I feel like I’ve been chasing my desire to be unconditionally loved my entire life. From the onset from as far back as I can remember, I never knew what it felt like to receive love just because I existed. It’s a lesson that parents are supposed to teach their kids to show they matter no matter what. And it’s a lesson that kids are meant to learn from them to help form healthy relationships later in life. Unfortunately, I never was taught this lesson in my dysfunctional household where addicts were present more than not. Instead, I grew up feeling unloved by them more than not, that is unless I did some type of big action to gain some form of their love.
I realize now that every friendship and every intimate partnership I’ve ever had in life thus far has been on some level chasing this unconditional love my mother and father never gave me. In the process, I’ve given my time, my energy, my money, and even my body away to get that love and what I’ve gotten instead is hurt, repeatedly. Time and time again I’ve sought healthy connections with others only to discover that it was the same unhealthy connection I’ve always been in. When I looked to be consoled, comforted, and the like in each of those relationships, I typically never got it back and was told I was too needy. But it was those people who didn’t have that programming built into them just like my parents never did. So, they only reconfirmed the very thing I never received growing up.
I finally am facing this hard lesson and choosing consciously to not let my mother and father be in my friendships and intimate partnerships anymore. Sadly, this is one of the biggest reasons why my current partner and I aren’t doing well at all. Because we both have this absence of programming within us. Over the years, I’ve sought this from him, especially when I’ve really been in pain and needed some serious unconditional love, but since he doesn’t have this programming, it only led to me feeling more unloved than not.
What I long for the most now is to be connected with those who love my soul force, who see the true me, not the outside me. And I want to spend my life intimately with someone who loves me on that level as well, who isn’t spending time with me because of some hidden agenda, manipulative desire, sexual drive, or any other lower vibrational reason. My desire to hold and be held by someone who truly loves me from my soul and theirs is my driving force now and I no longer am seeking to create new connections that only reconfirm that which I already learned from all the other broken ones who never did quite love me unconditionally.
I’m done giving myself away to gain love back. I’m done trying to overachieve just to receive limited forms of love. I’ve learned to love myself enough now to know what I deserve and I don’t want to be in any connection anymore with those who can’t love me back with a level of love that I say is God’s love, something that goes far deeper than carnal and physical-based interests. I simply want connections in my life who know and love me on a level that is beyond what they can see. And I believe it’s out there, in both an intimate way and even in the platonic one as well.
No more will I enter any new pattern with another in life who can’t express a soul love to me, as ultimately, I do deserve better, and I do love myself enough now to know I always did…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
