“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.” (Matthew 17:20)
A close friend of mine asked me recently “Has your suffering been eliminated by your faith?” While I couldn’t give him an emphatic “Yes!”, like I really wanted to because I know it wouldn’t be true, I was grateful I could honestly respond by saying at least some of it actually has been.
You see, without faith, which is pretty much where I was at in 2011, I was living in a constant whirlwind of a sex and love addiction that eventually led me to attempt suicide. That was definitely the worst feeling I’ve ever had in life and the most intense suffering I’ve ever felt as well. Life without faith ultimately led me to believe that there was no other solution than to either continue living in the sick addiction I was or to kill myself and I opted for the latter. Thankfully, I didn’t succeed and have lived to write about it many times over in this blog ever since.
Look, I may not regularly be experiencing the happy, joyous, and free feelings yet that recovery and a life of faith are said to bring, mostly because my physical pain seems to block me from feeling much of that. But I do have at least enough faith, a mustard seed sometimes at best, to keep going, to not take my life, and to continue remaining sober from not just an addiction that almost took my life, but also all the other addictions I once fell prey to. And that alone has moved an incredibly tall mountain out of my life that I never thought could be moved.
It’s also the suffering I’m speaking of, that my faith has eliminated thus far. And without it, I know my suffering would be so much worse. So, in light of that, I’d rather take my life of faith any day, then a life without, because a life without would be sure death for me. And at least with that mustard seed of faith I still have living within me, one very large mountain hasn’t returned and I know the others will eventually be moved away as well.
I pray I may always hold onto at least a mustard seed of faith God, to help me to keep going, to keep believing, and to keep trusting in You, as I know the suffering that comes from without it leads to nowhere but a very dark place, and that’s something I never wish to experience again.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
