Author: Andrew Arthur Dawson

What do you think is acceptable sex conduct? This is a question whose answer has definitely changed for me over the years the more I’ve worked on my recovery, my spirituality, and my relationship to my Higher Power.

It honestly wasn’t that long ago, about five years now, when I still thought it was completely ok to spend each of my late night evenings watching pornography on the Internet for hours on end. It was also quite acceptable for me around that time to engage in sexual relations with someone who was already in a relationship with another, all under the pretense that I was single then and they were consenting. Years prior to this, when I was in a long-term monogamous relationship, I never saw any problem with my sex conduct then either, even when I was doing various behaviors such as fantasizing lustrously of others, leading people to think I’d leave my partner for them, engaging in phone or cyber sex conversations with strangers, flirting heavily with anyone I came into contact with, or having romantic but non physical interludes with someone other than my actual partner.

The reality was that none of my sex conduct changed until I did. It wasn’t until I fully started practicing the 12 Steps of recovery a few years ago did any of it alter. When I did, that’s when my spirituality truly started to grow. It’s also when I really started to draw closer to the God of my understanding. And the more I continued to do each of these things, the more I began seeing my sex conduct in a vastly different light. One that helped me to see my behaviors from the eyes of those I had hurt directly or indirectly, like those I had been in a relationship with, or the other halves of those I had seduced, or even myself.

Over the past few years now I’ve been coming into contact with plenty of people whose sex conduct are great reminders of where I once was with it all. Watching them randomly hook up with one person after another, or going to “bookstores”, parks, and rest stops for anonymous encounters, or hiring prostitutes and hookers for quick pleasure, or attending local strip clubs for a tease, or talking incessantly on a sexual level no matter what their audience is, or watching pornography on a regular basis, or sexually chatting on social media until the wee hours of most mornings, has caused me to reflect on how I too once thought each of these actions and more were totally acceptable.

But the fact FOR ME today is they aren’t. They aren’t because none of them ever brought me any true happiness. They never brought me the peace and serenity I sought. They ultimately never did anything for me other than make me crave them even more. I’m immensely grateful to my Higher Power for helping me to see this so clearly now and for leading me away from that darkness of my former sex conduct.

I must proclaim though that I am NO better than any of those who may still be doing any of these sex conduct based actions because it wasn’t that long ago when I WAS them and they were me. I must also admit that I’m far from perfect with this and occasionally have a flirtatious slip here and there. But I believe that if I continue to deepen my recovery, my spirituality, and my relationship to God that I will never completely relapse back into any of my old sex conduct behaviors again.

So what do I think is acceptable sex conduct? The best answer I can offer is that mine has definitely changed from what it once was. Honestly, how can I say what’s acceptable sex conduct for anyone else given we’re all on our own unique spiritual paths in life? I think the only other thing I can safely say about this subject matter is that I know I’m a much healthier person today because of the changes my sex conduct has undergone. I give my Higher Power all that credit, for I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if I had never drawn closer to God in the first place…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

There’s an unwritten rule in AA that I’ve been struggling with immensely since the day I began my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s called Rule 62 and by definition it means, “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously. Although I do believe it’s important to not take myself so seriously at times, having fun at my expense, especially in front of others, and joking about my recovery are two circumstances I feel I can’t apply to that rule.

Take for example what happened to me a few Fridays ago at my home group. Towards the end of the meeting, my heart moved to share some of my own experience, strength, and hope about the topic of the day. When I raised my hand and was eventually called upon, the moderator made a joke about me that actually held no validity. Unfortunately, I immediately went from my heart into my head, as the room erupted into laughter, forgetting all about the words I wanted to share in the process. Instead I attempted to muster a fake smile as I proceeded to string some words together that were quite far from the original passion I had felt minutes prior. When the meeting ended, I approached the moderator and asked they not repeat that behavior again with me. The response I received was right up that Rule 62’s alley by suggesting I needed to lighten up a little. While I knew this person’s joke truly meant me no harm, it hit an area within me that still causes me great pain.

You see, as a kid I was bullied incessantly and was always the pun of just about everyone else’s jokes. But through my work in recovery, I was able to find forgiveness in my heart for each of those people who did. This allowed me to finally release the anger and resentments I had held onto inside for years towards them except it didn’t erase the memories of it happening to me again and again. And as much as I wanted it to, it continues to resurface to this very day each time anyone makes fun of me, especially in front of a room full of people.

I’m honestly not sure if it will ever go away, just as much as I know some soldiers with PTSD never fully erase the memories of what they saw when they fought oversees. Regardless, I have learned through my spiritual work that anyone who makes fun of another is usually only acting from their own insecurity and defects of character. Knowing this does help somewhat to ease the brunt when someone pokes fun at me, but all in all I still find it very challenging to apply Rule 62 in situations such as this.

In general, I’ve also found it quite challenging to apply this rule to my recovery because when I have, I’ve always grown more spiritually sick and landed smack dab back in the thick of an addiction. Over the years through a lot of trial and error, I saw how my constant joking around in meetings and with sponsees not only led me away from the love and light I sought, it also brought on the same soul-sickness I felt during all the years I was using something addictively to make me feel better.

So do I believe that Rule 62 and not taking myself too damn seriously is important? Sure, I have no problem poking fun at myself when I’m alone or with one other individual. But I draw the line when it’s done at my expense in front of others, especially when it happens in the rooms of recovery. Being bullied as a kid wasn’t fun and it scarred me for life. And joking about my recovery has only ever led me straight back into a life of addiction. Maybe one day some of this will change, but for now I tend to believe my Higher Power wouldn’t want me to make fun of others nor joke about my recovery either. Thus I think overall I’m ultimately applying Rule 62 just fine…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson