I’d have to say one of the most challenging things I keep facing these days besides my health issues is watching how my former life of addiction continues to haunt me in the present, even though I’ve been sober for a number of years now. And chiefly the area I’m most haunted by is the number of individuals who may never fully forgive me for how I was when my life of addiction was getting the best of me.
A good example is when I attempted to contact a high school friend recently after coming across his number. The last time we spoke, I was deep into a sex and love addiction and constantly had drama going on. I was suicidal, depressed, and self-absorbed more than not. And I clearly remember every conversation with him was always about me and the craziness I was going through. Now that I’m in a much more clear-headed and stable state, I can only imagine what he was thinking each time we spoke to each other all those years ago. Regardless, there came a point in time back then when he stopped returning my calls because of this and frankly, I didn’t care because I was so sick with my addiction. But now that I’m rapidly approaching five years of continuous sobriety and stability, I’ve been attempting to reconnect with friendships I caused damage to, like with him. Sadly though, after several phone calls and messages went unreturned with him, I had to accept that he had no interest in reconnecting with me. Having once been close enough to him and his wife to be a guest at their small wedding, it was another harsh reminder of where my disease once took me.
I really wish I could say this was an isolated incident, but it’s not, as I’ve gone through this a number of times over the past few years. Several have actually said “thanks but no thanks” and can only remember the damage I inflicted on them. It’s been easier for them to leave our relationship behind in the past and honestly, I don’t blame them. Although I must say, it’s still extremely difficult for me to face this each time it happens, as I feel the loss deep in my heart, knowing my former addiction-based behaviors is what caused this.
But what maybe even more frustrating than those who don’t wish to ever reestablish a connection with me are those who do, yet at the same rate, hold me to standards I will never meet. If I do nine things out of ten in a healthy fashion, showing them how much I’ve spiritually grown and changed for the better, there always comes that tenth thing that I end up screwing up, because I’m not perfect. And as soon as I do, I’m immediately compared to my old self and told I haven’t changed at all, that I’m still that same selfish and self-centered person who only cares about himself.
I so wish people could somehow focus less on this and more on the person I’m trying to become these days, because if they did, they might see how I’d gladly give the shirt off my back to anyone in need, especially those I hurt. But many can’t because they don’t know how to truly forgive me and let my past remain in the past. While others are afraid I may fall back into my life of addiction and hurt them all over again. Trust me I get it, forgiveness is often a hard thing to do, particularly when someone inflicted great harm onto them repeatedly, like I once did to so many.
So, even though I’ll probably never reach perfection in this life, I can safely say that I’m doing my best to make up for all this damage I caused. And although it’s a sad fact that many may choose to overlook this and never become a part of my life again, while others who do overlook it enough to allow me back into their lives may never be able to stop comparing me to my past, I accept it as a reality of living a life of recovery from addiction.
Nevertheless, I’m grateful to God for those who do see the gold in me these days, who do see the blessings I’m trying to regularly bring into this world, as it’s those people who often give me a reason to keep going, to keep growing, and to keep healing, not just myself, but the rest of the world as well.
And maybe one day, those who struggle to see this, who struggle to let go of all the damage I once caused them from my life of addictions, will find true forgiveness in their heart with me. Until then, while I may continue to be haunted by my former life of addictions, I will keep on praying for it and trust that God will do the rest…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
