Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I’m Lois and I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation gasped again and held their breath. “Lois, the word was sternum NOT scrotum!”

Silly Joke #2

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, “That’s a sheep!””That’s right!” said the teacher. “How about THIS one?” she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts. “That’s a lion!” answered a little boy. “Right!” said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. “What does your mother call your father?” Johnny said, “I know! I know! It’s a lazy old goat!”

Silly Joke #3

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, “They’re on the wrong feet.”Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off. The boy then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. “Now,” she said, “Where are your mittens?” The boy replied, “I stuffed them in my boots….”

Bonus Silly Joke

A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his study and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he’s invisible.”The psychiatrist responded, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying?” the father asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Silly Joke #2

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.To her credit, Louise finally said, ‘Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.’ ‘Fine.’ I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m wrong.’ I grinned and replied, ‘You’re right.’

Silly Joke #3

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church. “The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and he might get a different answer. The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him. “Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!” Pointing to the sky, he continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.” The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!” The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.” The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?” The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Silly Joke #2

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are all these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.”I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it!” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m sure glad I quit drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now!”

Silly Joke #3

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in a skimpy outfit and a pair of Nike running shoes with a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing an even skimpier outfit, Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you can have me’. Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So, for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound program. ‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone… ‘This is our most rigorous program.’ ‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’ The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing the tightest, smaller shorts he had ever seen, brightly colored running shoes, and a sign around his neck that reads, ‘If I catch you, you’re all mine.’ Wouldn’t you know he lost 63 pounds that week!

Bonus Silly Joke

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand. The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing. So the bartender asks the guy, “Hey man, I hope you don’t mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?” So the man says, “I have to get my date drunk…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson