A few nights ago I went out to dinner after an AA meeting with a couple of friends. Another person from that meeting also joined us and ended up sitting next to me. I listened intently to him throughout the evening as he spoke of a lonely life he was living every day, which was greatly reminiscent of how I once felt.
He talked of how he’s spent the past six years being single during which he resorted to occasional quick hook ups and watching pornographic material on the Internet to deal with his loneliness. Upon hearing this, I shared with him about all the same unhealthy things I did to keep myself from feeling those very same emotions and how it destroyed my mind, body, and soul in doing so. I mentioned specifically about my affairs with married and partnered men, and the damage those relationships did to me, and all he could say was that he wished he could have those same experiences because something was better than nothing.
When I asked if he’d be willing to go through a period of sexual refrain so that he could work on loving, healing, and embracing himself a little more, he indicated he felt he had done enough through his state of being single for so many years. What’s ironic about that statement is that it’s one I used to say quite often to myself. For many years, I too was single and felt that being in that state was enough for me to learn to love myself. But during that time, I never totally faced being fully alone and instead occupied most of it with watching porn, chasing after unavailable and unhealthy people, and living in other addiction based behaviors.
I’m firmly convinced today that it is inherent to have a good capacity of love for oneself before any successful long-term intimate relationship can ever develop. To put it in another way, how could I ever have loved anyone else unconditionally, if I couldn’t look in the mirror on any given day and say I truly loved myself?
During all those years where I refused to work on finding that love for myself, I brought all sorts of people into my life that were just like me who didn’t love themselves either. Each and every one of those relationships was a just a mirror for myself to see more clearly who I really was inside. So when I was with dominant, controlling, and abusive men, it’s because I was also the same. And when I was with mentally and emotionally imbalanced as well as codependent men, it’s because that was I as well. Until I began spending that quality time with me and only me, I continued to find other broken men who forced me to see those areas of my life that needed to be healed the most, or I kept myself numb with various addictions such as watching porn.
After a period of celibacy and spending a lot of time alone to get to know myself much better, the healing of those broken parts within me began occurring and my love for myself started growing much greater. It was then that God saw fit to bring into my life a partner who was much healthier than just about everyone else I’ve ever been in a relationship with. While my partner does still mirror parts of me that I need to continue to work on, our relationship is not toxic like all my previous ones were. And I think it’s important to note that those previous ones were only toxic because I was, but without consciously knowing that, I sought others that were just like me to teach me that lesson.
It’s my hope and prayer that the man I had dinner with the other night, who could have been a snapshot of me several years ago, will take the time to work on loving himself a little more than he currently does. Until then, sadly, he’ll most likely stay in those same toxic patterns where his loneliness will continue to persist.
While I do still deal with loneliness, it’s not because of how I’m living my life anymore. It’s not because I don’t love myself enough. And it’s not because I’ve surrounded myself with toxic relationships and addictions. It’s only because I long for a closer relationship with God and it’s my daily prayer that it develops more and more as I continue to work on loving and healing myself daily.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
