“Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…”
I was brought up in a family that exposed me to church and religion from the day I was born. We were active members of the Community United Methodist Church in Poughkeepsie, NY where my mother was an ardent participant of the bell choir and my father was one of the layman. Going to church every Sunday morning for the 11am service meant putting on my most uncomfortable clothes, sitting in a very hard wooden pew, being ushered to the alter steps to hear the Pastor’s kids talk that never made much sense to me, spending at least 30 to 45 minutes after that listening to a lecture in a hot Sunday School classroom, and finally having to spend at least 10 to 15 minutes shaking all these strangers hands in Fellowship Hall while they ate donuts and drank coffee. The best part of my Sundays were when we drove out of the church parking lot and headed to brunch.
While I may have been exposed to God during all those Sundays in the first 18 years of my life, I didn’t absorb much of it. I thought God was a person that the pastor only communicated with and that I would one day be able to if I gave enough money to his church. I also thought God was the one that allowed all those bad things to happen to me in my life like being molested, having alcoholic parents, watching them die at their own hands, or seeing one of my best friends pass away from a terrible illness. Even worse, I had done many bad things when I had been active in my addictions and I was deathly afraid of what God thought of me. So when I finally decided to enter recovery for my alcoholism and drug addiction, I hesitated at Step 2. How was I going to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity when the idea of God brought out so many feelings of anger and fear? My first sponsor in AA helped me to get beyond this dilemma. She said something so profound and yet so simple that I became able to move beyond any hesitation with this step.
“Believe that I believe that a Power greater than myself will restore you to sanity…”
All she was asking for me to do was believe that she believed. For a God that seemed so distant all my life and one that I felt caused me great pain, believing that she believed differently, was much easier to grasp. So I did that. I believed that she believed in a Power that would restore me to sanity and I believed that it was a different Power than the one I had been exposed to my whole life.
There are tons of reasons why Step 2 can be challenging for people to grasp and get beyond. Some people may be atheists or agnostic and find it hard to do this step because of that. Some people may be lesbian or gay and find it hard to believe in a Power when they’ve been told so often that their lives are a sin and that this Power says so. Some people may have done so many terrible things in this world that their shame and fear of what that Power thinks of them prevents it from happening. And others may have been so overexposed to religion as children that they’ve gone in the complete opposite direction from ever seeking out that Power.
The 12 Steps, and Step 2 specifically, is not religious based. It’s not based upon any sect or denomination or specific walk of faith. It’s not based upon any type of church or cult. It’s simply just a belief that a Higher Power is there and can restore everyone to sanity.
If you are finding it still hard to believe that any Power exists higher than you to restore you to sanity, believe that I believe there is. I was once you, and today I believe.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
