Category: Recovery From Addictions

Have you ever asked someone to commit to doing a task for you in your absence and even after agreeing to do it, they never followed through with that agreement? Recently, I was faced with this specific situation in my Alcoholics Anonymous home group.

At that group, I am the General Service Representative (GSR). It’s my job in that position to go once a month to a district meeting where I’ll hear what’s going on in the AA world for the general area and report that information back to the group. Since taking on that position, I have been spending more and more time away from the area and slowly migrating myself to an eventual move in with my partner several states away. Given my travel schedule, I knew in advance I would be unable to attend any of this summer months GSR meetings beginning in June. One of the things I’ve learned in recovery over the past year is to make sure I continue to maintain any responsibilities that I’ve taken on, even when I know I’m not able to be present at them. In the past, when I lived more in self-centeredness and wasn’t practicing good recovery, I wouldn’t have cared about missing the meeting and would have allowed my brain to come up with some excuse as to why it didn’t matter if I was there or not. This isn’t so true anymore. Because of the dedication to my recovery now, I looked for an alternative person that could attend these meetings in my absence and found someone in my group that was willing to do so. After prepping them for the temporary job and giving them my GSR notebook, I headed out of town for my partner’s home. When a few days before the first of those meetings arrived, I sent a few messages over to this person’s phone to confirm they were still planning on attending the meeting in my absence. A day passed with no response so I tried calling them instead. When I was immediately forwarded into their voicemail, I knew then that they weren’t going to be attending for me. How did I know this? Because the behaviors this person was exhibiting were exactly the ones I would have done back when I didn’t care about keeping to my commitments.

When the next day arrived after the meeting night had passed, I called this person again, but this time from a blocked number. Unfortunately, I’ve learned in my life that’s the only way sometimes I can get people to answer when they are trying to avoid dealing with something such as this. My call was promptly answered and I could hear the surprise in this person voice when I identified myself. The long and short of it was that they did not go to the meeting and instead chose to go to a Boston Bruins hockey playoff game they got tickets for at the last minute. It took a lot of practicing patience, love, and tolerance for this person during and after that phone call. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed and slightly angry. But through prayer, I came to the realization that this person’s recovery was no different than mine once was when I would have done exactly the same thing that he did.

While I can see how going to a Stanley Cup game was probably much more alluring then going to a 90 minute meeting that may often be boring, there was a step they could have taken to handle this better. Although I normally wouldn’t cancel one obligation to go to another these days, there are extenuating circumstances that have led me to still doing it. When it has happened, I always contact the person I’m committed to helping out and am truthful to them as to why I have to cancel my obligation with them. More than not, I’ll even ask if they would like me to help find another person to keep the obligation so I don’t feel like I’m leaving them in the lurch. While this may still bring undue stress to the person I was supposed to help out, I at least gave them my honesty and time to find an alternative. Isn’t that what recovery is supposed to be all about?

I’ve decided I really can’t be angry with this person because of having done those very same behaviors to others all too often in my life. I also had to realize that it takes time to learn valuable lessons such as this in recovery and that this person is rather new to it all. I’m grateful to God for seeing and understanding this. God has truly shown me that in almost every situation when I find myself getting irritated or angry at someone else now, I have done those very same behaviors myself. That realization alone usually does the trick to remove any anger I might be feeling, and often it’s replaced with God’s love and light instead.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

 

On Page 58 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a sentence that is as follows:

“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps…”

It took me five years of drinking and drugging and then twelve more years beyond that of white knuckling this disease with other addictions before I decided I wanted what everyone else had in the recovery rooms. Unfortunately, I wasn’t willing to go to any length to get what they had, so a portion of me continued to have my self-will run riot even as I tried to do the steps. The result was that I didn’t get very far in them nor did I seem to get any better. More often than not, I grew even sicker. Five years later, I became willing to climb Mount Everest if that’s what I needed to do, just to get what everyone else was raving about at every single meeting I attended.

Being willing to go to any length is absolutely, positively, 100% necessary in a person’s recovery, if they wish to get the full benefits from it. What’s funny is that most people who were active in any type of addiction usually were at some point willing to go to whatever length they needed to, just to get their fix, whatever that fix was. In my case, for way too long, I was willing to do what I needed to get drunk, or high, or laid, or gamble, or whatever it was I was always falling prey to. When I found the meeting rooms for different forms of recovery from any of those addictions, I initially balked at the statement of being fully willing to go to any lengths. I wanted my recovery to be handed to me on a silver platter and didn’t really want to stop doing the seeking of those quick fixes and quick highs that I was still doing throughout my life. It took me getting a lot more broken before I became FULLY willing to do whatever it would take to find true recovery from ALL of my addictions.

And when I became FULLY willing, it meant taking drastic measures in my life. I eliminated toxic friendships. I was completely thorough in my written step work. I began attending meetings on most days and developed a much better relationship with my sponsor. I volunteered both in the recovery rooms and outside of them as well. And I started spending more time in meditation and prayer to help me develop a stronger relationship with God. All of this has helped me to make much better decisions than the ones I used to make. It’s even helped me to find energy to do my recovery work during those times when I’m completely exhausted like I was today.

In a nutshell that exhaustion came from being on the highway today for over 13 hours as I drove back from my partner’s home. Most other people after a drive like that, would probably have gone home, eaten a little something, and headed to bed. The old me, the one that acted out in too many addictions, would have probably gone home and eaten some totally unhealthy fast food, looked at some internet porn, and avoided prayer as I went to bed. The new me arrived back in the town I’m living in and met with my sponsee to go through the next chapter we had left off last in our step work together. Upon completion of that, I went home and proceeded to clean up some areas of the house which had been slightly torn apart by my roommate in my absence. My evening is now ending with me making sure I continue to write at least one blog entry per day which is a goal I set for myself when I began this writing endeavor earlier in the year. And finally, I will end my day by writing in my grateful God journal and meditating for 30 minutes before falling asleep.

Some might say that this is going to just too many lengths. Well I can safely say in my case, it’s not because the last thing I desire right now is to act out in any addiction or do anything unhealthy. When I used to not go to these types of lengths, I couldn’t say as much. The bottom line is that I don’t ever want to go back to that addiction based life. If it means me dedicating myself even after an exhausting drive, then so be it. I actually feel pretty spiritually good inside because of all the work I did and thankfully, I’m much better than I was yesterday when I was felt nothing more than doom and gloom. I look forward now to resting my head on my pillow tonight knowing my relationship with God and my recovery is still intact and maybe even a little stronger too. Doesn’t that make it seem like going to any lengths is probably a good thing to do? I’d say so.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I once thought that serenity was unobtainable for me. That was because its inherent definition was the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled, and for the longest time, I had none of the above. Angry, unsettled, and very much troubled would have been far better descriptors of how I usually lived my life. This past year all of that has changed and I’ve come to the conclusion that my amount of serenity is in direction proportion with how much of my will is turned over to the care of God.

Up until I quit drinking and drugs, I can safely say I probably had a zero percentage of serenity in my life. During those years I lived in constant fear around my sexuality, I had many ups and downs from the amount of substances I put within me, and the only moments of peace I felt were when I’d manage to go several days clean and sober.

It wasn’t until I put down all the alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes for good that I experienced my first truest taste of serenity and that day came on June 11th, 1995. In that first day of complete sobriety, I actually began my journey of turning over my will to God. Unfortunately, it wasn’t my entire will. Over the years after that date, I always kept a percentage of my self-will in an active state by acting out in other addictions. In doing this, the same pattern held true with experiencing little serenity. As I engaged in other addictions like gambling or sex and love based ones, I’d go back to feeling those crazy highs and lows and would feel everything but the state of being at peace. In contrast, the moments that I invested more into my spiritual path instead of living in self-will with those substitute addictions, I’d feel a much greater sense of peace within.

Self-will and free will are essentially the same thing and as a human being I am given the ability to live in it all the time. When I’m doing anything addiction based, I’m doing just that and using it to its absolute max. In those moments, I couldn’t care less about anyone or anything else and any ability to feel serene becomes next to impossible. When I move away from all those addictions and invest myself more in selfless behaviors, spirituality, and loving everyone equally and without judgment, my serenity seems to become much greater.

I have eighteen years now of being completely free of all alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes and over a year now from the rest of any other addictions I have suffered from. It’s become so much clearer to me today that serenity can be felt in any given moment. I once thought the clearest picture of serenity was that of a Buddhist monk who meditates for most of the day. While that’s one level of becoming serene, there are other levels as well. As I work out of my life all those troubled areas that my free will got me into, I am able to experience serenity in things that I wasn’t able to before.

The idea of driving around in almost standstill traffic and being able to remain calm was unthinkable for me not too long ago. Now I’m able to and can even smile when people are honking their horns or flashing their lights at me because they feel I’m going too slow for them. The thought of sitting through an AA meeting filled me with dread for a large part of the first seventeen years of my sobriety. Now I look forward to going to them and am able to sit still and listen to the speaker much easier. And the concept of spending any time alone at all brought out great fear within me for most of my life. Now I enjoy being by myself more than not and find I am making even greater strides in my ability to experience serenity when I do so.

This ability to feel serenity continues to evolve as I grow closer in my relationship to God. The more I’ve turned over those parts of my will when I’ve gotten caught up in being angry and unsettled, the greater I have found serenity all around me. Ironically it always was there, I just wasn’t able to see or feel it because of how caught up I was in my own self will. On the days I choose to live in that self will, I often miss experiencing how serene a thunderstorm is, or a squirrel eating a nut close by is, or a cat purring on the floor next to me is, or the beauty of a garden nearby is, or watching my nephews giggle is, and so much more. But on the days when I choose to live entirely in God’s will, I can find that serenity can be found in even a drop of dew on a blade of grass.

The truest test of my serenity though has been when I’m able to remain calm and peaceful even in the midst of when one of life’s storms happen such as someone yelling at me, or when I’m running late to something, or if things aren’t going the way my ego wishes for it to go. I’ve seen progress in all of these areas but I still have many more avenues I need to work through. I know now that when I feel angry or unsettled, that it’s just a sign to show me there is more work for me to do in letting something go before I can experience serenity in it.

The bottom line is that the easiest path to a life filled with serenity is one where I’ve become willing to let go of my self will. It’s one where I’ve turned over my will to the care of God instead. And it’s one where my life experiences a lot less ups and downs and a lot more of that state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson