It seems like it’s so hip and trendy these days for many famous people to talk about their recovery from alcohol or drugs. In fact, it’s not so faux pas anymore when anyone says they’re in a 12 Step program for either. But, there is an addiction that most people don’t or won’t talk about publicly if they’ve struggled with it and that’s a sex or love addiction.
I’m not one of those people though. Frankly, I don’t care if people know that my past involves that type of addiction, because it does. The reality is that if no one talks about it, then how is anyone ever going to know there’s hope and healing out there? I have over four years now of recovery from this addiction and in all honesty, this addiction destroyed my life far worse than alcohol or drugs ever did.
I lost many good friends because of the behaviors I did during my acting out years with it. For example, I once had a best friend back in the Boston area who was one of the most unconditionally loving, kind, and caring people I’ve ever met in my entire life, but I let my behaviors of this disease literally implode it. And I could never see it for what it was because I was so blinded by my sickness.
There are a number of other individuals as well who saw me go through the worst of this disease and even all these years later they continue to deny my friendship requests or any attempts to make amends as well. I don’t blame them though because who I was, what I did, and how I acted on a daily basis was so far from the spiritual being of light that I am looking to become these days.
Unfortunately, much, if not most of the suffering I’m going through nowadays is directly due to the consequences from this addiction. I’ve had to endure a tremendous amount of mental, emotional, and physical ailments for the past six years that aren’t within a doctor’s range of understanding or help. To put it simply, I literally programmed much of my brain and body in a toxic way with my sex and love addiction and what I’ve been going through is unravelling all of that out of me. And it’s never been pleasant. Truthfully, it’s been downright hell, especially over the past two years.
So how did I act out during all those years that made me this sick?
I used to regularly fantasize about very unhealthy sexual acts that all stemmed from being molested as a young kid and never knowing any better.
I used to watch pornography for hours on end, most of it being with people who looked like me, but were being taken advantage of by others. In other words, being used sexually.
I used to constantly chase after married or other unavailable individuals and fall for them, doing whatever they wanted me to do, all the while hoping they eventually fall for me. None ever did.
I used to engage in phone or cyber-sex more times than I can remember, creating live fantasies of the type of pornography I used to watch.
And I used to constantly juggle at least a few potential intimate relationships at once, so that if one ended or if I grew bored with another, I always had someone waiting in the wings so that I’d never be alone.
The sad thing is there are many people out there in the world doing behaviors just like these and more, every single day. Some of them know they’re sick but don’t know where to turn for help. Others are probably more like I once was, not even knowing just how sick they are becoming and instead thinking what they’re doing is normal and healthy.
But it was never normal and healthy for me, because it totally consumed my entire existence.
It made me very sick and spiritually imbalanced in life.
And it caused me to miss out on so many special things like family engagements, social get-togethers, and even potential long-term relationships.
Thankfully, I’m in recovery for this addiction now and doing pretty well with it. SLAA and SAA have helped me tremendously to get there. While I’m still tempted and maybe always will be on some level, God helps me to keep moving forward with my healing from this disease.
I truly miss my friend from Boston and a number of other people as well that got harmed from this addiction. But while I can’t take back what I’ve done, I can keep on working my recovery and looking to God for the strength to never return to any of the darkness this addiction once brought me.
I know I will fully heal from all of this eventually.
God willing.
It’s just patience and perseverance for now.
May you find courage in these words if you’re still suffering from this disease, as there is hope.
I’m living proof, thanks be to God…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
I admired your willingness to share your personal struggles. I hope as you said, sharing these struggles will help someone else who might not be as willing, but now know they are not the “only one”. I have found through my years of work with others, just being able to talk about something so personal is the first step to change. Tim
Tim, thank you so much for your comments. I’m grateful to know you read this article and for your praise of me, which I give credit to God because it is God who gave me the courage to write things like this. 🙂