“Andy Dawgskin! Andy Dawgskin! Andy Dawgskin!” I can still hear those awful chants, even at 50 years old, of those kids from my youth who constantly made fun of me in our neighborhood, on the bus, at school, and pretty much everywhere. This nickname, one placed upon me by a local kid around the corner who simply manipulated my last name in a negative-sounding way, would go on to haunt me and become an initial PTSD marker for being bullied incessantly for years to come.
When I see kids today getting bullied, whether it’s in the movies or television shows I watch, or whether it’s when I’m actually out and about in some public place where it’s occurring, it always does a number on my heart. While I’ve experienced a lot of healing from all the PTSD of getting bullied as a kid, I’ve worked with plenty in 12 Step recovery who are adults now that continue to carry massive wounds from it and where addiction is still a strong resource to handling the pain from it. I can relate to that because alcohol and drug addiction were the very things that initially helped me in life to numb myself from the many years I was bullied and rejected by peers. Ironically though, consuming alcohol and doing drugs also helped me to find acceptance in this world with the many who did either with me.
While I may not be angry or resentful anymore at all those who once bullied, there’s still a great sadness that remains within me surrounding it, one that always has me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in at everyone else having fun together. You see, ever since shedding my old chameleon-like personality that began at 17 just to avoid getting bullied, and since shedding so many addictions as well, I often feel that no one wants to be around me because I no longer fit in with what the masses do. What’s even harder to deal with is how I frequently become clingy and needy, and sometimes even overly pushy, when I actually end up making a new friendship, because that kid in me becomes so desperate for acceptance and approval, two things I never got growing up. I’m thankful for the courage God has given me to continue working on this and speaking so openly about it. While I may always care on some level about what others think of me due to the amount of bullying and rejection I endured as a kid, I at least can say I’m living out my more authentic self now than ever before, which is why I want to say this.
To all those people out there who have blocked me, mocked me, talked behind my back, and spread what you believe to be true about me in countless gossipy ways, I’m a good person with a good heart, who’s choosing to face his own insecurities now, instead of numbing myself from them. Maybe instead of judging me and doing what is no different than the bullying I endured as a kid, you should take a look in the mirror at yourself. Rather than continuing to do hurtful actions that inflict pain upon others including me, actions that really are no different than those who once chanted, “Andy Dawgskin” repeatedly, maybe it’s time for you to look within on why you are so bothered by who I am as much as you are.
Regardless of what any may choose to think of me today or in the past, I am not “Andy Dawgskin” anymore, and I release everything still within me tied to a name and negative energy I never wanted or deserved. And I also release all the pain I received from all the bullies in this world as well who have ever hurt me, once and for all. I am Andrew Arthur Dawson, and I love my authentic self…even if you don’t…or ever will…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
