Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Silly Joke #2

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The wife was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to herself, “Now how can I tell my husband that I’ve got chronic smelly feet and that my socks always absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from him while we were dating, but he’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell him?”

Meanwhile, the husband was sitting in the bed saying to himself, “Now how do I tell my wife that I’ve got issues with chronic bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from her while we were courting, but as soon as she’s lived with me for a week, she’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell her gently?”

The wife is the first to find enough courage to admit the truth, so she walks into the bedroom. She then walks over to the bed, climbs over to her husband, puts her arm around his neck, moves her face very close to his and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”

And he says, “So have I, hon.”

To which she replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks!”

Silly Joke #3

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works.

“We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short
and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here
are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are
tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to ever please a
woman.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Silly Joke #2

A guy was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.  The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

Silly Joke #3

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and
continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters’ box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, “Run, Run!”

The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered “Run, Run!”

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

When the next batter came up and four balls went by, the umpire called “Walk!” and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye bastard, Run!”

The people around him began laughing.

Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man’s embarrassment, leaned over and explained, “He can’t run, he’s got four balls…”

The Irishman then stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, lad, WALK WITH PRIDE!”

Silly Joke #2

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this.” The frog then produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She then holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says…”It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Silly Joke #3

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I’m listening.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson