“Fishing” and “Intrigue” are probably the two most challenging things I still face in my recovery for sex and love addiction. “Fishing” is the notion of when a person attempts to see if someone their attracted to is also interested in them, while “Intrigue” is the notion of when a person tries to establish through some subtle means such as private jokes, coded comments, or pointed eye contact, that they and a person they find attractive share some special connection.
Unfortunately, I occasionally still find myself engaging in both of these things mostly because of the temporary mental and emotional boost they seem to offer. But why I really pursue them at times is most likely directly related to the three low self-esteem parts of me I haven’t fully worked through yet.
The first is that I haven’t held any job since my bed and breakfast went to short sale in January of 2010, primarily because of the high levels of physical pain that have pervaded my body ever since. Second, I’m not a spring chicken anymore in the sense that I’m 44 years old and am starting to show more and more signs of aging in my physical appearance. And third, I’ve been “off the market” now for five years, which is equal to the longest time I’ve ever been monogamous with anyone.
My ego considers each of these things as something less than, which in turn often creates a drive in me to seek a boost from somewhere else externally. So, what better way to get it than by either throwing my lure out there to someone I find very attractive, hoping they’ll catch it and acknowledge they find the same of me, or by sharing flirtations on a subliminal level with someone I find attractive who’s already a part of my life. That’s at least what my ego attempts to convince me of anytime I’m feeling less than.
But the reality is that neither of these behaviors are beneficial in working through any of the low self-esteem issues that still remain within me, as doing either only temporarily fill that void, until sometime later when I feel empty all over again.
Ultimately, I find there really is only one solution here to moving beyond these behaviors, where I no longer desire to engage in them, and that’s to ask God to fill any of that emptiness up with Him. Frequently that comes by reaching out and helping other suffering addicts in some way, or it may come through spending more time in prayer, meditation, or doing some other healthy spiritual thing.
Nevertheless, “fishing” and “intrigue” aren’t necessarily poisonous to a sex and love addict per say, but they are walking a fine line that can be a slippery slope that heads back into the former addiction itself. Thank God I’m at least aware of these behaviors and can talk about them as openly as I do, because if I wasn’t, there’s a good chance that any of those temporary boosts I occasionally find myself engaging in, would do a lot more harm to me and most likely lead me straight back to a relapse. And that’s not something I ever want to go through again…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
