As I continue to process through this spiritual shift going on in my life, many have insinuated that maybe I need to learn how to unconditionally love myself more. Let me make this very clear. When you live in a relationship with someone for years on end who chooses to spend more time separate than together, who doesn’t take an active interest in most of your own passions, and who isn’t willing to explore one new thing after another that you are interested in doing with them, it will either lead you into a life of codependence or independence. I finally learned how to become more independent than codependent during my last relationship, and, in the process, I also learned how to love myself unconditionally, enough to leave it and make myself available for someone I’ve always wanted and deserved to be by my side.
I had to learn how to unconditionally love myself through every walk I asked to take around the neighborhood or on paths in parks we visited that frequently got met with, “You go right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back…”, because I allowed each denial to teach me how to enjoy doing those walks alone.
I had to learn how to unconditionally love myself through every lighthouse we visited where I wanted us to stroll out onto one jetty after another to see them up close that regularly got met with, “You go right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back…”, because I allowed each denial to teach me how to enjoy doing those lighthouse jetty strolls alone.
I had to learn how to unconditionally love myself through every swim or snorkel I did in the ocean where I wanted to explore those waters together that commonly got met with, “You got right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back…”, because I allowed each denial to teach me how to enjoy swimming and snorkeling in those ocean waters alone.
I had to learn how to unconditionally love myself through one scenic place after another we’d travel to, from abandoned mining towns to waterfalls and more, where I wanted to sightsee them together that repeatedly got met with, “You go right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back”, because I allowed each denial to teach me how to enjoy seeing each of those scenic places alone.
I had to learn how to unconditionally love myself through every time I wanted to work out in the gym or watch superhero movies together that habitually got met with, “You go right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back”, because I allowed each denial to teach me how to enjoy working out and watching those superhero movies alone.
For so many moments, in so many parts of my life, where I simply wanted to share an experience and my heart with the one I was in love with that routinely got met with “You go right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back”, I learned how to develop a relationship with myself, including how to love myself unconditionally doing so many of them alone.
I did this for years until I grew weary of living life in a relationship where I felt like I was living it more alone than not. For me, being in relationship isn’t about doing things more apart than together. It’s about growing together, exploring together, and living life more together than not.
Yes, you will have your times apart, but not more times apart than together. But I had to learn how to live life more apart than together during my past relationship because of what I continued to accept day in and day out. Except I learned how to love myself unconditionally through it all, like when I was in Saugatuck for one of my birthdays where I wanted so badly to kayak up and down the cliffside at this resort we stayed at, that got met with those very same words, “You go right ahead, I’ll be right here when you get back.” Did I still go kayaking alone? Yes. And did I enjoy that kayaking experience alone? Absolutely. But while I have many fond memories of that 2-hour experience, I also wish it had been shared with the one I had been in love with at the time.
I have countless memories throughout a 10-year relationship where I learned how to do things like this alone. And when you are forced to do enough things alone while in a relationship, you’ll eventually learn how to have a better relationship with yourself, which in turn will eventually lead you to unconditionally love yourself the more you continue to do them alone.
This is why I know that I love myself unconditionally now. Because through it all, I learned that while there were times when a couple does things apart, finding myself doing more of what I enjoyed apart from my partner than together, I had a choice to either become codependent, doing what my partner enjoyed more than not, or independent, still doing what I enjoyed, but more alone than not. I chose the latter and truly learned to love myself unconditionally in the process, enough to walk away from a 10-year relationship to finally become available for the person I’ve always meant to be with, who will have to offer what I’ve always wanted and deserved.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
