In just over a week, God willing, I’ll be attending the 30th Alumni Reunion for my fraternity, Phi Kappa Psi (NY Theta Chapter) at Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT), an organization I joined in a colony status in 1991, prior to becoming nationally chartered in 1992. Originally, I wasn’t intending on going to this reunion due to financial concerns, but after receiving what I believe to be Divine help to make it possible now to go, I was left with another concern and that’s as to whether I’ll still feel a part of our brotherhood anymore.
In my collegiate years, I spent most of my time drunk and/or high. I invested very little in being there for my brothers and was more concerned with pleasing myself than helping anyone else. During the 1991-1992 timeframe, when all my brothers were doing their part to help get our colony chartered nationally, I constantly made excuses as to why I couldn’t take on any greater responsibilities to help make that happen. Other than being Rush Chairman during that period, where my goal was solely to set up fun events to bring in new candidates each semester, I invested most of my time looking out for my own interests, even with that position.
Although I became a founding father (Badge #35) when our chapter was finally inducted into Phi Kappa Psi nationally, I never truly felt I deserved the honor. I’d spend the rest of my college years after we were founded hiding from that feeling by drinking and drugging my way through graduation. Once I was done and had my degree, I moved as far away as I could with what job offers I received, landing in Fairfax, Virginia, where at the time I knew no one and that was by design.
I was not only ashamed of the life I had lived in college, but also was struggling greatly identifying what my sexuality was and assumed my brothers would only judge me if they knew. When I became sober from alcohol and drugs to figure that out, I kept my distance from my fraternity, including even my little brothers, Troy, Matt, Rob, and Jon, all of which I regret so greatly now being that I have no relationship with any of them. When I eventually came to terms with my sexuality, I finally told my fraternity the truth and while I received some support, there were a number of brothers who wished they had never let me into the chapter. I didn’t blame them though for feeling that way because ultimately, I never showed any of them why I should have been a brother in the first place. After all, I was far more selfish than selfless with the fraternity during all of my college years, often causing more chaos and drama with our brotherhood than anything else.
I let many years pass because of this, skipping each of the alumni reunions, living with shame and regret, and figuring none of them would miss me. I’d silently watch through social media one brother after another get married and start a new family and be saddened each time I didn’t receive an invitation. But why would I have gotten one when my best friends were one addiction after another for so long instead of any of them?
When I finally decided to attend my first alumni reunion, it was our 20th. I’m not sure why I went though, because I wasn’t in the right mindset, as I was still dealing with ending a love addicted and codependent toxic relationship at the time, all while trying to begin a healthy one with my present partner Chris. Frankly, I was still an addicted mess on some level and probably why I felt invisible throughout most of that weekend, consumed more with self than in trying to actually connect with my brothers again. For those I had hurt prior, I’m sure I didn’t show I had changed much at all in the way I was acting. So, when that reunion ended, I left feeling even worse and even more disconnected than ever from the brotherhood. I would then let another ten years pass with little to no communication with any of my brothers at all.
I felt great sorrow over this, enough that I started connecting locally with the University of Toledo’s Phi Kappa Psi (Ohio Eta) chapter a few years ago. I began doing alcohol and drug education with their chapter each semester and recently took on an Alumni Risk Management position. Seeing their camaraderie though each time I’m with them brings up much sorrow, sorrow for the lack of connection I have with my own brotherhood.
I’ve made so many mistakes now out of addiction and selfishness that even though I’ve long left all that toxicity behind, I wonder if the damage is irreparable, as least in forging closer bonds to my brothers. I’m sure the few articles I wrote for our national publication (The Shield) didn’t help either, as I talked quite openly about how my addiction blossomed in my undergraduate Phi Kappa Psi days.
Regardless, there’s a great pit of despair within me now that says I don’t deserve the forgiveness of those brothers I hurt and that I’ll probably always be on the outside looking in with my fraternity. Yet, I’m heading to this alumni reunion with hope, hope that God is leading me there to rectify all this. In light of that, I want to end with this.
Brothers of Phi Kappa Psi NY Theta, I’m deeply sorry for all the damage my addictions of my past caused and all the selfish actions I exuded that affected both our chapter and my relationship with all of you. I pray for your forgiveness from all my past inequities that affected my connection with my brothers for so long and truly hope to forge new brotherly relationships with each of you during our upcoming 30th Alumni Reunion.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
