Month: July 2017

Gambling is not something that has ever gone over so well in the Dawson household. Neither my father when he was alive, nor myself, have ever been able to do any type of gambling for sheer fun. Usually it was just the opposite, which is why I continue to avoid walking into casinos or any other gambling type of establishments these days, because I know once in them, I’m on a mission to obtain something that really is never going to be obtained there and I had a great reminder of that recently at my partner’s company’s summer outing.

There, we were given $250 of play money when we arrived that could be used in the gaming tent that was filled with real blackjack, craps, and roulette tables and authentic dealers. The goal was to make as much money as one could, where the winnings could “purchase” raffle tickets for prizes to be given away at the end of the day.

I decided it would be harmless to use some of the play money and gamble a little so my partner initially gave me $50. We plopped down at a blackjack table and like always, when I used to gamble, I started out modestly with $5 and occasionally $10 bets. But as soon as I got my first blackjack, I began taking greater risks and within 15 minutes I had lost all of that $50 and had to ask for more of that play money from my partner. Ten minutes later, I had lost another $25.

Even though it was just play money, I still felt lousy as I walked away from that table, convinced that if I had sat down at another one, I would have fared far better in my winnings, or rather losings in this case. As we walked out of the gaming tent, my partner still had $100 left of that play money that on some level, was eating more of a hole in my pocket then him.

It was then I found myself craving sweets and caffeine and although I don’t consume caffeinated beverages anymore, I still do enjoy my sweets, so I grabbed myself a bomb pop from the complimentary ice cream cart and quickly gulped it down like I was still on a mission to obtain something.

Only a half hour would pass before I finally convinced my partner we needed to return to the gaming tent and try another table, assuring him that things would be different this time. Fifteen minutes later I had lost another $50 of that play money. While my partner continued to enjoy placing a few more bets, I opted to head to the bathroom feeling nothing but shame, even though I hadn’t lost a single penny of my own money. As I waited for a port-o-potty to become available, I suddenly remembered my father standing in front of a game of chance at a local carnival some three decades earlier.

There, he attempted to win this prize for me and kept spending one $20 bill after another to obtain something that was probably worth no more than $5. Eventually, the guy in charge of the game just gave my father the prize out of pity for him and we left with my father feeling heated and very angry. I could totally relate, as I continued to stand there waiting to pee.

You see, gambling for my father and I was never truly about obtaining that “prize”, whether it was money or a stuffed animal or anything else. Rather, it was always about obtaining something that would fill the emptiness we felt within, that hole in the soul, which is honestly how all addictions are born in someone.

But gambling, nor any other substance of an addiction, will ever fill that hole. It will also never obtain that which I truly seek in life, which is feeling God’s joy and peace within. Those two things can never be won through a slot machine, a blackjack table, a bottle of booze, a needle filled with heroin, a quick roll in the hay with a stranger, or anything else that creates a temporary high.

So, I’m actually thankful I lost that $125 of play money, because I know if I had doubled or tripled it, or won even greater than that, I probably would have done my best to convince my partner we needed to immediately head to one of the local casinos to see if I could repeat my good fortune, and that alone is why this was such a greater reminder of why I don’t like to gamble…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Have you ever seen someone who looked very attractive to you only to meet them later and discover how unattractive they really were? This is something I’ve experienced far more times than I can count and stems much in part due to the number of years I was overly engaged in a sex and love addiction where the fantasy was always way better than the reality.

Living in fantasy is often a big part of a sex and love addiction and the illusion usually begins with an overt physical attraction. Once that’s established in a sex and love addict’s brain, the mind starts spinning a “wonderful” picture of who this person probably is in real life.

I used to do this all the time with many people I saw in public, especially those who ever made eye contact with me that I thought were really good-looking. As soon as my brain would acknowledge an incredible appeal to someone, I’d begin telling myself that they most likely enjoyed things like cuddling, romantic dates, holding hands, and were a person who lived by their heart with great sincerity and kindness.

Being more of a love addict than a sex-based one, these were the traits my fantasies would tend to create. But none of them ever panned out to be anything even close to that and I had a great reminder of this recently when I was at a local laundromat.

There, as I sat and waited for one of the washing machines to open up, was someone who I immediately thought was extremely pleasing to my eyes. As I sat there and stared a little too much, they made eye contact with me and smiled, which is definitely when the fantasy of a sex and love addict’s brain often begins.

As my brain proceeded to spin the same tale it did for several decades with plenty of others, I became curious to see if what I learned through my recovery work, that being the fantasy was way better than the reality, was also true in this case. So, some thirty minutes later, when I found myself outside wrapping up a phone call, I had my chance when this attractive person emerged and lit a cigarette nearby. It was then I decided to ask if they were from Florida, seeing that the plates on their vehicle were from there.

I somewhat regretted doing so afterward, only because I received a five-minute discourse from them that was filled with plenty of expletives about how Florida was the worst state ever and filled with nothing but slime and filth. I’m not sure I even heard a single positive thing out of this person’s mouth in the brief conversation I had with them. I also learned in that short period of time, that they had been married three times, lived alone in the mountains of North Carolina now, and mostly hated people in general.

I honestly felt like I needed to take a shower after speaking to this person, which was weird because that’s exactly how I used to feel when I slept regularly with people just like them in my past. Nevertheless, I was grateful to have had such a great reminder of how my addict brain can still spin a crazy fantasy of people I tend to find attractive that end with it never being even close to reality.

In today’s day and age, this fantasy-spinning is also something that seems to happen a lot on the Internet on many dating websites. People often get incredibly excited meeting someone online and feel as if they’ve met a match made in heaven, only to find out there too sometime later that the fantasy was better than the reality.

Thankfully, my recovery work from my addiction helped me to identify the traits that constantly led to this behavior both with those I met online and in person. I learned it generally starts with an extreme attraction to someone where I get completely lost in their looks and from there it was continuously downhill.

That’s why I thank God for my recovery every day now because it’s there I learned that it truly is an addict’s trait to create a fantasy that was always way better than the reality. And I think I’d rather remain in reality these days, as there I stand a far better chance in staying away from too many toxic situations that came come from most of those fantasies…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson