The longer I remain clean and sober and doing my best to live out a life of healthy recovery, the more I seem to get a taste of my own former medicine by being on the receiving end of behaviors I once did with regularity to others that ended up hurting them. One such behavior was pushing my close friends aside for my sexual interests and romantic pursuits.
If there’s one thing I did quite hurtfully far too often during my addiction years, it was to draw friends in really close, showing them they matter, developing a heart connection with them, only to abandon them altogether or drastically pull back from them once any sexual interest or romantic pursuit came along. Most frustratingly, I’ve been on the receiving end of this in recent years.
I’m thankful it happened to me though, so that I truly know how it felt to those I did the same behavior to, but far worse, years ago. I almost lost my best friend Cedric to this very pattern, always placing him second to every one of my sexual interests and romantic pursuits. I did the very same thing to another close friend Dexter, constantly leaving him regularly feeling like he was chasing after a carrot on a stick, watching it get pulled back time and time again. And you know what, sadly and regrettably, my behavior wasn’t too far off from that, yet I never once stopped to think about how he or Cedric might have felt each time I did this. Instead, I selfishly assumed they understood because in my mind, sexual interests and romantic pursuits were paramount to all other interests, including developing deeper friendships.
In fact, I was so selfish and self-centered back then, consumed with my own needs, wants, and desires, that I lost sight over and over again of what was far more important, that being to nurture my friends loving hearts who were there for me long before those sexual interests and romantic pursuits ever came around. And even worse, I always expected those friends to still be there for me each time those sexual interests and romantic pursuits didn’t work out or were in some type of jeopardy.
Being on the receiving end of another one of my old addictive patterns of behavior has helped me to see this is the very thing I did to so many others like Cedric and Dexter. It’s also made me think of a number of others I did it to as well like my sister Laura, my friends Marvin, Louie, Debbie, Scott, and also, Randy, a friend I once loved dearly who eventually left my life because of this very behavior.
While I’ve worked hard to do a living amends for this by investing more time and energy into the connections that remain in my life these days, I think it’s important the Universe has allowed me to be on the receiving end of this, to specifically feel the pain that comes from this type of selfish addictive behavior. Sometimes I think we all experience a taste of our own medicine from time to time to spiritually grow out of selfish behaviors and into more selfless ones. And this one is proving to be no different.
I truly am sorry to Laura, Cedric, Dexter, Marvin, Louie, Debbie, Scott, Randy, and so many others who deserved far better than they received from me each time I allowed my sexual interests and romantic pursuits to be a higher priority than them. They deserved better which is why I continue to do my best to showing the world today that friendships matter to me deeply, and should never be placed on the back burner for sexual interests and romantic pursuits. Because in the end, what I’ve really learned in my recovery from sex and love addiction is that friendships tend to last far longer than any sexual interests and romantic pursuits ever do…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson