For active sex and love addicts, there is usually one thing that drives them the most in their disease. In my case, when mine was at its worst, which was just before I came to recovery for it, it was constantly the thrill of the chase.
Why I once liked the chase as much as I did was solely because it was one of the quickest ways to get my dopamine receptors going at full throttle. And just in case you’re wondering what kind of chasing I’m talking about, here are three of the most prominent examples from my old sex and love addiction playbook.
- The chase of finding the juiciest piece of porn on the web.
- The chase of seeking out the best individual on any given late evening to have a phone or cybersex based conversation with.
- The chase of looking for the most unavailable person, like someone who was married and supposedly straight, hoping to lure them into a sex/love relationship.
What’s sad about the chase though in any of these examples was that as soon as the end result was ever achieved for me, boredom always set in at some point and when it did, I’d immediately start the next chase in some fashion. It was a constant vicious cycle that never had any end point, hence why I was once was so addicted to sex and love.
What’s even more difficult for so many sex and love addicts who love the thrill of the chase is what happens when they attempt to settle into a long-term monogamous relationship. At first, it’s not too hard because the thrill of the chase is even there when the courtship begins. But when all those gushy-gushy feelings and early-on romance dissipates and when the honeymoon phase is finally over, it’s then that the boredom generally settles in. And when it does, it usually proves to be the major triggering factor for a great number of relapses.
In each of my previous relationships that’s precisely what happened to me. Every time this boredom showed up, I’d frequently go to porn or cyber/phone sex to deal with it. Then I’d make excuses in my head that I wasn’t cheating because those behaviors weren’t physically being with someone else. Eventually all those relationships failed because of doing things like this and when they did, I always jumped right back into the thrill of the chase with someone or something else.
Things are vastly different for me these days with the almost five-year relationship I’ve been in. While I have experienced the boredom on many different occasions, I realize now that’s only coming from having lived in the thrill of the chase for over two decades. My mind is quite geared for living in that pattern, thus it’s going to take some time to deprogram it all.
I know I am doing the healthiest thing I can now, by not engaging in this pattern, as none of it was ever spiritually healthy for me nor did it lead anywhere except into despair and depression. That’s why I constantly thank God I’m not living in that thrill of the chase anymore, because if I was, I surely wouldn’t be writing these words right now and instead would probably be in a dopamine high that would only lead to a crash later…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson