Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so overcooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm.” “That’s a very complicated order, Sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult to prepare.” The guest replied, “Oh? But that’s what I got yesterday!!”

Silly Joke #2

A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies. To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career?” The father then sighed and said, “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink. The shrink says, “When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her.” In two weeks he was back in the shrink’s office. The shrink asked “How did it go?” He said, “She didn’t have anything to say, but her bridge club sure got a kick out of it!”

Bonus Silly Joke

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe even years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1+45 minutes: I had to go to the supermarket because I had a craving for some M&M’s.

Day 4: Got an email from my gym trainer with a more thorough plan for dealing with the Coronavirus that’s better than any our President keeps laying out!

Day 7: There’s no sports on the TV anymore to watch, but I found this nice young lady sitting on my couch in front of it. Apparently she’s my wife.

Day 10: Losing my mind now without having any sports to watch so I started pretending to do the sport of curling with our Roomba and our broom.

Day 13: My wife is coughing now. I think we’ll be alright though because we have over 300 rolls of toilet paper.

Day 15: Could it actually be possible that I’m living in an episode of Netflix’s Black Mirror?

Day 16: The Jehovah’s freaking Witnesses still came to my door today, can you believe it?! I feel guilty though because I purposely had my wife open the door during one of her coughing spells.

Day 19: Thankfully my wife’s ok. She’s no longer coughing anymore. But I am now. Damn those Jehovah’s Witnesses! Somehow they cursed me!

Day 23: I feleeng soooo mach betta. I thik I dscvreerd the cur. Jast swalooww a fewww pammps of Puracell seeeems to haaave dun the trik!

Day 25: The quarantine is finally over! What am I going to do with all this damn toilet paper? Shit!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to Z. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”

Silly Joke #2

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Silly Joke #3

“Dr. Oz said to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we could all use more calm in our lives during these uncharted and turbulent COVID-19 times. So, we looked around our house to find things we’d started and hadn’t finished. First, we finished  a bottle of Merlot, then a boddle of Chardonnay, then a butle of Baileys, then a buddle of wum,  then the mainder of Valiuminum scriptshins and finly a bux of chalkcletz. Oz wuz soooo riiight! Yu haf no idr how fablus I fiel rite now.  Tlll thss to all who kneed inner pisssssssss………….an tellum iluvem too……………………”

Bonus Silly Jokes (3 super short ones!)

The teacher asked Joanie, “If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter and another quarter and then another quarter, how much would you have left?” Joanie then replied, “A million dollars minus 75 cents.” 

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!

“How the diet going?” asked the doctor to his patient. “Not good doc, I had eggs for breakfast!” said the patient. “Is that because they were fried?” asked the doctor inquisitively. “No, it’s because they were chocolate.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”

Silly Joke #2

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday. The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.” No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.” No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday. So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her. She asked, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Johnny said, “Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday!”

Silly Joke #3

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “It’s all set. They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast. Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson