Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

Is it easier to be silent then to talk? Better to observe than participate? The longer I live and the longer I continue to remain with the pain I do in this body, waiting with hope and faith of a brighter day felt within, I seem to be going in the exact opposite direction of who I once was, that being a person who always had to be the center of attention. But maybe that’s a good thing, because I see now how it’s helping me to see things I wouldn’t see before, when I was constantly running my mouth.

About a week ago, I was at a friend’s house having fun doing a game night, something in my past I would make sure to be the center of attention during it, for the entire time. Other than guiding everyone in playing the game I brought over (Catch Phrase) though, I listened more than talked and noticed many things I wouldn’t in my past. Sometimes it was the frustration of those losing. Sometimes it was the gloating of those winning. But the one thing I seemed to notice the most was one person there who appeared to get more and more down with each passing game, especially because they were constantly on a losing team.

I would never have noticed something like this before at a party or any sort of get-together, particularly a game night. I tended to be so competitive, especially when playing games like Catch Phrase. So competitive, that I’d gleefully rub in other people’s faces when they weren’t doing well. But sitting in pain more than not, no matter where I am these days, has led me to be more silent and observing like I was that night when I noticed how this one individual was feeling. Their face looked more down than up, more despondent than cheerful and after three entire games of seeing this person’s frustration grow in their losses, I agreed to play one more game, but only if I could this person’s teammate in the game. My goal was to somehow help them cheer up during it.

Before the game started, I went into the bathroom, and asked God to help us win this game, not for me, but for this person, who I felt needed a win, if for any reason, in the hopes it might help them feel slightly better. I’m happy to report that we didn’t just win, we won with conviction, and I got to share a wonderful fist bump and smile from a person I barely know, but someone I feel had their soul connect to mine knowing I understood how they felt.

It’s those moments that I never got to see in my past when I would always try to be the center of attention at events like that. I think those moments have come more and more in my life the more I’ve been slowed down through all this mental and physical pain. Because in my being slowed down, I’ve found I see the world around me with a totally different set of eyes, ones that have more compassion. Ones that have more understanding. And ones that just somehow know when a person might need a helping hand of sorts. I’m thankful for the good my pain has led to on nights like that, when it helped me help another of God’s children, even if it was for a brief moment, a moment that never would have come in my self-absorbed center of attention past…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’m a member of a Facebook group that deals with all the health symptoms individuals are going through presently on their spiritual journeys. This group helped a lot to know I’m not alone with the health issues I face daily. Recently, I came across a posting on that group where someone posed the question of what level of health was a person living at presently from a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 was optimal and 1 was extremely poor. Sadly, my answer was that I’m living at a 4 and have been for quite some time.

Living at a 5 using this scale when it comes to one’s health, at least in my book, is living at par, which is something I haven’t felt for a very long time. Rather, I’ve been living at a 4 for probably a solid six years now where on most days I feel more upside down than right side up. Living at a 4 is challenging because it often feels like I’m fighting to just keep my head above water.

Handling day-to-day tasks at this level is challenging. There are many days now where I’m struggling just to stand in the shower to wash myself and where my best friends are actually a heating pad and a hand massager. Most don’t understand what living at a 4 is like when it comes to me because from their perspective, it always looks like I’m at a 9 or 10. That’s only because I tend to do my very best to hide all my health issues seeing that when I don’t, it constantly becomes the topic of conversation where I usually receive more advice than compassion and understanding. Don’t get me wrong though, as I know most mean well.

Regardless, living below par every single day is not by choice and it makes my world feel very gray. It could be the sunniest of day, with the most pristine weather possible, yet the world within me feels cloudy, damp, and rainy. I have done my very best to change, but so far, I’ve remained unsuccessful. Contrary to what many have accused me of, which is thinking I haven’t done enough to change my level, I’ve actually explored medicinal care, natural remedies, healing modalities, diet changes, cleaning house from toxic people, 12 Step recovery work, therapy, prayer, meditation, affirmations, gratitude journals, writing in this blog, and more. But none have ever been successful at raising my level of health, which has led me to believe it’s out of my control.

The only way I ever seem to be able to get people to understand what this is like is asking them if they’ve ever had the flu. Most of course say they have, which at that point, I ask them how life would be for them if they had it every day for years and years and still had to go on with all their daily activities. Most at the point instantly understand, but there’s always those who think they know better than I do with my health and continue to offer one piece of advice after another, which only makes my living at a 4 feel even worse.

As I said before, living at a 4 isn’t by choice, which has led to me working quite a bit on my faith and having to trust blindly in God that one day I’ll be a 5 or higher again. I tend to tell myself that God didn’t bring me down this path this far to leave me like this and that alone helps me to keep functioning at a 4. So, one day at a time, I continue to exist below par, yet I’m still alive and kicking, doing my best to keep the faith that one day I’ll be at par or better…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

How many times I’ve seen those signs on business doors in recent months that say, “We are closed today due to staffing shortages…” is countless by this point. Personally, I’ve noticed it the most with the place I frequent the most in life, that being Starbucks. Many of them have been closed early for the day, been drive-thru only, or didn’t open for the day at all. People seem to be talking a lot about this lately, most of which wonder why these staffing shortages exist in the first place and where all the workers have gone. While I don’t exactly have an answer for that, I can at least speak for myself since I am presently not holding a paying job.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t wish I could be out there holding a paying job. Unfortunately, my health has gotten to the point now where I am struggling just to take care of my own basic needs on many-a-days. When people have seen me outside doing yard work and have questioned why I can’t hold a job, what they don’t see is me curled up after that outdoor work, lying on my bed, massager in hand, heating pad below me, crying in frustration. Sometimes I’m good for an hour or two with what physical labor I do and sometimes I don’t have any energy at all to do any of it. The same goes for any mental labor as well, including even writing for this blog. I’ve frequently tried to push myself beyond my limits, but the rebound effect on my mind and body is one that tends to set me back for many days afterwards, which is why I try to not push myself much anymore.

Many have asked me what I’d like to do if my health wasn’t so delimiting. If my life wasn’t so limited, the answer is simple. I’d like to start out back in the workforce by being a part-time barista at Starbucks. When my health wasn’t so limiting and painful, I was very much the people person. I used to like to talk to strangers a lot. I also liked to interact, smile, and do my part to help anyone who came into my life, if even for just a moment for them to feel better. In regards to working at a Starbucks, that can translate to simply remembering someone’s name and their drink order, as many baristas do with me when I’m at several of the local locations.

Personally, I think I’d make a good barista and even spoke to several managers at a few Starbucks locations, wondering if maybe I could somehow do the job even in my current state of health. But I learned the work their employees do is actually quite taxing at times, some of which would extend far beyond my present limits of what I can handle. Truth be told, I wish I could just get a job there sitting on a stool behind the order register, cheerfully greeting each customer, taking their drink order with a smile. That I know I could do well right now. But standing on my feet for at least four hours at a time is definitely not something I could do presently.

So, I keep praying that God will improve my health enough for me to do a part-time job as a barista one day. Sadly, all those prayers of restoration continue to remain thwarted though. What remains is simply a hope that one day I will return to the workforce, where this time around it will be more about me being there for others, rather than myself, where the pay isn’t what matters, and what does matter is being of service to others, something I thankfully am still doing with my 12 Step recovery work.

Regardless, I’d really like to make all these nationwide staffing shortages be at least one individual less one day soon by hopefully re-emerging into the workforce again. I pray God will strengthen my frail and ailing body enough to do so, but until then, I continue to dream every time I see those signs on all those business doors saying they are closed today due to staffing shortages.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson