A few weeks ago, I was invited out by my partner Chris to one of his work’s social functions they were having one Friday afternoon at a local restaurant. There, he introduced me as his partner to some of his co-workers and their significant others, all of which were heterosexual. At one point when another of Chris’s co-workers arrived and Chris was busy talking with someone else, I got introduced as Chris’s “friend”. I could tell how uncomfortable they were in the process, and I felt so incredibly awkward after that, I struggled to enjoy myself the rest of the time I was there. While I love my partner, Chris, truly I do, and while I can’t imagine being with anyone else presently, and even though I’ve been “out” for well over two decades now in a world that’s changed dramatically in its acceptance of sexuality, I still regularly struggle being myself and often find myself still wishing I was attracted to women specifically because of moments like this.
I know there are many of the younger generation in life now whom I see out and about that have way more acceptance of expressing their sexuality than I do. In fact, I was in a hip and swanky type of taco establishment recently where I saw a gay male couple in their early 20’s holding hands and showing loving affection to each other while they dined with a heterosexual couple in a very crowded restaurant. Many of my generation who are in same-sex relationships still aren’t that way though unless they are in a predominantly gay type of environment. That’s because we come from a time when gay bashing happened more than not and remaining closeted on some level was the safest thing to do. How many romantic moments of my life have come and gone at this point where I didn’t express my feelings to the person I loved over fears surrounding the expression of my sexuality is countless. After getting enough negative glances, judgmental comments, and religious lectures over the years related to my sexuality, it just became easier to hide whenever those moments happened, rather than express my true self to the one I loved.
Heterosexual couples never have to think twice about any of this. They can hold hands easily when out and about and share loving glances, winks, and smooches with each other, where no one will ever blink an eye. They can reserve vacation stays at things like a bed and breakfast or a boutique hotel and never wonder if the owner or manager might have an issue with their relationship. And they can always introduce themselves to new individuals or couples they meet without any sort of reservation, letting them know they’re an item, never having to worry whether it will be met with backlash. The fact is, they can be themselves in every situation without any concern, something I wish I could benefit from as well.
While I still hold my truth that my sexuality isn’t something I would have chosen if I truly had been given a choice in this life, I have come to accept it is who God made me from the day I was born. That doesn’t stop me from longing to be otherwise at times though, especially when I get labeled as Chris’s “friend” or when I get negative looks or comments under people’s breath when I show some sort of affection to him in public.
The fact is, I don’t enjoy feeling like I must walk on eggshells in this world surrounding my sexuality, most of which is grounded upon religious bias from scripture constantly getting misinterpreted. While that may indeed always be the basis for which judgment is placed upon those who aren’t heterosexual, I remain hopeful I’ll see the day when one’s sexuality doesn’t matter and what does matter is simply the expression of God’s love being shown between two individuals who truly do love each other…like I do my partner Chris.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
