Silly Joke #1
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “A glass of your finest Less, please.” “Less? Never heard of it my friend…”, the bartender responds. “C’mon, I’m sure you have!”, the guy insists. “No, really, I don’t think we stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?”, the bartender says baffled. “I’m not sure. But, my doctor told me today that I really needed to start drinking Less and I told him I would get right on that!!!”
Silly Joke #2
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job,” says his agent. “That’s great,” says the actor, what is it?” “Well,” says his agent, “it’s a one-liner in a play.” “That’s okay,” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the agent. “I love it” says the actor. “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday” says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition, which isn’t too far from his house. He marches on stage and shouts bravely: “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!”. “Brilliant!”, says the director, “you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.” The actor is so happy he finally got an acting gig that he goes on a major bender for a few days that he ends around 8:00pm Saturday night. He runs to the theatre still somewhat under the influence, continually repeating his line, “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar.” When he arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath, he is stopped by the guard. “Who the hell are you?” asks the guard. “I’m “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” “Well, if you are “Hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re freaking late. Get to makeup right now!” So he runs to makeup. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m “Hark I hear the cannons roar!”” “Well, if you’re hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re freaking late. Sit down!” She quickly applies the makeup. “Now hurry, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on.” He dashes down to the stage where’s he met by the stage manager. “Who the hell are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!”” “Well, if you’re “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, you were almost replaced! Be ready! You’re about to go on!” A few minutes later the stage manager says it’s his time to go out there. So he tears onto the stage, sees the house is full, when suddenly a huge cannon goes off behind him, startling him totally out of his bender, where he shouts, “WHAT THE F$$K WAS THAT?”
Silly Joke #3
There was a farmer who grew some pretty amazing watermelons. He was doing pretty well in the watermelon business because of it, but he was disturbed by some local kids who kept sneaking into his watermelon patch at night and eat some of them. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare them away for sure. So, he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of these watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.” The kids left without disturbing any and came back the next night with a sign of their own. When the farmer came out the next morning, he surveyed the field and noticed that while no watermelons were missing, a sign had been placed next to his that read, “Now there are two!”
Bonus Silly Joke
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.” So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?” But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.” The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but it’s where my only son asked to meet me.” The bartender said, “Well, I guess that means you tried sex once too, but didn’t like it either?
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
