I told everyone how faithful I was in God and that God was rewarding me daily with plenty of abundance. Using the definition of faith in God that I just wrote in here, I knew the outcome of where I was at every day. There were relatively little surprises in my life at that time. And other than some minor incidences that I call hiccups in my life, my life went pretty smoothly and I made sure to always present to others that I had faith.

Faith is truly the absence of proof of anything tangible. Faith is something that one does not go around and tell everyone it is within themselves. Faith is walking through ANY situation and being ok with it no matter if the results are favorable or not.

Somewhere along the lines, things fell apart in my life and things became very unfavorable. I turned to addictions to sustain my life force and vitality. I chose quick highs to keep myself going. As the years passed, I lost that partner. I lost my home. I lost my business. I lost most of the money I had saved up. I lost many friends who I thought were close to me. And then over the course of the past three years, I lost my health and my ability to work. Since then, I have been in chronic pain with serious Fibromyaliga, prostatitis, and severe sciatica and numbness on my left leg and foot. Add in depression and anxiety and that is my current state of health.

So where is my faith now? Where is my faith in God? I wish I had the perfect story to share. I wish I could say that I felt everyday that everything is going to be ok and that God is going to get me through this and that all this was a healing process. I can’t say that. Where I once walked around with my head up high telling everyone how much faith I had. I find myself questioning God a lot. I find myself asking if God exists a lot. I find myself asking if there really is a plan for me. My faith has been shaken. On most days when the pain is high like today or like yesterday, I find myself asking those closest to me if I’m ever going to make it through this. Where I’m at now I find myself reflecting on the story of Job a lot.

I love the story of Job. Job is a wonderful story in the Bible that although I’m not religious, I love to read and reflect on it. Job had everything and then he lost everything. Job was faithful to God when he had everything and even when he had nothing. And even though Job didn’t understand why he lost everything for a period of time, he continuously prayed and asked God for understanding. The worst Job ever got was cursing the day his own birth happened and demanding God take his life. And Job eventually did have God speak to him and after God spoke about faith, Job was rewarded with everything he lost and then some. Job had lost his wife, his land, his ability to work, his children, and his health. And Job gained it all back at the end. How much time in between did the losses last for? It never says. I wish it did.

It’s been 9 months now where I’ve been living free from all things that I would say are poison to a spiritual life. I have a very diligent list of spiritual things I do each day to keep me on that path. And while I everyday thank God for making it through one more day of what I endure, I do find myself often asking why I’m here and going through all this now. I find myself asking if God has a plan for me through all of this. I pray a lot throughout the day. Much of it is me just asking for strength and help to make it through one more day, one more hour, one more minute, or even one more second of the pain I endure.

I’m not taking drugs or medicines to deal with what I’m dealing with. I was reacting violently to every medication when I tried that route and also feeling extremely numb and indifferent to life. I was either a zombie then or a sponge for pain now. Truthfully I’d rather be a sponge for the pain right now as I at least am able to feel tears, my sadness, and my emotions in general.

On any of the drugs I used to take, or any of the medications, or even with any of the people I put in my life to chase after, all of it just numbed me from the pain that was there. It wasn’t healing any of it.

I’m not sure what I believe right now in this moment on what’s happening to me. I wanted to write an article that showed my truth. The real me. I had written a lot of hopeful stories so far about my life that all are indeed very true. But there is also much in my life that is challenging that I would not wish upon anyone and I felt today it was necessary to share those truths with the level of pain I’m feeling today.

I know one thing. My faith is being tested. I pray to God everyday to make it through this and to heal holistically. I pray to become a complete servant for God’s needs. I pray that I don’t ever go back to the toxic living that I once did not too long ago. I pray that my DNA makeup in my body will shift to drive me down spiritual paths rather than the toxic ones. And I give God thanks at the end of each day in a journal writing down at least nine things that happened that day that I was appreciative of.

Does God exist?

If so, is He watching me?

Is all of what I’m going through a test of my faith?

Is all of what I feel just a shift to make me spiritually healthier?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. I do know one thing. I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing, which is praying to the God that I believe is there, to the God that has gotten me this far, and to the God that has sustained me through so much already. And I’ll hope that one day I’ll see this from a better perspective, one where I can look back and understand why it is that I went through it all in the first place.

Regardless, I will keep on sending out my love to God and trusting in an old AA saying, “This Too Shall Pass…” And in doing that, I know I am being faithful…

Peace, Love, Light, and Joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson