“I’m Sorry.” Two words I’ve said many, many times throughout my life.
There are two ways I’ve said I’m sorry in my life that weren’t healthy and meaningful for my spiritual growth. This entry talks about the first of them.
The first time I ever mouthed the words I’m sorry can be traced back to when I was just a child, living in the home of my alcoholic-based family. My parents fought all the time. Yelling and screaming were common. Deafening silence was also just as common. Everyone was always on edge and my sister and I did everything we could to stay out of the way of upsetting our parents anymore then they always seemed to be.
For any person active in any addiction, things that go wrong are never their fault. At least that is what they tell themselves. It’s always everyone else’s fault. The fingers are pointed. The blame is directed outward. With my parents, blame came my sister’s and my way quite a bit. After my mother passed away some years ago, my sister and I found letters in her house that we both wrote as kids saying we were sorry for all the yelling and screaming they did. We wrote many words on many pieces of paper to them apologizing for all the fighting they did.
Sadly, there were many things that happened in my childhood home that were never mine or my sister’s fault yet we took the blame. We said “I’m sorry” almost as if it might make them be happier with each other and with us. Life in an alcoholic household always seemed to be like a ticking time bomb to when the next rage filled discussion was going to happen. I can remember feeling like I was walking on a tightrope with everything I did. Alcoholics aren’t happy when themselves and because of that, they aren’t happy with anything around themselves either. So for my sister and I, anything that we did regardless of how much perfection we tried to place into it, always seemed wrong in my parent’s eyes. Thus there were many days that those words “I’m sorry” came out of our mouths.
Unfortunately, living that way for so many years created a pattern for both my sister and I. Throughout our lives since leaving home, we have found ourselves saying those words in many different situations that weren’t our fault. For me, I continued to take the blame for things happening negatively in my places of employment, with friendships, with relationships, and with anything for that matter even though I knew inside it wasn’t my fault.
I have to work very hard today to realize that when things go wrong around me, they aren’t always my fault. In fact, in most cases today with me living in a God-centered life, rarely are they my fault. My last stint of having to face this issue head on, to conquer it and move on came over a year ago when I was hanging around with an active drug addict who I thought I could help save. His marriage was falling apart. His finances were falling apart. His world was crumbling all around him and he was lashing out at me day after day after day. He blamed me for everything going wrong in his life and I began to realize at some point that I was taking ownership of his crazy life saying “I’m sorry” for things that weren’t my fault. Thankfully, I parted ways with that person after coming to understand this lesson.
One of the main things that I’ve had to do since then to ensure my spiritual growth towards God is to remove all the people in my life who are actively suffering from any addiction. Sadly, for those people that still are, they live in the footsteps of people like my mother who refused to look at themselves and take ownership of the chaos they were creating around them. They will always blame everyone else for their problems until they are ready to look in the mirror and point the finger at no one but themselves.
Living as best as I’m capable today in a God-centered, selfless reality has helped me to see that I’m not responsible for all the bad things that might happen around me even when people say it’s my fault. Through my spiritual growth and a deeper connection with God, I am able to see clearly now when someone is projecting their stuff on me as well as when it really is something I need to take ownership of.
Thank God today I don’t find myself saying “I’m sorry” for everything bad that happens. I feel a lot lighter because of it.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson