Noah’s Ark, A Biblical Story I Struggle To Believe As It’s Written, But Am Still Inspired By Its Message…

There are countless stories in the Bible I struggle to buy into ever really happening, at least in the way their recorded. But what I do know is that there are plenty of positive messages behind each of them that I do buy into, like the message behind the story of Noah’s Ark.

In general, though, sometimes I think many of the stories in the Bible are just ones passed through the generations that were meant to motivate the masses. Maybe there was some truth to them long ago, but over time, it was like the telephone game, where the story got passed along, becoming bigger and bigger, changing, and evolving into something far different than its original events that inspired the story in the first place. One such story is the one of Noah, a guy who was called upon God to build this huge ark, becoming a laughingstock of those around him, even his family in the process. But the message behind this story is what truly inspires me on my current path in life because it’s one of keeping faith in God, even when all rational sense says not to.

Noah couldn’t fathom the purpose of what he was doing for God, yet he did it anyway and eventually he realized why. But trying to put any sort of rationality behind the story itself of Noah’s Ark is terribly challenging for me. I mean how did that ark fit every single species on Earth? And did Noah and his family become the next Adam and Eve of sorts, essentially having to resort to incest to repopulate the planet? It’s questions like these that I just can’t wrap my brain around whatsoever. But what I can wrap my brain around is the amount of faith Noah exhibited in the story, to even create the ark in the first place. It’s much of what I feel when it comes to how I’m handling my ongoing health crisis.

Long ago when I was still physically healthy, yet spiritually sick due to active addiction issues, I begged God one day to change me, to free me of all that kept me separate from God. I essentially wanted to be free of all the addictions and spiritual sickness I had been living in for so long, both in this life, and what I believe to be a number of prior ones as well, if you can believe in that sort of thing.

Seven days after I prayed that prayer is precisely how long it took before all my health issues began. I tried for a few years to fix them through science and medicine, and even through many forms of natural healing, all to no avail. Eventually, I came to accept that healing myself was beyond my control and that what I was going through was the answer to my prayer. That every ailment I faced was my body purging itself of everything that has kept me separate from feeling the peace and joy of God.

For many, this has sounded so inherently crazy. Honestly, there are days I think I’m crazy for continuing to trust in this healing path after so many years feeling so crappy. Yet, even when I seem to be at my darkest moments, there’s some sort of faith that comes from deep within that says to keep trusting in God and what’s happening to me. I think that’s why I really like the story of Noah. Because Noah trusted in God even when all rational sense probably said not to.

Even if the story of Noah’s Ark is bogus and is nothing more than a bedtime story passed along the ages, it still brings motivation to my spirit, to keep trusting in God with faith, to keep believing that I’m not crazy for remaining on this painful healing path, that I am still healing, even for as long as it’s been.

While the Bible and plenty of other religious books may indeed not be perfectly true stories and instead could very well be fabricated well beyond their originate events, I choose to look at the message behind them, like the message of faith in the story of Noah’s ark. A message that inspires me to keep going, to keep building my own ark, as I continue to trust in what I believe to be a healing happening in my mind and body, even when the constant pain makes me want to give up on most days, and even when others think I’m crazy for continuing to trust “some guy in the sky” with my health and the path of my life in general…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Truly Transparent Me…Sharing From The Depths Of My Pain

Most people aren’t fully transparent in this world, usually out of fear of being judged. Today I want to show you what being truly transparent looks like by sharing from the depths of my pain.

Many of you may not know what it’s like to walk around for years on end in severe chronic pain. In fact, you might even go about your ways, oblivious to those around you who may be suffering incredibly all the time like me. And even if you do know of someone’s suffering and try to understand, it’s very hard to, unless you’ve suffered in pain for a long time too. And sadly, when people don’t quite understand, it’s precisely when they begin judging, something I’ve been a recipient quite a bit of in recent years when it comes to my health.

Many have insinuated I relish in self-pity and like living in my pain. I don’t. The truth is that if I could have one wish, one prayer, one hope to come true, it would to be free of this burden once and for all. Regardless, I do my best to put a smile on my face each day, to keep my faith in God, and find some sort of solace in this never-ending sea of frustration over how I feel inside from the very moment I wake up every morning. As when you’re in constant pain like I am, the sky always seems gray and everyone feels like a million miles away. Especially God. I doubt God far too much now. Does that make me agnostic? This pain has really made me question the existence of God.

Have I done something wrong? What more can I do? Is God mad at me? Is God waiting on me to do something? Am I supposed to keep waiting on God? These are all questions I ask myself frequently now and if I hear one more person tell me in response to them that when God feels distant, it’s not God who’s moved, it’s me, I think I’m going to scream!

People have had so many suggestions on how I should be handling what I’m going through and I’ve tried so many of them to no avail, which has led me to accept that removing this is totally out of my control. Yet, my ego still desperately tries to find a solution and so do some of my friends. They google this or that online, hoping to understand and find an answer. I know they mean well, but when you’ve tried so many things with no success over the course of 11 years, you already know google and the world in general isn’t going to have the answer.

All of this has led to me feeling like I’ve been running a never-ending marathon; one in fact I don’t want to run anymore. It’s why painkillers often beckon my ego, painkillers like medical marijuana. For an addict like me, I just can’t go there. Because I know deep down where it’s going to eventually take me, because it’s taken me there before. Because anything I’ve ever taken over the years to numb my pain has never been enough to fully silence it. And each time I’ve gotten any bit of relief from any painkiller I’ve taken, I’ve always only wanted more of it, creating another vicious cycle of addiction.

