Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

These entries focus on the spiritual side of healing for chronic pain and illnesses.

“The Lord Giveth And The Lord Taketh Away…”

I, like I’m sure so many others often do, tend to question why God lets loved ones die by unnatural causes and tragic circumstances. This past year I lost two good friends to drug overdoses, one was in his mid 50’s and the other in his mid 30’s. I also lost a very dear friend of more than two decades to an immune system failure, and just the other day my 4-year-old cat Smokey abruptly died due to his bladder bursting from a urethra blockage.

When my cat left in the carrier that morning to head to the vet from not being able to pass urine for almost 12 hours, I had prayed and prayed and laid hands on him, asking God to help him. Little did I know that the help would be to put him out of his pain permanently a mere hour later. At first when my partner returned home to tell me the terrible news, I was shocked and wanted to believe it was all a joke somehow. Smokey had been my rock over the past three years, constantly bringing me comfort whenever I was hurting from my health issues. How could God have taken him away when I needed him the most? Why would God do such a thing? Was this really the answer to all my desperate pleas and prayers I had done that morning and all the prior evening when Smokey had started not feeling well?

At that precise moment my partner had told me this heartbreaking news and stared at me in tears, all I could think of was that King James verse from Job 1:21 that said “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” and believe me, it did nothing to comfort me. I’ve struggled in recent times to find comfort in reading the bible, having suffered for far too long.

As I thought about that passage, my anger began to consume me. I then pondered all the other awful deaths I went through this year and felt my physical pain overwhelming me, when suddenly I started cursing my existence just like Job once did with all the loss he went through.

I really wanted to take a drink or do a drug or act out in some serious addiction, just to numb the hurt, the pain, and the loss of the only thing I had in my life that represented 100% unconditional love. Not once did Smokey ever treat me poorly.

Thankfully, I kept all my sobriety and went out that afternoon and evening with a rapidly growing friendship to a guy named Mike while my partner decided to distract himself with his schoolwork. Mike has been such a blessing for me in a number of ways, including being able to make me laugh pretty easily, which normally doesn’t come that easily. After a few hours of hanging out with him over a meal, a coffee, and a drive, I felt much better and was far less self-piteous. It’s then I began coming into a greater place of acceptance.

The thought crossed my mind that if my partner and I had proceeded down the path we were considering that morning, that being to get immediate surgery to correct Smokey’s urinary condition he was born with, there was a very good chance it could create a long road of heavy vet expenditures, as we were told. For a guy like me with no job and no steady income, and a partner who supports the both of us, maybe indeed God saw best to take Smokey from this plane to save many expenses, headaches, and anguish? Whatever the reason why it was Smokey’s time though, I also had acceptance that he was at least no longer in pain. I had watched him countless times over the last three years sit in his kitty litter, sometimes for more than 10 minutes, desperately trying to pass urine.

So, in the end, I accepted that even if Smokey’s passing had nothing to do with God wanting my partner and I to avoid paying high vet bills in the future for his health, that God must have had a reason that was for the greater good for both Smokey and us. Accepting that made his passing much easier to deal with and ironically even helped to appreciate that biblical verse, even if it took me a good number of hours to get there, when I finally could say it really is ok that “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” because in the end, it ultimately is.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

My Need For Human Touch…

I think human touch is very important. I’m always reminded of those studies that were done scientifically with babies where it was proven that the lack of physical affection can actually kill a baby or seriously limit their growth and development.

As a baby, I was often told I received a lot of human touch. But, as a kid, when my parents succumbed to alcohol addiction, I didn’t get much of that whatsoever. Rather, I remember days when I’d go into the family room in tears wanting my mother just to console me over being bullied at school where she’d tell me to be quiet as she watched her soap operas and drank her wine. She even sent me off to learn karate when I broke down one day about the ongoing bullying, instead of providing me any sort of loving touch.

My first real experience as a kid receiving human touch was sadly when I got molested around the age of 12 from the coach of the swim and dive team I was on. After that, I began to fear anyone touching me and instead felt wickedly uncomfortable with any sort of affection. That lasted for years causing me to recoil inside any time someone placed a loving hand on me or even touched me on any level. Eventually, I worked through this issue mostly because of the work I did through the ManKind Project organization (MKP), which I continue to remain a part of to this day.

Unfortunately, these days, I continue to struggle with one thing that still relates to human touch. I have this overwhelming need now to have physical affection more than not, all because of how low I feel inside about my life due to my long-standing health issues and where my life has been left because of them. And while I crave human touch as much as do, my partner is the exact opposite with it, as he doesn’t need much of it at all. Part of that relates to issues he has in that arena that he’s just beginning to work on. Because of that, quite often I know I come across to him as overly needy, typically when I ask to hold hands more or be held more or simply just to be touched more.

I’m beginning to wonder if for as long as my health issues stick around, will I always appear as being overly needy, chiefly when it comes to craving human touch. But like a baby who needs this for development and really to live, is it the same for adults as well? Do we ultimately need human touch? And can human touch prevent things like depression and anxiety and other sickness? I tend to think so because of the benefit I always feel whenever I receive love through human touch. The downside though is how many people in this world seem to struggle giving or receiving it due to their own upbringing and the lack of ever getting it on a healthy level. Frankly, for many I’ve gotten to know, human touch is such a foreign thing and seems to make plenty uncomfortable.

All I know to do is to keep on showing the physical affection I do to others and to remain thankful for those who offer me any human touch in return. Sometimes a deep hug, an arm around my shoulder, and a hand on my leg, from anyone, goes a long way, especially for a guy like me who hurts so badly inside on more days than not.

So, if you should ever happen to see someone who is truly hurting from anything in life, know I believe that deep down each of them biologically desires some type of human touch and physical affection. While some may generally not be open to receiving it yet due to not having worked through some issue around it, know there are others who would love to receive it and when they do, it may just make their day and help them to keep going for one more day, others that include someone like me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

A Reminder From God Through My Cat Smokey…

I believe that God can send us messages and reminders through anything, even a cat, like I feel he did through my male cat Smokey on the day I came home from my trip to my sister a week ago this past Sunday. It was then I found him acting very distant and depressed. Normally he’s a very unconditionally loving and high energy-based cat, even more so immediately after returning from a trip away. But not this time and it didn’t take me long to discover the reason why when I saw him sitting in his litter box for over 10 minutes struggling to pass urine.

You see, Smokey has had an issue with his urethra ever since his birth in which it was discovered it was much tinier than most cats making it harder to pass urine. We’ve tried a number of specialized diets to fix it, but it only made things worse and even with increased water consumption, the unpleasant condition remained. Eventually, we were told by our veterinarian the only solution was an extremely costly surgery to permanently correct it. Unfortunately, we couldn’t afford it. In light of that, our only recourse whenever this condition arose was to show him some TLC, pray over him, and give him a quick couple of drops of something called “Bach Rescue Remedy for Cats”, which helps him to relax. Typically, within an hour or two after this course of action, he’s always become able to pass urine leaving him afterwards just as spunky as ever. But not so this time around.

I watched as Smokey spent hours and hours pacing the house, laying on the floor meowing in pain, and trying to pee in the weirdest of places. He didn’t want to be held. He didn’t want to play. He just wanted to be left alone. Even holding him didn’t create his usual deep purring. On the outside he looked as normal as could be, making any onlooker think he was totally fine. But on the inside, I knew he was feeling extremely uncomfortable, making him have very little desire to live the joyous and overly social life he usually does with his human companions. And boy, I could relate.

Having long suffered with a number of health issues myself that can never be seen from the outside of me, I’ve quite often become depressed and unsocial. Frequently, that’s led to me getting told by others to just push on through it by forcing myself to do things such as getting out of myself and helping another. It’s rarely helped though, especially when the physical pain has been at a high level. For the longest time, I thought maybe I just needed to try harder, achieve mind over matter, or find some alternative path to feel better. But after watching my cat during his 12-hour urinary ordeal, I really do think God was trying to provide me a little guidance for my own healing journey.

I say that because Smokey doesn’t have the thinking processes that I do. He, like most other cats and even dogs, exist to simply show unconditional love and comfort to their owners. Yet, when my cat Smokey had this urinary issue arise to the level it did that night, I watched as he simply took care of himself until he felt better. He didn’t get out of himself and try to please his masters. He didn’t try to play or even purr. He didn’t try to force joy either. He just curled up in a ball and took care of himself, until suddenly for whatever the reason beyond his or my control, he became able to pass urine again and once he did, he immediately was a barrel of joy once more.

So, thanks to Smokey, I decided I’m not going to listen to those erroneous voices anymore who keep on telling me I need to rise above my pain and just get out and do more things. Instead, I’m going to take a page out of his book and trust it was a reminder from God letting me know it’s ok to take care of myself whenever I’m feeling a lot of pain. I know there’s deep joy and exuberance below it somewhere, it’s just waiting to surface for when my pain levels become far less than they have been. I’m just thankful I’m open enough to see how God can use even something like my cat Smokey to remind me it’s ok to be still when I’m hurting and leave the healing to Him, because I know if I do, I will get better just like Smokey did, and when I do, I too will become a barrel of joy once more.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson