Category: Recovery From Addictions

“Maybe those AA’rs were right” are words that can be found in the Step 1 chapter of The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). They are words that I hold dear to my heart now because of the part they’ve played on my journey to recovery from the addiction-filled life I once had.

To put it bluntly, I used to think that AA and all other 12 Step recovery programs were for weak-minded individuals. Through quite a bit of self-will run riot, hitting progressively lower bottoms, and observing those who remained active in those programs from a distance, I eventually realized how far off base I really was.

My first exposure to 12 Step recoveries was back in the summer of 1995. A therapist had recommended me at the time that I check out some AA meetings to help guide my newfound sobriety from alcohol and drugs. I initially followed her advice and went to a bunch of them in the Northern Virginia area where I was living back then. I didn’t attend them very long though because I allowed my mile-wide ego to tell me that AA was for a bunch of crybabies who couldn’t work through their problems on their own.

I spent the next 12 years trying to do just that…figure it out on my own. While I made a few friends here and there from those recovery rooms, I often kept my distance from them because I became so involved in various substitute addictions like gambling, and sex and love. As I continued to hit lower and lower bottoms from the progression of my disease, I noticed those friends were always smiling so much more consistently than I was. I saw how they weren’t ever experiencing those deep valleys that come from living in an addiction-filled life. And although I remained clean and sober from alcohol and drugs during all those years, I became more and more miserable while those friends seemed to become more and more happy.

Sadly, even though I had many moments where I thought that “maybe those AA’rs were right” from some of the things I did hear in the meetings I occasionally attended and saw in those friends, I still proceeded to wreak further havoc and destruction onto my life from my active disease.

I truly believe that a person’ will will stop living in their disease of addiction, whatever it is, when they experience a bottom that’s painful enough to make them stop doing it for good. In my case, that bottom came from losing both a seven-year relationship that I thought I was going to spend my life with and the entire $600,000 investment I made into a business that went belly up. Thankfully, when that happened, I became willing enough to finally get a sponsor and do those 12 Steps.

In the seven years that have passed since then, I have grown immensely and no longer act out in any addiction. I also am so much happier now than I ever used to be. My life isn’t being lived anymore through major highs and lows and honestly, I’m still amazed that I never relapsed on alcohol and drugs during all those substitute addiction years. But more importantly, I’m even more amazed at how much those words have become true for me of “maybe those AA’rs were right” because the fact is they really were…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’m far from perfect and I don’t ever claim that I am in any way, shape, or form. But I definitely do my best today to follow when Bill Wilson said in Alcoholics Anonymous that it’s all about progress, not perfection.

As I kid I constantly tried to achieve perfection in just about everything I did because I wanted to make my alcoholic parents happy. I truly believed that if I were perfect in their eyes, they would have loved me a lot more unconditionally. Unfortunately, even when I thought I reached that in various things I did, it still was never good enough for them. There was always something more they cited out that I could do to make it better. And so in turn, I tried harder, and harder, and even harder to reach that state of perfection that might gain their approval. It never happened and this search would go on to become one of the hardest character defects I had to face and work through in my recovery from addictions.

The simple fact is that I finally realized in recent years that I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to reach a level perfection that didn’t exist. Whether it’s been in a job, or any task I’ve taken on, or with my appearance, or in my day-to-day chores, or in any of my relationships, I’ve often drove myself crazy trying to make it all perfect. My recovery and my spiritual walk with God have helped me to see that life is about this perfection though. Instead, they’ve helped me to see that the beauty in life truly comes through all its imperfections and the progress we make in working through them. I believe that’s what Bill Wilson was referring to when he said that recovery was all about progress, not perfection.

Although I remain very diligent and focused in the recovery work from my addiction-prone life, I’m able to say now that I’ve made a tremendous amount of progress within it. I also find I am telling myself more and more lately that what I’m spiritually doing and the accomplishments I’m making are good enough. That’s a big change for someone who usually believed what he was doing wasn’t good enough and that he always needed to try harder.

As a kid I was consistently blinded from seeing all the progress I was making in life as I grew up. None of my awards and achievements meant anything because my focus was always on reaching that imaginary level of perfection. The same held true for most of my adult years as I struggled throughout them to give myself credit for any progress I made anywhere. Looking back, I can see now in both my younger years and my adult years that I’ve made an incredible amount of progress. In other words, I’ve giving myself credit now for the progress I’ve made throughout the years and in doing so, I know it’s helping me to move away from a life that only sought perfection.

Seeking perfection really did nothing more for me than make me miserable and cause me to beat myself up over and over again. While I still try my best to excel in everything I do today, I look for the progress I make as I do it, instead of trying to reach some imaginary state of perfection. Doing so has made me a much happier person and I have to thank Bill Wilson for that. For it is his wise words that once said that recovery was all about progress,  not perfection, and now I’m thankfully starting to see that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.” (p. 73, 4^th edition Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

I was living a double life up until only a few years ago. I was often such a fake, a charlatan, or a magician at best. The illusion I portrayed outwardly for everyone to see, especially in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, was usually quite elaborate. Although I was truly clean and sober from alcohol and drugs during all those days, I was still lying to my Higher Power, myself, and everyone else as well because of what I was doing when no one was watching me.

The true test of a person’s recovery from addiction really is best seen by how they live their life outside the meeting rooms, as that’s when no one is really watching them. I understood that so well that for years I did exactly what I was supposed to do in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so no one really knew how much of a sham I was.

I’d go to those AA meetings diligently.

I’d check in and do weekly work with my sponsor.

I joined a home group and got active.

I helped many newcomers through sponsorship.

And at the podium, I even learned how to present my story in such a way that it was very inspirational for others.

But deep down inside I didn’t deserve any of the accolades I got quite often from doing all of that. That’s only because the life I was living outside the recovery world was completely opposite of what I was portraying in it.

To put it bluntly, outside the recovery world, I was a backstabbing, character assassinating, gossiping, 13^th stepping, dry drunk who was active in plenty of other addictions.

While a good portion of my days might have been filled with positive 12 Step work, the rest of it was self-seeking to the max. I was addicted to porn, sex, had love obsessions that were really just lust, and was extremely codependent upon others. I told white lies regularly and was angry and resentful at the slightest thing. I’d also regularly ditch plans with one friend solely to be with another because of them having something more to offer me. While my recovery world persona showed strength and confidence, my non-recovery world showed insecurity, doubt, and fear on a consistent basis.

Eventually all my deception revealed itself though, and that happened when I landed in a mental hospital for a good number of days. I had thought of myself as such as great actor, but instead I had become completely washed up, no longer able to sustain the double life.

Through hard work, a closer relationship to my Higher Power, and turning my will ENTIRELY over, I began working on removing that double life. Eventually, the day arrived when I starting realizing the person I was in the recovery rooms was actually the same outside of them as well. I saw how the words I was speaking with such passion in the meetings and to sponsees, was the same ones I was practicing throughout my entire life.

I live my recovery program from addictions 24/7 now, whether someone is watching me or not. I also have a much better reputation today both in the recovery world and outside of it too, and I actually do feel like I deserve that today. But I give all that credit to my Higher Power, as I know if it weren’t for God, I’d still be doing my best to be that actor who was living a double life and dying inside. Thank God that’s not who I am today…and hopefully it’s not you either…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson