(Today’s entry was actually written just over a week ago while my partner was away on a retreat and is about a piece of gratitude I found for my sex and love addiction recovery during that period of time.)
As I type these words, my partner is actually away on a retreat for the next few days where we won’t be in contact during its full duration. Five years ago, my ego would have been thrilled with this realization for one reason and one reason only, that being the freedom it now had to act out from a sex and love addiction without any fear of getting caught. But ironically, that thought hasn’t even crossed my mind and shows me how far my recovery from that disease has come.
I can remember back to prior relationships when my partner was away where the first night I was alone, I was either on my computer looking at pornography for hours, chatting on the Internet or phone with various sexual interests, or I was out on “dates” with people I was attracted to and mentally and emotionally cheating the entire time. And quite often, some of those things were usually planned days prior to my partner even leaving.
I find it amazing how I have no desire for any that. It’s almost 1am as I type these words and I think about how I used to call this period of the night the witching hour when my sex and love addiction had me fully in its grips. It was a time where I would be so deep in my disease I’d forget about everything else, even my partner. Yet so far, I’ve continued to miss my other half while eating a salad, watching a show on the SyFy channel, playing a video game on my phone, posting a blog for the new day, writing my gratitude list, and working on this article for a release that will happen about 9 days from now.
It really is a great feeling to not have any desire to act out in an addiction that once ravaged my entire life and robbed me of ever truly knowing myself. My focus is so clear right now that I don’t want to act out on any level and knowing that is a wonderful thing indeed, as compared to where I was six years ago and so many of the years prior.
Back then, that old saying “when the wife’s away, the husband will play” was such a true statement for me. I had very little morals and was only concerned about getting my fix on as much as I could while my partner was away. It’s kind of weird not feeling that temptation anymore, but I’m extremely grateful to God that I don’t. I finally see how my 12 Step work has paid off and know I couldn’t have made it thus far without my Higher Power’s help.
So, as I close out this little entry that really was just a simple piece of gratitude for my sex and love addiction recovery, I plan on spending the rest of my weekend hitting some 12 Step meetings, watching a few movies with friends, and enjoying some tasty food. None of that will involve the viewing of pornography, or chasing after sexual interests, or carrying on sexually-charged conversations over the computer or phone.
Thank God for that and thank God for my recovery that has brought me to a much healthier way of life, one where I answer to a much Greater Calling and one where I know God is watching me, even as I type these words right now, smiling, and saying “Good job my son…”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
