Ok, I admit it, I’m a neat freak. But sometimes that’s not always a good trait, especially when it comes to someone who is the exact opposite of that. I recently spent a few days away at a friend’s townhouse on Cape Cod where being neat ended up becoming a thorn in that friend’s side, but more on that in a moment.
I wasn’t always such a neat and organized person. As a kid it definitely wasn’t the case as my room was often messy in the home I grew up in. Throughout college, especially in my fraternity days, I also could have cared less about keeping things clean in the places I lived, mostly because I was more worried about getting drunk or high. Somewhere alone the lines though, I began to notice a sense of anxiety arise within me when piles and piles of stuff started to accumulate around me in the places I found myself living in.
I have often wondered if my being a neat freak may have started as a substitute addiction in itself when I first got sober. For the longest time since that day, I had no real relationship with God and avoided doing any real recovery work. Because of this, my life often got out of control and this may have been the main reason why I started keeping any of my dwellings so neat and organized solely for it being the only control I felt I had in life. Regardless, most would say that it is a good trait to have and I would probably tend to agree, except in those cases where it deals with someone who is the polar opposite. What I mean by that can simply be summarized by stating that where I get anxiety when things are cluttered, there are those too who get the same feeling but only when things are completely clean and in order around them. There is a television show that has become quite popular out there called Hoarders which has shed some light on people who are like this.
In a nutshell, hoarding is a condition where people have an extreme difficulty throwing things away and keeping their places spic and span. While Hoarders may demonstrate only the extreme cases of that condition, there are many more minor situations of it, such as with that friend I mentioned earlier. While I may not fully understand what causes people like them to hoard things, I have come to believe that it is as much of an addiction as alcohol, drugs, sex, and gambling were for me. In doing those addictions, I remained numb for many years from the mental and emotional baggages, traumas, and insecurities within me. It is my belief that this same principle holds true with hoarders. Keeping things in a disorganized state can help a person focus on all the messes around them instead of looking within at their “inner clutter”.
In my journey to get rid of all my inner state of turmoil, I have found the only answer is to turn over my ENTIRE will to the care of God each and every day. This solution truly has helped me to move away from all of my addiction seeking behaviors. The more uncluttered my life has become inside, the more it has become the same outside as well. So while being such a neat freak may have started out early on as an addiction, lately it has become more of just a way of being although I still am uncomfortable when things get cluttered around me. Unfortunately, that way of being can sometimes still cause problems such as it did on that recent trip to a friend’s place on Cape Cod.
When I arrived there, things were unlike how they were the last time I had visited when it was mostly spotless and uncluttered. Immediately I felt uncomfortable upon walking in and my first reaction was that I needed to clean. When I offered my services to do that, I was promptly turned down. Upon going upstairs to the room I was staying in, I noticed there was disorganization in it as well. Without thinking, I cleaned the room up and put things away in the closet so that at least the room I would be sleeping in had some order. What I didn’t realize with that action nor with a few of the others that I did around the house, that my friend was getting more and more uncomfortable. So while I tried to get my world more in control and less anxious, my friend’s world got less in control and more anxious. The end result was my friend asking me to head home early as they weren’t feeling very relaxed on their vacation with me around. At first I was taken aback by this request, but I realized that the two of us were operating on different poles and it would most likely be healthier if I left, so I did.
I know there’s more work for me to do surrounding this as I should be able to co-exist temporarily in someone else’s space that might be slightly disorganized and clutter filled. Thankfully through my prayers and meditations with God, I can see more growth for me to pursue and at least now I have a better understanding of my friend’s condition and how my actions affected them. I think until I can work through more of this, my best course of action may be to stay at a motel instead next time!
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson