In just under a week, I have plans to be in Atlanta, Georgia for the 2015 International AA Convention with my recovery friend Kim from Falmouth, Massachusetts. While I am excited to see her and be a part of a recovery event that happens only once every five years, I’m actually feeling very fearful about the trip for two reasons, one that deals with my health and one that deals with the closest friend I’ve ever had. In either case, I’ve determined the only thing I can do for each is to keep turning them over to my Higher Power, which is God.
The first fear is about something that if you’ve been reading most of my blogs, you’re already going to know a lot about it. Having a mind and body that isn’t functioning at a comfortable level is difficult enough. But travelling by plane to a city and a convention where I will be around tens of thousands of people at any given time doesn’t seem all that alluring to me at the present moment. In fact, I’ve enjoyed spending most of my free time lately being by myself where I don’t have to entertain the constant frustrating comments from far too many people who really don’t understand what and how long I’ve been going through. Regardless, I know I’m doing my absolute best to stay in the healthiest state I can, but even so, my heath issues have made me think about cancelling this trip quite a bit actually in recent weeks. I haven’t though because I have no idea what God has in store for me nor do I have any idea how I will ultimately feel there. In fact, my whole healing process has been a constant rollercoaster, with plenty of ups and downs. But the fact remains that I’m doing everything I possibly can to heal and I know the rest remains in God’s hands. Ironically, I also have just as much concern over my other fear with going to this convention.
This other fear deals with someone I’ve written about before as well, but not for some time. It deals with the friend I originally planned this trip with. Eighteen years ago, we became friends because of AA and while we had plenty of ups and downs throughout all those years, many because of my character defects and sex and love addiction, we somehow always made it through, growing closer than ever. But my move last year to Toledo, away from where he still lives in Massachusetts, triggered something in him, prompting him to pull back from corresponding with me as often and then eventually cancelling his plans to spend the convention with me as well. During our last conversation, which was in late September, I became less and less understanding of the distance he was placing between us and of the actions he was taking, which prompted the decision for him to take some further time to think about things. The last thing he said before we hung up the phone was that he’d be in touch very soon and that we’d work through this like we always have. Nine months have now passed without any contact and my last correspondence to him through an amends letter in the mail was never responded to. While you may think the feelings I have inside about this friend may be of anger and resentment, let me clarify they’re not. What I hold within is sadness and a longing for a friend that understood me better than anyone ever has. The idea of still going to this convention and seeing him there with the friends he chose to be with instead, brings great sorrow within me. And even though I know the odds of running into him isn’t that high given the amount of people that are going to be there, my mind has still run rampant of what I’d say and do if I possibly did.
Both of these fears have reminded me of what someone once told me long ago. They said that whenever we face a choice in life, the one with the greatest fear is the one we’re meant to take, because it’s on that one that God has the greatest chance to demonstrate a miracle. For the past few months, I’ve continued to do just that, by staying with my plan to go to Atlanta for this upcoming AA convention. Sure, I could easily take my will back by cancelling the trip and playing it completely safe, but that’s an awful lot like how I’ve always done things. So I’ve decided that if my health is poor while there, I can always stay by the pool at the hotel and reach out to my partner for love and support. And as for my friend, if the powers may be align our paths while there, I plan to give him a hug and tell him I love him because I know that’s what God would want me to do. In the meantime, I’m going to continue praying about this upcoming trip for God’s will and for God to dispel both of these fears…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson