Category: Recovery From Addictions

There are many types of greed, especially that of wealth, power, or food. While I never really strived for more power in life, nor have I ever cared much to overindulge in food on a regular basis, I did struggle for years with my greed of money.

Up until my father died, I was probably quite similar to many people when it came to money. I worked for a living and scraped by just to pay my bills and had a little left over to spend on some things I enjoyed doing socially. But that all began to change when my father died back in October of 1996. It was then I discovered that he had left me a substantial amount of money from life insurance policies and savings accounts. And that was the precise moment I went from living a life of barely scraping by to one of complete greed.

The definition of greed is stated in the dictionary as an intense and selfish desire for something. In regards to the life I began after my father died, it became one that was filled with an intense and selfish desire for everything I could buy with money.

One of the first things I did buy in cash after my father passed was a brand new vehicle. It was back in 1997 after his estate was settled and my financial pockets were a lot fatter. I remember walking into an Acura dealership and buying a brand new Integra GS-R without really even trying to negotiate for a lower price. Within a few months of owning that vehicle, I became bored with the car and starting doing things to it such as gold plating parts of it and dipping its stock wheels in chrome. Nine months later, I was in a completely different Acura dealership having some standard service work performed on it. And while I was waiting for it to be finished, I saw a brand new vehicle sitting by itself, all bright and shiny white, in the middle of the showroom floor. When I close my eyes today, I can still picture myself back then asking the salesman what it was as I paced around it with my mouth drooling. When he told me it was a limited edition Integra called a Type R and that only a handful were being made, that was all it took for my greed to take over. Within an hour, I had traded in my almost brand new GS-R, losing $10k in the process, just to buy in cash that sole Type R sitting there in the showroom. Sadly, not more than a year or so later, I ended up buying yet another car and placed that Type R in storage where it soon was hardly driven.

I tell you this story because it was only the beginning for me, of many more years to come, where my greed of money took over and had me doing things such as this. I spent years buying this and that, accumulating stockpiles of “stuff” that within a short period of time after acquiring it, it was gathering dust, sold off, or thrown away. Today, just about all of that money and “stuff” is gone and I am having to live more more frugally to get by. Ironically though, I still have that Type R and I think there’s some part of me that holds onto it to remind myself of the days I was completely greedy with every bit of money that ever came my way.

It took me about 15 years after my father died to learn a very important lesson when it came to my greed of money. It’s pretty simple actually. The bottom line is that there was never any amount of money or things I could have ever purchased with it, that would have filled the emptiness I felt within, or satisfied those constant urgings I had to acquire more and more. The day I finally realized this was when I began to turn my entire will and life over to the care of God. It was then that my Higher Power began to fill me up with something a lot better than anything my greed of money could ever buy, and that’s love and light.

If you have the greed of money in any way, shape, or form, don’t let it consume your life like I did. Understand that no amount of money or “things” that money can buy will ever bring you long lasting peace, happiness, and joy. But there is one things that will and that’s a life filled with a Higher Power’s love and light. May you find that to be true as I have.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

As you probably know by now, because I have mentioned this quite a bit already in my writing, I’m not the biggest fan of using slogans and cliches to guide my life. But for whatever the reason, my life experiences seem to be imitating them lately, and today was a good example of one in particular…

“Fake It Till You Make It!”

The initial time I heard this phrase was during my first few months of sobriety when I started checking out a few AA meetings. While I didn’t stick around and instead avoided all of 12 Step recovery like the plague for about 12 years, this slogan somehow got stuck in my head. Maybe that’s due to those rare cases when I went to AA meetings back then and would hold them hostage with my many complaints in life. Usually someone always responded afterwards to me and said I needed to fake it till I made it. Honestly, I began to despise hearing that solely for the fact that at the time, I enjoyed living in drama and being negative about my life. So following the phrase’s meaning was doing exactly the opposite of how I wanted to be living at the time. Thankfully, that’s not the case anymore.

While I have my own understanding of what this phrase means, I was curious as to what the Internet said about it so I did a Google search before writing this article. As based upon what Wikipedia says, “‘Fake it till you make it’ is a common catchphrase that means to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence.”

Ironically, I also learned in this research that this token phrase did not originate in 12 Step recovery meetings as I once thought. Its actual origin is from a book titled “Con Man or Saint” that was published in 1969.  The book chronicled the life of Glen W. Turner who was a ninth-grade dropout and a poor tenant farmer that borrowed $5,000 for the sole purpose of opening his own business, which eventually went on to become a $100,000,000 endeavor for him. Throughout this book, it’s mentioned he used motivational phrases to become rich and one of those just happened to be “Fake It Til You Make It”.

Even more interesting is the fact that a few years later, Amway Corporation actually took this phrase and published a book with that as its title where it was utilized as a motivational tool for all of its sellers to aid in their personal sales growth. It appears that somewhere along the lines, it made its way into Alcoholics Anonymous. So thanks to some Amway distributor from years ago who probably was an alcoholic and shared the phrase at a meeting one day, it’s now become one of the most widely used slogans in all of 12 Step recovery. I have to believe that this probably is how most of the 12 Step recovery slogans originate, from one inspirational person sharing at a meeting.

Anyway, while I found all of this rather interesting during my research, I think the phrase can be summed up in a much easier way. It’s as simple as “acting as if”. In other words, if there is something in life that one is striving for, “act as if” it’s going to manifest into being and it will happen. As I mentioned earlier, that’s exactly what I did today when I awoke this morning and my physical pain levels were quite extreme. While my brian wanted to pout and complain and not leave the comfort of my bed, I forced myself out of it and began to go through my day doing the absolute best I could with every single activity that was planned. And not once during any of that time did I go into self-pity. Instead, I stayed positive throughout the day and did my best to keep my focus not only on all the things I was doing, but also on my belief that I will get better.

I reckon I have to face the truth now that one of my least favorite slogans seems to have become one I’m actually following quite a bit these days, like today. While you probably won’t ever catch me using this actual phrase during any of the times I share in a recovery meeting, the fact remains true that it’s definition is something which continues to help me keep going day after day with the health issues I’m still facing.

So for all those people who told me over the years “Fake It Till You Make It”, I guess my answer to them now would be “I AM!” Go figure.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

For someone who is suffering from any type of addiction, a common illusion is that putting the addiction down is going to be the hardest part to finding recovery from it. The truth that most find out soon enough is that the hardest part is actually the work they need to do after quitting the addiction. And the reality that every person will face at some point in their recovery after realizing this is that they’ll get as much out of recovery as what they put into it.

I find that most newbies to 12 Step recovery programs initially come in broken and are willing to do just about anything to feel better. The problems for them begin to mount though when they start feeling better. That’s when the idea of going to meetings everyday, calling their sponsor regularly, doing the written step work, and doing any type of service work starts to fall to their wayside. And here’s the simple truth as to why that happens…

There are no quick fixes!

When active in an addiction, there is a quick fix, a quick high, and a quick result to feeling better, even if it’s just for a moment. In recovery though, there is not. Instead, there are a lot of planting of seeds through the recovery work to get to the state of feeling better more than not. Sadly, many people relapse as soon as they start figuring this out.

Since working my recovery diligently these past few years, I have seen what it takes to achieve the positive results that 12 Step recovery can bring a person that has suffered from any addiction. I have also seen many of the things that can lead a person back to relapse as well. They vary from person to person but here’s some examples from my own recovery that can help shed some light into the simple truth that one will only get out of recovery what they put into it.

1. In my first 12 years of sobriety, I had no recovery. I had no sponsor. I rarely attended any 12 Step meetings. I helped no one out but myself. I got involved in plenty of other substitute addictions. And my life was completely filled with drama and misery for most of it.

2. In years 12-13, I started to try a 12 Step recovery path. I called my sponsor every single day. I attended AA meetings almost every day. I volunteered at the AA hotline once a week. I spoke at least once a week at a detox or some other place of recovery for those still suffering. I did all the written work as my sponsor laid out for me. I started sponsoring others. But I kept a few substitute addictions alive by acting out in them regularly. While much of my drama and misery dissipated and was replaced with more feelings of happiness, I still had many moments of quick highs and terrible lows.

3. In years 13-16, I decided to take a break from much of that 12 Step recovery path. I started jumping from sponsor to sponsor and didn’t check in with any of them regularly. I attended meetings once or twice a week and played on my phone or talked with friends during the ones I did go to. I stopped volunteering at the AA hotline. I often avoided speaking at those detoxes and other places where people were still suffering. I got involved even deeper into those other substitute addictions. I began hanging out with those who were active in their own alcohol or drug addictions too. And not only did all of that lead me to the brink of relapse, I also tried to commit suicide.

4. In years 16-18+, I went back to the basics. I got a sponsor and started checking in with them regularly again. I went through the step work completely again too. I started doing more service work and began speaking several times a week at those detoxes and other places of recovery. I began attending at least four to five meetings a week and put my phone away during each of them. I cut out of my life all those people who were still active in their addictions and ended all my substitute addictions. Most recently, I started writing in this blog as part of the 12th Step so as to practice my spiritual awakening in all of my affairs. And because of all of this work, I don’t have any crazy highs or lows anymore, I am lot more clear in my thinking day to day, and I smile a lot more genuinely than I ever used to.

The bottom line here is quite simple with what I’m trying to say in these four stages of my sobriety…

You get out of recovery what you put into it. 

If you put forward nothing into your recovery, like I did for the first 12 years, I’m sad to say, but you’ll probably just relapse or stay profoundly miserable for most of it.

If you put forward an 80 percent effort into your recovery, like I did in years 12-13, you’ll still have 20% of your life bringing you that pain and suffering just like you had when you were active in your addiction.

If you put forward a 20-40% effort, like I did in years 14-16, you’ll still have 60-80% of the time bringing you that pain and suffering just like you had when you were active in your addiction.

But if you put forward a 100% effort, like I have been doing in years 16-18+, chances are you’re going to eliminate all of the pain and suffering that came from your addiction. While I can’t promise you that life itself will become pain free in this stage, I can say that it will become 100% more manageable, no matter what life sends your way. So start putting forward 100% effort into your recovery, and never stop. In doing so, you stand the best chance in life to finding the peace and serenity that the 12 Steps and, of course, God, can bring you. And know that any less of an effort will only start taking you away from all of that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson