When someone is going through a very trying time in their life, experiencing heavy trials and tribulations, it’s natural for those close to that person to offer them advice, to suggest things to do, and to provide whatever guidance they think might help them. But I’ve come to learn over time that this isn’t really the best way to help a person who’s enduring pain and suffering. Instead, I’ve learned there’s something far better I can do to help someone in need and that’s to “hold space” for them.
Holding space is when a person is willing to walk alongside another in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. Instead, they open their heart, offer unconditional support, and let go of all judgment and control. This isn’t an easy thing to do because it’s in our nature to want to fix people, give them advice, or judge them for not being further along the path than they are.
I’m just as guilty of doing this as I’m sure many others are as well. But to truly support someone in whatever they’re going through, I’ve found it’s not in my highest good to take their power away by trying to fix their problems, to shame them into feeling like they aren’t doing enough and could do better, or to overwhelm them by giving them more information than they can handle.
So what’s the alternative? Well it’s all about holding space, which means I stay by their side and allow them to make their own choices, to unconditionally love and support them no matter what they’re going through, to give gentle direction when needed, and help them feel safe even when they make a mistake.
I read an article by Heather Plett that helped me understand much of this technique and in it, she provided eight tips on how to do hold space well. They are:
- Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom, instead of having them become overly reliant upon you.
- Give people as much information as they can handle, as too much information leaves a person feeling incompetent and unworthy.
- Don’t take their power away, as this helps to empower the person instead of feeling useless.
- Keep your own ego out of it by not going to the place of believing the person’s success is dependent on your intervention.
- Make them feel safe enough to fail by not offering judgments or shame and instead providing encouragement to take risks and to keep going even when they fail.
- Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness by recognizing the areas in which the person feels most vulnerable and incapable and then offering the right kind of help without shaming them.
- Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. to surface, which allows a person to feel safe enough to fall apart in front of you.
- Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would, as the way you might handle what they’re going through is far different than the way they need or are meant to go through it.
I know this seems like a tall order and trust me, I’ve failed many times trying to hold space for close friends and loved ones over the years. But I’m working daily now on holding space for my current partner and for those closest to me and sometimes I have success and sometimes I don’t. The bottom line is that I’m going to keep trying.
Holding space for someone who’s going through any difficulty in life isn’t easy, but it’s benefits are far greater than when we judge them, make them feel inadequate, try to fix them, or impact their outcome. Instead, we must open our hearts, offer our unconditional love and support, and let go of all judgment and control because in doing so, we will see that holding space can truly help a person no matter what they’re going through…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson