It’s hard to believe it’s already the middle of November and the holiday season is now upon us. I feel like life is racing on by while I continue to wait as patiently as I can for guidance and direction from my Higher Power, a much healthier mind and body, and the one thing I desperately want more than anything in life, that being joy.
Some have suggested I might find all of that by just going and trying something new, but so far each of my attempts to do so haven’t had much success and instead only left me in even greater despair and pain. In the past few months I’ve become so exhausted with my life that I find myself struggling on most days to even do the bare necessities.
People would say that’s depression and while I may be experiencing that on some level, it’s only because of the intensity of what I keep having to deal with inside me. Because on the few days where that intensity has subsided even slightly, the depression completely lifts and that’s when I find joy automatically radiating from within.
Nevertheless, this time of the year is notorious for people getting depressed for all sorts of reasons. And seeing all the good cheer going on around those who aren’t feeling that at all makes it so very challenging to navigate through this season for them. I get that completely. I may have a partner who loves me dearly and a warm house to live in as I enter this holiday season and I may also have an abundance of food and water and the ability to go treat myself to a movie or dinner from time to time during it too. Yet the pain I deal with inside me robs me of truly enjoying any of it.
My faith is definitely being tested that’s for sure and I find myself continually asking lately, “God, are you there?” And I wonder if God has seen me crying as often as I have been, while I beg for help and answers. All of which of course is totally working against me being able to appreciate a season that is meant to be synonymous with joy.
Many Christians would say it’s a joy to follow Christ and that this time of the year is all about experiencing that because of the birth of Christ, yet I struggle to feel any of it because of that painful intensity going on within. I told this to a friend of mine recently who said I should just stop focusing on the pain and instead place my attention elsewhere. Trust me when I say I do my best in that, but even with my greatest attempts to do so, Christ’s joy continues to elude me.
If you don’t understand why, try doing the following exercise with someone close to you. Grab their arm with your hand and clamp down on it really, really, really tight, so tight it could actually leave a bruise behind if you did it too long. Now start having a conversation with them, make a joke, or do something that usually would get them to smile, and see what happens. Do they laugh and carry on the conversation with you, or are they just wanting you to stop hurting their arm? I would gather it’s the latter and that’s about on par with why I am not feeling joy hardly at all in my life as I enter another holiday season with that hand clamped down on my arm and everywhere else around my body as well.
I’m sure some may be wondering at this very moment as they read this, why I’m writing in such a depressing way today and why my writing has been more down than up lately. Ultimately, my writing has become an outlet to express my ongoing grief, especially as I enter the depths of yet another holiday season riddled in pain.
I may still have my faith and hope in God, a mustard seed at best right now, but I’m lacking the one thing I really want to have this holiday season, and that’s to experience true joy from within. True joy that’s not based upon receiving or giving some gift, or from any charitable act I do, or anything else that comes from an action outside of me. The joy I seek this holiday season is one I remember experiencing as a kid, one that fully emanated from within, and one that simply came from being alive and loving Christ.
So, that’s where I’m at as I enter this 2017 holiday season and if you happen to be someone who’s also going through something similar, please know I have great compassion for you as well. Know that whatever type of depression you are going through, albeit from health issues, being alone and single, penniless and broke, having family issues, experiencing abuse, or something else altogether, my heart grieves with each of you, as all of us wait upon our Higher Power for guidance, direction, and deliverance into a better place of joy, one that I know we all so desperately need and want in life.
I love all of you and thank everyone for the prayers of healing that are sent my way and to all others who are suffering during this holiday season. I do believe God hears each of them and I remain faithful and hopeful in God that they will be answered when they’re meant to and when they are, I eagerly await that life where I know will be filled with a lot more of Christ’s true joy…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