The path I embarked upon many years ago now was to be free of living my life in this way. It was to stop numbing myself with one thing after another, including drugs, medications, people, and a number of other things as well. That’s why for as bad as this feels inside, I have chosen to not numb it with anything. Why God hasn’t freed me from this after all this time, I don’t know. People suggest that if God hasn’t healed me by now, He probably won’t. Others say it’s dumb to have faith in God instead of medicine. What they don’t understand is that the last time I placed my faith in medicine, I tried to kill myself. Because numbing myself with medicine felt like giving up to me.

I’m quite sure some of you reading this are probably shaking your head right now, thinking you know better than I do. Like I just need some anti-depressant or some other pill, and all will be well. There is no pill that is going to fix this and until you’ve walked a day in my shoes, you’ll never be able to understand that. Nevertheless, my mother once said I hadn’t kicked hard enough in this swim race I had finished last in, at the young age of 12. But you know what? I was kicking hard enough then and I’m still kicking hard enough now by doing my best to keep my faith in God and in this healing path I remain devoted to.

So, this is the real me, the truly transparent me. One that most rarely post about themselves on social media. While my present world doesn’t make sense to me anymore and I often feel invisible because of this sea of chronic pain inside me, I still believe in God and cling to my faith that He has a beautiful plan for me, in this life…even as my pain continues to scream at me, always trying to make me believe otherwise…always trying to make me give up…while I keeping praying that I don’t…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“So, Are You Vaccinated Yet?”

On a very hot summer day recently, my partner Chris and I were lazily lounging and enjoying the peace and quiet in the outdoor pool at the YMCA we are a member of when suddenly, a woman approached us in the water and began loudly expressing her extreme displeasure of all unvaccinated people in our country. She had no idea I was unvaccinated nor knew of any of my health issues that have led to why I haven’t gotten one yet. I cringed as she continued to talk at a level where most around the pool could hear. When she said that all unvaccinated people need to be rounded up and sent somewhere outside our country where they can all die, I had enough. I was close to saying something that I knew I’d probably regret, which is why I quickly exited the pool. I’ve learned that sometimes it’s just best to keep my voice silent and pray for the person, because some people are just looking for an argument and there’s nothing that can be said to them where they might find greater understanding, love, and connection, especially when one of the first questions out of their mouth is, “So, are you vaccinated yet?”

The world lately seems to be filled with many people like this. How many times have I overheard people from both sides of this issue expressing their strong opinions for anyone to hear? Too many. Frankly, it’s got me so frustrated, because if I wasn’t going through all the health issues I have been for as long as I have, I’d already have gotten a vaccination, just like I did in my earlier years of life. Regardless, I’m so weary of these vaccination arguments and discussions, with people sending me article after article surrounding the science on this virus, the constant fighting and bickering on this subject, and the near-constant drama of pro-vaxxers versus anti-vaxxers. Last year was all about pro-Biden versus pro-Trump, of which I couldn’t escape no matter where I was. Now it’s all about this virus and I keep on seeing the fallout from it with friends walking away from each other, pointing fingers, and placing the blame on why they think this virus is still around.

I experienced some of this with a dear friend just recently. At the end of this month, I’m heading to the Washington, D.C. area to reconnect with several friends I haven’t seen in over 10 years. When one of them I spoke to over the phone asked me before our call ended, “So, are you vaccinated yet?”, I wanted to lie, but I’m not a liar. Yet, I knew where this was going to go at that point, but I remained honest and said I hadn’t been yet and explained why. It didn’t matter though. Even though I was willing to wear a mask, remain at a healthy distance, and even get a COVID test just to help them feel safe, they didn’t want to see me at all, even after 26 years of being the best of friends and even after not having seen me for well over a decade. I accepted their decision, but it hurt…A LOT.

The rejection from someone who’s been a part of my life for so long, all because of my unvaccinated status, made me wonder if that’s what happened back in the early 80’s with friends when HIV began spreading. Initially, it was called “GRID” or “Gay-Related Immune Deficiency” and anyone who was gay was chastised and blamed for the virus. Gay people became lepers in society, the total shame of the world. The news and the public in general pointed the finger solely at homosexuals and many stayed far away from them because of it, that is until science proved it was a sexually transmitted virus with both homosexuals and heterosexuals. Presently, science and the news continue to report the only reason why COVID is still a problem is due to all the unvaccinated people. Whether that’s 100% true or not doesn’t matter in my book, because like HIV, or when it was first known as GRID, each of those people who were gay were worthy and deserving of love then, just like all unvaccinated people are now.

Nevertheless, I’m afraid now to be in any type of public social setting, because it seems like that question of, “So, are you vaccinated yet?” continues to arise where the feeling I get each time it does is one of total repulsion from others when I answer it truthfully. It often feels like I’m getting the entire blame of the virus at that moment. I can’t imagine Jesus, Buddha, or Mohammad acting this way, given they were each about expressing unconditional love and acceptance of all. That’s why I am trying to emulate those qualities in my life as best as I can, regardless of whether someone has chosen to vaccinate or not, and regardless of any person’s stance on anything in life really, even if it’s something I stand completely differently on.

Ultimately, I just wish I wasn’t caught in the middle of this vaccination issue, but sadly, I am. But maybe that’s a good thing, for if it’s taught me one thing, it’s to love at a much Higher Level, one where it doesn’t matter whether someone has vaccinated or not, where instead what’s more important is loving someone no matter what, even the woman at the YMCA pool who wishes to banish people like me to another country where I can be left to die.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson