Month: April 2017

A Simple Piece Of Gratitude For My Sex And Love Addiction Recovery

(Today’s entry was actually written just over a week ago while my partner was away on a retreat and is about a piece of gratitude I found for my sex and love addiction recovery during that period of time.)

As I type these words, my partner is actually away on a retreat for the next few days where we won’t be in contact during its full duration. Five years ago, my ego would have been thrilled with this realization for one reason and one reason only, that being the freedom it now had to act out from a sex and love addiction without any fear of getting caught. But ironically, that thought hasn’t even crossed my mind and shows me how far my recovery from that disease has come.

I can remember back to prior relationships when my partner was away where the first night I was alone, I was either on my computer looking at pornography for hours, chatting on the Internet or phone with various sexual interests, or I was out on “dates” with people I was attracted to and mentally and emotionally cheating the entire time. And quite often, some of those things were usually planned days prior to my partner even leaving.

I find it amazing how I have no desire for any that. It’s almost 1am as I type these words and I think about how I used to call this period of the night the witching hour when my sex and love addiction had me fully in its grips. It was a time where I would be so deep in my disease I’d forget about everything else, even my partner. Yet so far, I’ve continued to miss my other half while eating a salad, watching a show on the SyFy channel, playing a video game on my phone, posting a blog for the new day, writing my gratitude list, and working on this article for a release that will happen about 9 days from now.

It really is a great feeling to not have any desire to act out in an addiction that once ravaged my entire life and robbed me of ever truly knowing myself. My focus is so clear right now that I don’t want to act out on any level and knowing that is a wonderful thing indeed, as compared to where I was six years ago and so many of the years prior.

Back then, that old saying “when the wife’s away, the husband will play” was such a true statement for me. I had very little morals and was only concerned about getting my fix on as much as I could while my partner was away. It’s kind of weird not feeling that temptation anymore, but I’m extremely grateful to God that I don’t. I finally see how my 12 Step work has paid off and know I couldn’t have made it thus far without my Higher Power’s help.

So, as I close out this little entry that really was just a simple piece of gratitude for my sex and love addiction recovery, I plan on spending the rest of my weekend hitting some 12 Step meetings, watching a few movies with friends, and enjoying some tasty food. None of that will involve the viewing of pornography, or chasing after sexual interests, or carrying on sexually-charged conversations over the computer or phone.

Thank God for that and thank God for my recovery that has brought me to a much healthier way of life, one where I answer to a much Greater Calling and one where I know God is watching me, even as I type these words right now, smiling, and saying “Good job my son…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Question To Ponder For The Day

When was the last time you were sick (cold, bug, flu, infection, illness, virus, etc.) and what did you do during the time you were? Did you still go to work, meetings, appointments, i.e. ignore it and keep living your life or did you stay home, taking care of yourself, and rest until it passed? Be as descriptive as you can with the details.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Pain Filter

I often feel like the physical pain I regularly experience acts like a filter to the rest of the world that goes on around me. If you habitually deal with chronic pain on any level, then you probably already know what I mean by this, but if you don’t, let me explain.

Have you ever had the flu? Or some nasty virus that lasted for a short bit of time? Ever got a sinus infection that was overly painful? Or for simplistic purposes, what about a bad cold, ever got one of those? I’m sure that most of you can say yes to at least one of those and if so, then take a moment and remember how you truly felt the last time you were in the midst of any one of them.

I’d venture to say you probably didn’t like to be around others when it was going on. And I’m sure your patience level was much less with everyone and everything during those times too. Now continue to imagine yourself during your last sickness. Did you still go out to a movie, or take a stroll in nature, or dine at a restaurant, or hang out with friends, or do anything that might normally bring you some happiness when you’re not ill? If you did, I’d venture to say it was extremely challenging for you to enjoy, wasn’t it?

You see, that’s what makes it so hard for people like me who continue to deal with chronic pain. We can’t ever escape it; thus, we only have two choices. We can either remain in our homes becoming hermits or we can force ourselves to go out and attempt to do some of the things that normally would bring a person not in pain, a little happiness and joy. In my case, I have continued to do the latter, which seems to frequently go against what my mind actually wants these days, that being to remain a hermit.

Case in point, anytime I attend my men’s social group on Tuesday nights where everyone is usually laughing, joking, and connecting, I’m usually shifting uncomfortably in my seat over and over again in pain, missing out on so many of those jokes, failing to laugh, and feeling like I’m not even part of the group. That’s the pain filter I’m speaking of.

A few other good examples of this pain filter are when I go to the movies and keep having to get up and go to the bathroom or stretch, which only causes me to miss out on ever becoming fully engrossed in the film. Or when a group of friends choose to go dancing, bowling, or some other type of physical activity, where the best I can do if I go with them is watch from a bench while I ache. Or when I go to one of my many recovery meetings and fail to absorb most of what people are saying, instead hearing “blah blah blah” because I’m screaming inside my body over the level of pain I’m going through.

This is the pain filter I’m talking about and it’s like having the flu all the time. It disseminates most of the joy away from me, preventing me from ever really having a good time with anything. What’s even worse is when people tell me to smile when they see me out and about, while they themselves are living in a body that’s either medicated to numb their pain enough so that it doesn’t bother them or they’re not dealing with any pain at all. They have no concept of the pain filter I go through just to be present in the world.

Thus, I write this with the hope of providing a little education to people who aren’t having to deal with this pain filter, who don’t know what it feels like to go out and be social in the midst of having chronic pain. It’s not easy, and having fun, enjoying life, or experiencing happiness, sometimes feels next to impossible for us.

So, until you walk a day in our shoes, you’ll never truly know what the pain filter feels like, that is unless you choose to go out and be social the next time you get the flu or some other type of temporary illness. As I’m sure if you do, you’ll most likely then finally understand this pain filter we go through every day, just to step outside our homes and try to experience life like everyone else.

Try and remember that the next time you tell someone to smile at a social event who says they’re in pain, because that pain filter might not be so easy for them as it is for you. Instead, tell them you’re glad they’re there. Give them a hug. Stay away from offering advice. And really listen to what they’re going through. As there’s a good chance if you do that their pain filter might just get a little less, and they’re joy a little more…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson