“You can’t save a relationship unless both people are equally invested. It takes a joint effort to make it work. One person trying will never be enough.” (Tony Gaskins)
A close friend of mine has been going through a rough time lately in his relationship ever since he went on a spiritual retreat and became part of a men’s organization to begin healing from his many past wounds. Instead of his partner supporting his new efforts to spiritually grow or making any attempts to work on themselves, they’ve resorted to using guilt, shame, manipulation, and self-pity.
What’s interesting is that I can totally relate to their current dynamics, as I’ve stood in both of their shoes many times throughout my life. Watching someone I’m close to rapidly start to change in front of my eyes because of the healing work they’re doing can feel so very threatening, especially when I’m not working on myself. This is mainly because it creates the feeling that the other person is growing apart from me and in all reality, they actually are. But alas, resorting to guilt, shame, manipulation, or self-pity, instead of looking at myself and doing my own work to heal, has only ever pushed my relationships in the very direction I didn’t want them to go, that being apart.
As for the other side of the coin, seeing someone I care about deeply, avoiding looking at themselves and their own inner wounds, causes a problem for me any time I try to make repeated attempts to get them to do their own healing work. Doing so tends to create resentment in them and a further resistance to change. And ultimately, it’s fear that’s consistently been the element present whenever I’ve stood in either of these shoes. But unfortunately, choosing to live in that fear, rather than focusing on changing myself has only ever caused the demise of those relationships.
You see it’s like two plants sitting next to each other, where one gets watered, while the other does not. The one that does, flourishes, while the other that doesn’t, withers away and dies. This is precisely what happens when one person in any kind of relationship chooses not to water themselves and face their fears, while the other one does.
Thankfully I learned this lesson over time and find myself in a lot healthier connections now because of it, ones where we both are working on healing and growing in our own unique ways, yet united together on a spiritual journey with God more at the helm, than ourselves.
I pray I may always place the focus on healing myself in each my relationships in life and let God be the one to guide those I’m in those relationships with to do their own work, as that truly is the only way I know those relationships can be successful.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
