Month: April 2013

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all…”

Recovery is a funny thing. The more I’ve recovered from my addictions, the more I’ve seen how many people and institutions I harmed when I wasn’t recovering from those addictions and the more its gotten clearer just how sick and toxic I was.

When I first sat down to work on this step, I came up with thirty names of people and institutions who I knew I had harmed and owed amends to. Over the years since then, the list has grown directly proportional to the growth that I’ve made in my relationship with God.

Quite often, our egos get in the way of seeing a situation more clearly where we may have caused harm. They may get bruised or they may feel twinges of fear in facing an amends that could bring about that much needed healing and growth that recovery is meant to bring. So instead, those amends may never make it on the 8th Step list and the release from that guilt and shame never comes.

Very similar to the 4th Step Turnarounds, a thorough 8th Step includes writing down where one was selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid for each of the people or institutions listed. Something that I noticed when I finished writing this step was how all of those entries showed me that I’ve been an insecure person for most of my life and through that insecurity, I acted out in addictions and caused great harm to others. In every single case, my insecurity drove me to selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fear based behaviors, each of which harmed someone or something.

As my self-will has decreased over the years in my recovery, I have become more willing to see where my addictions took me and the great harm that I caused to so many because of them. The more I’ve become willing to see where my addictions took me and the great harm I’ve caused to so many, the more I have become willing to write down the names of all those people and institutions I’ve harmed where I once thought they were at fault. The more I have become willing to write down all the names of all those people and institutions I’ve harmed where I once thought they were at fault, the more I have been able to recover from my addictions. The more that I’ve been able to recover from my addictions, the more I’ve been able to grow closer to God. The more I’ve been able to grow closer to God, the less I’m harming anyone or anything anymore. And the less I’m harming anyone or anything anymore, the more I realize there’s a good chance I won’t have to write a big amends list ever again.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings…”

For a long time I ignored this step completely. In fact I mentioned this is my previous posting, as I skipped over doing much, if any work on both Step 6 and 7 the first time I went through the steps. Today, I’m looking at this step with a very different set of eyes, and definitely a very different heart.

Next to the word God, the most important word in this step for me is “Humbly”. I looked up the definition of humble and found this one to really speak to me.

Humble – “To show a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.”

Essentially how this step was written speaks to placing ourselves second to God and in doing so, a desire comes forward within each of us to be free of all of our shortcomings. So we then ask God because of this to remove those character defects and shortcomings. How well one does with this step, really depends on how much of one’s ego has lessened in the step work up to this point.

The first time I did Step 7, my ego was still primarily in charge of my life. The most I did for this step was to quickly bow my head and say, “Please God remove my shortcomings…” and then move on to beginning Step 8. I think it’s important to highlight at this point the same thing I did in yesterday’s entry. I realize today that if I choose to live in any part of my own self-will, that it’s impossible for me to have God remove ALL of my shortcomings. Hypothetically, let’s say that I choose to operate out of 10 percent of my own self-will giving God the other 90 percent. What that essentially is saying is “that I’m ok to handle 10 percent of my life on my own God”. So what happens then with all those things that go awry in that 10 percent of the time for me? I end up trying to still run the show, arranging it as I think it’s supposed to go, and getting more than not, disastrous results. The ego is a funny thing. My ego early on in recovery didn’t want to give up control in every area of my life to something unseen and unknown. It felt it could still operate on some level running the show, maybe for a few matinees here and there. And every time I tried to run one of those shows, my character defects came glaring out and went no where except creating more chaos around me. Thus I wasn’t able to get much benefit out of this step because I still was living in my own ego-centric world, one where my self-will was greater than God’s will and one where I wasn’t humble hardly at all.

This is why I continue to highlight how important the 3rd Step is to turning over one’s ENTIRE will to God. I know the 3rd Step doesn’t have that word in it. And maybe the steps were written the way they were for each individual to figure this out with their journey in finding God. All of I know is that by turning my entire will over to God each day I wake up, I am desiring to have God remove all of my character defects and I’m able to ask God to do just that without any reservation during my prayers.

I know all of us have free will, and free will essentially becomes self will run riot over time. I never had much success with free will and almost every show I tried to run got bad reviews. I don’t want to operate today in control of my own destiny and life. I know my happiness will only come from God being fully in charge. With that being said, when God is in charge, I see all of my shortcomings pretty clearly which brings quite a bit of humbleness out within me. And because of that, I absolutely, without a doubt, find myself asking God to humbly remove ALL of those shortcomings that may still exist within me.

Peace, love, light and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character…”

When I first came to this step with my sponsor in AA, I had just completed the second of the two days of reading my 5th Step. She told me that my next task was to go take an hour of time and reflect upon the words of Step 6. In all honesty, I’m not sure if I did. In fact, I’m pretty sure I didn’t. I don’t remember spending an hour in complete silence meditating on it. I don’t remember reflecting on this step’s words or its description in the recovery books. Truthfully, I don’t remember doing much of anything with this step. The fact of the matter is that I wasn’t ready to have God remove all of my defects of character at that point in time. I was determined to stay sober and learn more about what true recovery was, but I still wanted to maintain part of my own self will which kept me back at some resistance with Step 3.

I went through the 12 steps for the very first time between October of 2007 and January of 2009. During my step work throughout that time, I continued to maintain unhealthy friendships, unhealthy behaviors, and engaged in other addictions that weren’t alcohol or drug related. I mentioned this back on my entry for Step 3 in that unless one turns over their entire will to God, the rest of the steps will only bring some benefit to a person going through them.

That’s what happened to me.

So the reality was that I wasn’t ready for God to remove all of my defects of character the first time I went through this step. I wanted to keep some of my free will and still get highs off of toxic behaviors that I was doing. Unfortunately, this tainted my work on this step as well as all the rest of the work I did with the other steps the first time I did them. I have since gone through the 12 steps a second time and have found much greater benefit from them. I believe that was due to my turning over my entire will to God on my 2nd attempt. This is why I place such importance on the 3rd Step in my recovery.

It’s as simple as saying this…

If I did not wish to turn over my entire will to God, then how could I have been ready to remove all of my defects of character when I was still living in them and creating more.

I am grateful today to know that I turn over my entire will over to the care of God each and every day and for this, I am also constantly remaining open to God to remove all of the character defects that may still exist within me. I’ve found that when God is placed at the center of my day now as I start it, that I’m able to see situations before they happen where I might have once instead been falling down a character defected path.

To do the 6th Step today, I believe it’s critical to spend an hour meditating on all of the work that is done in the steps up to that point. I believe it’s even more critical to be entirely sure that one is doing everything they can to place God in the driver’s seat. And I believe it’s most critical to know that one will never find full recovery in their life from any of their addictions nor be rid of their character defects, if they’re not entirely willing to let go of their old selves.

I close with this thought to ponder…

Once I decided to have God drive my bus of a life completely, it was natural for me to want God remove all of my defects of character and unnatural for me to want to still hold onto and live in any of them.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson