Category: Recovery From Addictions

My first sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous was the initial person to ever discuss with me the bedevilments of addiction. She explained that they were the things that plagued most of those who had suffered from addictions such as myself. Then she pointed out in the chapter titled “We Agnostics” of the Big Book the ones that were the most common. And surprisingly for something that was written well over six decades ago, I was able to see myself in all eight of them.

1. We were having trouble with our personal relationships.

I ran off more friends and intimate relationships during all the years my addictions had the best of me. And for those individuals who somehow stuck around, I constantly argued with each of them.

2. We couldn’t control our emotional natures.

My emotional state was much like a roller coaster during all the years my addictions had the best of me. My mood changed much like the weather and although I might have been happy in a given moment, it didn’t take much for me to become angry, weepy, or full of rage.

3. We were a prey to misery and depression.

I lived in self-pity, doom, and gloom during all the years my addictions had the best of me. In fact, I knew of no other way to exist so much that it led me to be completely dependent on medications to balance me out.

4. We couldn’t make a living.

I left many jobs because I didn’t like authority, control, or anyone telling me what to do. I also got fired from a bunch of them as well for similar reasons. In either case, I frequently copped resentments with my bosses or peers, always believing it were their entire fault and never mine.

5. We had a feeling of uselessness.

Given that I grew up in an alcoholic home where I felt more worthless than not, living an addiction-based life only enhanced this feeling that began in my childhood. I also often felt life was meaningless because I never applied myself and the only thing I was ever concerned about was getting my fix from whatever the addiction I was doing and no one else.

6. We were full of fear.

My entire life was based on fear almost 100 percent of the time my disease had the best of me. I was constantly worried about everyone and everything and usually felt this impending sense of doom.

7. We were unhappy.

Rarely did I ever smile, laugh, or be happy during my addiction-prone years unless I was actively engaging in my addiction and getting exactly what I wanted out of it. But during all the moments I was crashing from my disease or chasing it again, I was utterly miserable.

8. We couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people.

I was so selfish and self-centered during my active addiction-based years that I could have cared less about anyone else that could have benefitted from my help. I wasn’t able to ever help myself, unless it was to pursue my addictions, thus it never mattered to me when people asked for my help.

I’m sure there are plenty more bedevilments that plague addicts like me, but I definitely find it interesting that I could relate to all of the ones Bill Wilson wrote so long ago.

Thankfully, working the 12 Steps brought me to a spiritual solution for all of these bedevilments. Now I’m no longer plagued by any of them because I live in this solution each and every day of my life. I’m just so grateful to be free now from the bedevilments of addiction, and I give all that credit to my Higher Power who I know guided me there…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I think the Universe is trying to show me lately that I still have greater levels of acceptance to learn in life. I’ve had a few issues going on over the past few days that it’s quite apparent I haven’t been accepting them very well. How do I know that? It’s because I’ve been impatient, irritable, and acting a little more on self-will than God’s will.

A few nights ago around midnight is when I began having this revelation. Normally, I log on to my blog site around that time every evening to ensure my new article is posted successfully for the next day. That includes verifying the quick links that are added on Facebook, Twitter, and GooglePlus, as well as making sure the e-mail containing an excerpt of the article goes out to all subscribers. Usually that takes only a few seconds of time because the process is completely automated. But that night it didn’t. While my article did get posted on time, the quick links weren’t added nor did the email go out.

I spent over an hour trying to figure it out on my own. When that didn’t happen, I called GoDaddy (who hosts my blog’s domain) technical support hoping they could help me. After an hour talking with them, the only thing I really learned was that they were aware of the issue and were working on it. I didn’t accept that response very well and actually went into a long discourse that started with me saying I was paying for a service that should be working. While I didn’t raise my voice or express anger, I know I came across like I was lecturing the support person.

By the time I went to bed, my site still wasn’t working fully. As my head hit the pillow I was far from feeling serene or relaxed on any level and didn’t sleep well because of it. When I awoke six hours later, I felt the exact same way as I did the prior evening, which was impatient and irritable. Then I allowed my morning meditation to be consumed with constant thoughts of whether my blog would work that day or not. When I finally got back to testing it later that morning, it thankfully did. But ironically, I still felt unsettled and continued to not practice acceptance because I picked up the phone and called GoDaddy again.

After another hour and a half on the phone with them trying to understand why my site was partially down the previous night, I honestly learned absolutely nothing other than I was still impatient, irritable, and not practicing acceptance. And guess what? When all was said and done after that phone call, I called my spiritual teacher and sponsor and was told the very same thing, that I really needed to just accept it was working and move on.

So I’ve been trying to practice more acceptance since then, not just on that issue but a few others as well. And the only way I’ve ever known how to do that is to just keep saying the following prayer that Bill Wilson once wrote so eloquently in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 417 4^th Edition). Thank you Bill for these wise words as they definitely continue to remind me every time I say them that acceptance is still the answer…and always will be.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Bill Wilson once stated in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that “we are people who normally would not mix.” But the fact is we usually end up doing just that because of one common thread…all of us have suffered from the hands of addiction. Unfortunately, there are still times though that people seem to forget this. In doing so, they often end up alienating others who could be a wonderful part of their spiritual journey to recovery.

The first time I experienced this was at a former home group in Massachusetts. My original sponsor once told me how important it was to greet not only my fellow home group members, but also especially the newcomers. She told me that greeting each other is what helps us to see that we’re all in this together. She also told me how important it was to take part in the fellowship before and after the meetings, as it too would help us to feel that same way. Sadly, that wasn’t the case in that group. I watched time and time again as other members came in and greeted and socialized with only their friends, while everyone else was completely ignored. During one of the group’s business meetings, I raised this issue as a concern and all it received was a considerable amount of backlash. What I was told was how unreasonable it was to try to greet everyone and that they didn’t have to fellowship with those they didn’t like. I honestly wished Bill Wilson had been present that night, as I don’t think he would have agreed with them.

One of the main points he established in AA that has now spread to all the other 12 Step recovery programs is to create a welcoming atmosphere for everyone, no matter what their background is. Today that includes one’s race, gender, religion, disability, and sexual orientation to name just a few, except there are still those who forget this. What’s even worse is when people’s prejudices of these various backgrounds are brought into the rooms of recovery.

The first home group I became a part of in Toledo where I live now was an example of where this happened. One day we were all reading one of the stories in the back of the Big Book titled Tightrope. It deals with a person who struggled with not only their alcoholism, but also their sexuality. In the end they found recovery and accepted that they were gay. I raised my hand that day and told the group how much I identified with the story as I broke down in tears. It was a triumphant moment in my recovery because I walked through some fears to share about my sexuality so openly. After that meeting, I began to feel as if I had the Black Plague in that group. Many of those group members who I was a friend with prior to that share started keeping their distance from me, and it was later I discovered that was due to their Christian beliefs about homosexuality.

Neither of these situations is how I practice my own spiritual program of recovery today, nor is it what I believe Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith once envisioned for it either. Thankfully my Higher Power has shown me a better way. Although “we are people who normally would not mix”, I see how important it is to always greet and accept each and every individual unconditionally, no matter what their background ever is. We all can truly be an invaluable asset to each other and in doing so, will remain forever united on the road to recovery.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson