Category: Recovery From Addictions

In just over a week, God willing, I’ll be attending the 30th Alumni Reunion for my fraternity, Phi Kappa Psi (NY Theta Chapter) at Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT), an organization I joined in a colony status in 1991, prior to becoming nationally chartered in 1992. Originally, I wasn’t intending on going to this reunion due to financial concerns, but after receiving what I believe to be Divine help to make it possible now to go, I was left with another concern and that’s as to whether I’ll still feel a part of our brotherhood anymore.

In my collegiate years, I spent most of my time drunk and/or high. I invested very little in being there for my brothers and was more concerned with pleasing myself than helping anyone else. During the 1991-1992 timeframe, when all my brothers were doing their part to help get our colony chartered nationally, I constantly made excuses as to why I couldn’t take on any greater responsibilities to help make that happen. Other than being Rush Chairman during that period, where my goal was solely to set up fun events to bring in new candidates each semester, I invested most of my time looking out for my own interests, even with that position.

Although I became a founding father (Badge #35) when our chapter was finally inducted into Phi Kappa Psi nationally, I never truly felt I deserved the honor. I’d spend the rest of my college years after we were founded hiding from that feeling by drinking and drugging my way through graduation. Once I was done and had my degree, I moved as far away as I could with what job offers I received, landing in Fairfax, Virginia, where at the time I knew no one and that was by design.

I was not only ashamed of the life I had lived in college, but also was struggling greatly identifying what my sexuality was and assumed my brothers would only judge me if they knew. When I became sober from alcohol and drugs to figure that out, I kept my distance from my fraternity, including even my little brothers, Troy, Matt, Rob, and Jon, all of which I regret so greatly now being that I have no relationship with any of them. When I eventually came to terms with my sexuality, I finally told my fraternity the truth and while I received some support, there were a number of brothers who wished they had never let me into the chapter. I didn’t blame them though for feeling that way because ultimately, I never showed any of them why I should have been a brother in the first place. After all, I was far more selfish than selfless with the fraternity during all of my college years, often causing more chaos and drama with our brotherhood than anything else.

I let many years pass because of this, skipping each of the alumni reunions, living with shame and regret, and figuring none of them would miss me. I’d silently watch through social media one brother after another get married and start a new family and be saddened each time I didn’t receive an invitation. But why would I have gotten one when my best friends were one addiction after another for so long instead of any of them?

When I finally decided to attend my first alumni reunion, it was our 20th. I’m not sure why I went though, because I wasn’t in the right mindset, as I was still dealing with ending a love addicted and codependent toxic relationship at the time, all while trying to begin a healthy one with my present partner Chris. Frankly, I was still an addicted mess on some level and probably why I felt invisible throughout most of that weekend, consumed more with self than in trying to actually connect with my brothers again. For those I had hurt prior, I’m sure I didn’t show I had changed much at all in the way I was acting. So, when that reunion ended, I left feeling even worse and even more disconnected than ever from the brotherhood. I would then let another ten years pass with little to no communication with any of my brothers at all.

I felt great sorrow over this, enough that I started connecting locally with the University of Toledo’s Phi Kappa Psi (Ohio Eta) chapter a few years ago. I began doing alcohol and drug education with their chapter each semester and recently took on an Alumni Risk Management position. Seeing their camaraderie though each time I’m with them brings up much sorrow, sorrow for the lack of connection I have with my own brotherhood.

I’ve made so many mistakes now out of addiction and selfishness that even though I’ve long left all that toxicity behind, I wonder if the damage is irreparable, as least in forging closer bonds to my brothers. I’m sure the few articles I wrote for our national publication (The Shield) didn’t help either, as I talked quite openly about how my addiction blossomed in my undergraduate Phi Kappa Psi days.

Regardless, there’s a great pit of despair within me now that says I don’t deserve the forgiveness of those brothers I hurt and that I’ll probably always be on the outside looking in with my fraternity. Yet, I’m heading to this alumni reunion with hope, hope that God is leading me there to rectify all this. In light of that, I want to end with this.

Brothers of Phi Kappa Psi NY Theta, I’m deeply sorry for all the damage my addictions of my past caused and all the selfish actions I exuded that affected both our chapter and my relationship with all of you. I pray for your forgiveness from all my past inequities that affected my connection with my brothers for so long and truly hope to forge new brotherly relationships with each of you during our upcoming 30th Alumni Reunion.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

There was something I was going through this past month that I haven’t been writing or talking about with the masses because it wasn’t my story to tell. My partner Chris was offered a position in Florida that would have truly been an amazing step up from the one he currently holds in his present field of expertise. The job offer came just prior to our 10^th anniversary vacation to Cozumel, one I was so excited for, prompting us to cancel our trip so we could reroute to Tampa to check out the area and the potential position. After the trip ended, Chris had fully accepted the new job, immediately thrusting our lives forward on a new trajectory, one that would have had me living for a good while here in Toledo alone, while Chris worked the new job in Florida, as financially we realized it wasn’t going to be possible to have us both starting out this new life there together. While that path recently dried up with Chris choosing to remain in Toledo for a number of reasons, I learned a lot about myself over these past four weeks.

The biggest thing I learned through all of this is that I still have significant codependency issues. Honestly, I cried a lot over these past four weeks with the notion of having to remain here in Chris’s home in Toledo by myself for an indefinite period of time. I never wanted to move to Toledo in the first place, as I’m an East-Coaster tried and true. I only came here because I wanted to develop a relationship with a person I fell in love with and was willing to give up what life I had in Boston to explore that. I’ve had that now for over eight years, so the thought of remaining here where I had very little friends and connection overall and have received more rejection than acceptance led to a great amount of daily sadness within. In addition, living with the amount of physical, mental, and emotional pain I go through on most days, I’ve had to lean quite a bit on Chris at times just to make it through those hard days. I’m not proud of that fact, because for the longest of time, I was extremely independent and lived quite comfortably without the need of anyone’s help. Thus, the idea of having a life in Toledo alone and Chris a life elsewhere, where we agreed we’d only be able to see each other for about a week a month was ultimately very depressing for me.

The other thing I learned during this period of unknowingness is how much my former addictive life is still affecting me today. Life in Tampa, and in Florida in general, is far more expensive than life here in Toledo. With rents being upwards of $2200 a month for a decent place and good homes starting at $300,000 or greater, years ago, I wouldn’t have blinked at either number. I probably would have even purchased a house outright for Chris and I to begin our new lives together. But those times are long gone. I’m that prodigal son who squandered his parent’s fortune for things that didn’t really matter. I learned a very hard lesson after blowing through the majority of the money my parent’s left me. With each house Chris and I looked at with a real estate agent during our trip in Florida, I realized how much my addiction took away from me. I also realized how dependent on Chris I am financially. I began to resent myself and the life I once lived before Chris. Not having anything really to bring to the table to help make the move possible truly upset me.

In the end, the decision Chris made to not pursue the new position and ultimately turn it down, remaining at home is one that wasn’t taken lightly. It involved many conversations between us and one that I was told not to blame myself for. There were many circumstances that we both felt God was telling us this wasn’t a viable path, things that I didn’t need to get into for the real point of this story.

The real point of this story is one of addiction. Active addiction in regards to my awareness of the financial and health-related codependency I have presently with Chris, and former addiction in regards to my awareness of how much my old addictive lifestyle continues to affect me today. While I’m sad that addiction continues to play through much of my story in life, I’m thankful to God nonetheless for all the awareness, for my ongoing work in 12 Step recovery to change all this, and for a partner who continues to stick by my side, “warts and all.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

In the past two weeks, I was contacted by two separate individuals who both identify themselves as alcoholics, each having struggled massively with their addiction for a very long time and each being people I’ve attempted to bring through the 12 Step program. In both cases, they contacted me during a relapse, where they were severely drunk and reaching out in pain. If there’s one thing I’ve absolutely learned in my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction, it’s that you can’t ever talk successfully about recovery with anyone while they are actively drinking or drugging.

Anytime I’ve ever tried to seriously communicate with someone about 12 Step recovery while they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs has always been met with either “woe is me’s”, profuse anger, or “I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Trying to talk anyone down off a drunken or high ledge is impossible, believe me I’ve tried repeatedly over the years only to become toxically drained in the process. There really is only one way a person can ever successfully communicate recovery from an addiction to another individual and it’s when they are sober.

That being said, when the first individual reached out during their relapse, I was with some friends in the middle of playing cards. They texted me repeatedly about how messed up they were and wanted to know what to do. I told them to reach out to me the next day and we could talk through it then, but they pleaded for an immediate answer of what to do. I told them if they wanted to get sober, the only thing they could do was check themselves into a detox or some place that could handle their relapse. Their response was one word, “Thanks.” I could tell they were mad, but I knew there was nothing more I could do at that point. I never did hear back from them after that and even tried to reach out several days later to make sure they were ok. I could tell on Facebook though they were by their postings, yet why they didn’t call me back was one simple reason. The only reason they reached out to me during their relapse was that they were looking for someone to rescue them from their addiction. I will NOT do that anymore because I’ve learned it only causes both them and me greater harm than good.

Having learned this invaluable lesson through prior failures really helped when that second individual reached out to me. They were holed up in a hotel drinking profusely alone. As I listened to them cry, I felt compassion for them, yet I also saw how insidious their disease was. They had thought the night prior that going to a pool hall where alcohol was served with someone they were attracted to, someone who was also newly sober, was a good thing to do. Of course, it wasn’t, because as soon as the other individual went into relapse mode, so did they, hoping to impress. The dominoes quickly fell after that, leading me to receive their very sorrow-filled call the next day with them still in full-blown relapse. My only words were that I cared about them, that I loved them, that I would help them once they got sober, and to call me once they did.

Many might think I didn’t do enough with either of these cases of individuals in full-blown relapse, but here’s the harsh reality. Parents and friends often try to rescue and save their loved ones during their relapses, only to be sucked into a vortex of lies, manipulation, despair, and hopelessness. The fact is…I’ve never been successful talking to anyone who had relapsed and was presently drunk or high. The only solution I’ve ever found to be successful in such cases was to lead them back to Step 1, something they have to do for themselves.

Until a person stops drinking and drugging and remembers that they are powerless over their addiction and their life is unmanageable, they won’t want any help you try to offer. Attempting to do so anyway is only going to lead to a futile effort, one that could very well drag you down along with them…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson